Find Me a Plastic Bag!

By Signal Contributor

Last update: Friday, November 25th, 2016

Well the election is over. The votes have been counted. You voted to outlaw plastic bags. Now I have an anxiety attack every time I have to walk the dog. We have a new puppy. She is a Boston terrier and she is regular. She is a regular little fudge factory. Our neighbor is the Gladys Kravitz of the neighborhood. She guards every lawn as if they are all hers. The other morning I did not have a plastic bag and sure enough there she was staring me down. She was mad dogging me. Just out of spite I reached down and barehanded a pile, looked her square in the eyes and exclaimed “We are green.” “High five?” It’s getting to the point where I’m having people from out of state mail me their plastic bags in plain manilla envelopes. I’m like a drug dealer without the drugs, just the plastic bags.

I wonder about dogs. We train them by putting them in crates. We play with them then abruptly stop, leaving them to wonder why. We decide when they get to eat and when they get to go to the bathroom. If we don’t let them go to the bathroom in time and they have an accident we are upset with them. We dress them in silly embarrassing outfits and hats against their will. Do they really love us or is it just Stockholm syndrome?

I’m thankful we have her though. It is a time to give thanks. I’m thankful that this year we are staying home for Thanksgiving. Last year, I spent Thanksgiving at my sister’s, the vegetarian. There is nothing I enjoy more than that traditional Thanksgiving tofu. Mmm! Who made the kelp? Another thing I can’t figure out is half of the vegetarians I know are huge! How does this happen? Are they eating bushels of cabbage? Most of all I’m thankful to bring a few laughs to the world especially during the holiday season.

Hope to see all of you soon.

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Find Me a Plastic Bag!

Well the election is over. The votes have been counted. You voted to outlaw plastic bags. Now I have an anxiety attack every time I have to walk the dog. We have a new puppy. She is a Boston terrier and she is regular. She is a regular little fudge factory. Our neighbor is the Gladys Kravitz of the neighborhood. She guards every lawn as if they are all hers. The other morning I did not have a plastic bag and sure enough there she was staring me down. She was mad dogging me. Just out of spite I reached down and barehanded a pile, looked her square in the eyes and exclaimed “We are green.” “High five?” It’s getting to the point where I’m having people from out of state mail me their plastic bags in plain manilla envelopes. I’m like a drug dealer without the drugs, just the plastic bags.

I wonder about dogs. We train them by putting them in crates. We play with them then abruptly stop, leaving them to wonder why. We decide when they get to eat and when they get to go to the bathroom. If we don’t let them go to the bathroom in time and they have an accident we are upset with them. We dress them in silly embarrassing outfits and hats against their will. Do they really love us or is it just Stockholm syndrome?

I’m thankful we have her though. It is a time to give thanks. I’m thankful that this year we are staying home for Thanksgiving. Last year, I spent Thanksgiving at my sister’s, the vegetarian. There is nothing I enjoy more than that traditional Thanksgiving tofu. Mmm! Who made the kelp? Another thing I can’t figure out is half of the vegetarians I know are huge! How does this happen? Are they eating bushels of cabbage? Most of all I’m thankful to bring a few laughs to the world especially during the holiday season.

Hope to see all of you soon.

About the author

Signal Contributor

Signal Contributor

  • tgtrotter

    Thank you J R !!

Signal Contributor

Signal Contributor