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What with all the shootin’ and the stabbin’ and the bow-and-arrowin’ and the killin’ in “The Magnificent Seven,” perhaps the most remarkable thing about the film:

It’s rated PG-13 for “extended and intense sequences of Western violence, and for historical smoking, some language and suggestive material.”

Ah, Western violence and historical smoking. Got it. Does your film get a different rating if it contains modern violence and present-day smoking?

Over all, this is a rousing, albeit sometimes cheesy, action-packed Western bolstered by Denzel Washington’s baddest-of-the-badasses lead performance, mostly fine supporting work, and yep, some of the most impressively choreographed extended shootout sequences in recent memory.

Saddle up and shoot ‘em up. That’s your movie right there.

“The Magnificent Seven” is set in the mining town of Rose Creek in 1879. The normally reliable Peter Sarsgaard wildly overplays his role as the perpetually sweating, squinting, sociopathic robber baron Bartholomew Bogue. This guy’s so evil he waits until half the town is meeting in the church, just so he and his henchmen can saunter in and he can offer $20, take it or leave it, for every parcel of land, slap around the preacher and gun down a few innocent folks.

Hiss! Boo!

Washington plays it cool and calm as Sam Chisolm, who dresses in black from his hat to his boots, is faster on the draw than anyone in the West, and makes it a point to announce to anyone who will listen he’s not a bounty hunter — he’s an appointed officer of the court in multiple states, tasked with bringing in murderers and thieves, for a price, of course.

When Haley Bennett’s obligatory Plucky Grieving Widow throws a sack of money at Chisolm and asks him to save the town of Rose Creek, Chisolm could just take the money and run, but he’s a man with a sense of justice, so he recruits a half-dozen rogues, including:

Chris Pratt’s wisecracking, hard-drinking Irish gunman Josh Faraday; Ethan Hawke’s ridiculously named sharpshooter Goodnight Robicheaux and his loyal sidekick, the almost as ridiculously named Billy Rocks (South Korean star Byung-hun Lee); Manuel Garcia-Rulfo’s devil-may-care Vasquez; Martin Sensmeier’s Native American warrior Red Harvest; and Vincent D’Onofrio’s overgrown mountain man Jack Horne.

There’s a lot of good old-fashioned stunt work and practical effects on display here, most of it seriously impressive. (On occasion, it’s almost comically obvious we’re watching stunt performers and not Washington et al. performing amazing horseback riding feats.)

Also, stick around for the closing credits. Man did I love the closing credits.

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  • What a crappy movie! If you want to see a really good movie watch the ORIGINAL MAGNIFICENT SEVEN. It is a classic and a Movie Masterpiece. Nothing beats Yul Brenner, Steve McQueen, James Coburn, Charles Bronson, Robert Vaughn and more.

    This piece of crap remake is a big let down, which is why no one is going to see it.
    My advice see the original, save your money and go see Girl on the Train when that comes out with your gf or wife, that way you are sure to get some.

    Two Thumbs Down