The classification of love languages is based on a popular book by American psychologist Gary Chapman. He explains how to determine your partner’s love language and learn to speak it.
The book “The Five Love Languages” is interesting because it was written by a practicing psychologist who deliberately took couples on the verge of divorce. There was only one requirement – the psychologist had to meet and communicate with both partners.
After analyzing the problem from both sides, seemingly insoluble conflicts were resolved, and most people changed their minds about getting divorced. Let’s find out more about the five love languages, how to use them in your life, and how to speak your partner’s love language.
What Are the Five Love languages?
Love languages list:
- Words of approval
- Gifts
- Time
- Acts of service
- Physical touch
According to Chapman, partners rarely have the same love language. Therefore, they may not understand each other’s needs or show love in the way necessary for their partner. If you want to improve your communication, take the love language test and start speaking the language of your heart, and your partner’s. The idea is that when we understand what language we speak and what our partner speaks, we can build a strong relationship.
- Words of approval
Compliments, praise, sweet confessions, kind words, and reminders of how loved and important they are–these are the recognizable traits of those who love with words. These people always notice details and easily find a reason to compliment.
For example, they immediately appreciate their partner’s new hairstyle. Or, they say thank you for the most seemingly insignificant gestures (“Thank you for going to the supermarket,” “Thank you for bringing water,” “Thank you for not forgetting to take out the trash”). When saying goodbye, they usually don’t forget to say: “I love you.”
People who speak this language want to receive the same in return. Any simple encouragement like “I believe in you!” may strengthen them for daily accomplishments. The more sincere and warm the words, the better.
- Gifts
People whose primary love language is gifts strive to receive them as often as possible. The gift does not have to be expensive–such cute little things “fill” with love, because they preserve the imprint of feelings and emotions in something material.
People who speak this language may think, “She did not forget about me and brought a new mug from the business trip,” or “He remembers that I love daisies, it is so sweet”. Gifts are a message to them that their partner loves, appreciates, and respects them.
- Time
This means quality time spent together, like walks, conversations, travels, cooking, or any other activity both partners like. For many people, this is the most important manifestation of love. You can overwhelm the speakers of this language with gifts or compliments, but it will not be enough for them, simply because these are not their love languages.
Those who value time typically want to spend it well. Sometimes, all you need is to listen to them attentively without interrupting and being deeply interested in their lives. But more often, this love language is about experimenting together, sharing hobbies and trips, or watching films together. Or, taking part in the “One month – one book” challenge and organizing your own local literary club.
Time is a resource, and by choosing to invest it in a loved one, and not in work, study, or a hobby, a person demonstrates the priorities: “I choose you and us.”
- Acts of service
People who speak the language of help and care may be skeptical about beautiful gestures and expensive gifts. Their birthday wish list usually has few items, but they are always ready to vacuum and clean the house for a partner who is tired from work, or go get medicine if their partner is sick.
Here are some examples that someone with this love language would definitely appreciate:
- preparing a dinner for them after a long day at work;
- offering to run errands or pick up dry cleaning without being asked;
- taking the car for an oil change or filling it up with gas;
- bringing them coffee during a busy morning.
At the same time, love is not a rescue. If the desire to help and care develops into obsessive overprotection and a stream of unsolicited advice, this may be a symptom of deeper issues in relationships.
- Physical touches
Small gestures like holding hands or making eye contact can have a big impact if your partner is a physical touch communicator. A quick hug or tender kiss serves as a physical reminder that you value them.
Closeness and contact are the most profound ways for people who speak the love language of physical touch to feel connected. Even though everything else in the relationship seems to be going well, they might feel alienated or unloved if there is little physical contact.
Simple actions can create intimacy, trust, and a strong emotional connection. Examples may include putting your hand on their back as you walk by, cuddling on the couch, or giving them a comforting squeeze when they’re going through a difficult time.
How to Find Your Love Language?
Chapman believes that most people have one or two primary love languages, while the others are situational. To find your language, ask yourself the following questions:
1. What hurts me?
The most intense emotional suffering is frequently caused by the opposite of your love language. For instance, your love language may be words of affirmation if criticism or harsh words hurt you deeply. Acts of service may be crucial if you get frustrated when practical assistance is neglected.
2. What do you often ask your partner for?
Wipe the sink after washing the dishes; compliment more often and bring flowers on holidays; hold hands on the subway, or do not be late for the traditional family dinner on Fridays–each of these requests speaks to what is most important to you.
3. How do you usually express love?
For example, cooking your partner’s favorite cheesecake every Sunday is the language of care and acts of service. Or, writing heartfelt notes and give sincere compliments is a sign of words of affirmation. Or, perhaps you instinctively reach for their hand or enjoy cuddling on the couch — it’s a classic language of physical touch.
What To Do if Your Partner Speaks a Different Language?
The first thing to do is to understand and say what you really expect from your partner. Then, explain why this is important to you.
The third step is to help your partner to do the same. And the fourth is to master each other’s languages. Relationships are a choice, and mastering your partner’s language means choosing to please them and make them happy. In this case, using only your usual way of expressing love means ignoring the needs of your partner.
