By David Hegg
We’ve all heard that “to err is human, to forgive divine.” If you’re wondering what it comes down to, it’s this: We all mess up. No matter how good we think we are, there will always be times when our goodness gives way to sarcasm, insults, and hurtful words and actions. As the song goes, we too often hurt the ones we love. Yet, we also know a forgiving heart, while requiring humility and love, can be the first step to saving or restoring a relationship.
The problem isn’t that we hurt others, but that in so doing, we create walls and distance between ourselves and those with whom we were meant to share life. Conflict creates separation, and if not dealt with, that separation can become a canyon that grows deeper and wider over time.
As a pastor, I’ve had far too much experience trying to undo the havoc people waged on relationships with family, friends and neighbors through extended emotional warfare. Minor disagreements and disappointments can grow into monstrous mountains of seething resentment that keep the parties involved from enjoying that precious human experience: friendship, camaraderie, and most importantly, family.
At Christmas, these fractures take on an oversized life of their own. Just as many cheerfully get together for the joy and pageantry of the season, too many are stubbornly determined to remain distant from those who have wronged them. Sadly, they often consider their refusal to meet and make merry a suitable punishment for the pain they have suffered.
Who is really being punished? If your relationships have been fractured, and you have no intention of finding a remedy, aren’t you at least partially to blame for the pain you feel? I know, I know. You’ve been hurt so severely, you deserve to make the perpetrators suffer, right? You’re not going to soften or make nice, right? You have the right to hold grudges, demean those who hurt you, and even do what you can to recruit others to see it your way and join your pity party, right?
Wrong. Here’s the deal. You’re bitter, and you think storing up bitterness is your right. But let me bring some good old common sense to the problem.
Bitterness is the residue of wrongs suffered that we collect and hold onto so we can feel good about acting badly. Bitterness grows resentment, and resentment produces the fruit of anger, spite, malice and all manner of unrighteous thoughts and actions. But we rationalize our behavior because of our pain! We feel good about acting badly. We believe it is our right. Yet, it is killing us inside. Bitterness is an acid that eats its container. It seduces us into thinking we’re the righteous ones, the victims, when it has victimized us as it eats away at our souls.
So, what are we going to do about it? I can offer advice from a guy named Paul, who wrote a good portion of the New Testament. In his friendly letter to the church folk in Ephesus, he advised them to “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Let’s walk through this together. Paul was really good with words, and here he intentionally puts them together in ascending order. Notice he starts deep in the heart and mind with bitterness, that rotting, pulsating reminder of wrongs suffered. Then, he moves to the poison we know as wrath and anger that rises from the bitter swamp. These two words speak to the two kinds of anger. First, there is the seething wrath that is just waiting for a chance to flare up, and when it does, it’s called anger. Next comes clamor. You know, the incessant whining and pontificating about the past, which always leads to slandering those responsible for their pain.
Paul shows that these are the roadblocks to forgiveness. They squash even minor consideration of seeing the offenders through the lens of forgiveness. But, they don’t have to! We can take the reins of our hearts and determine instead to be kind. Yes, be kind. Take the high road, and learn to forgive.
Obviously, you and I can only work on our own hearts and our own perspectives. But who knows? If we mop up the bitterness, dial down the wrath and anger, and shut off the clamor and slander, we might find it in our hearts to see those who hurt us in a different, better light. And, if not, at least the past won’t keep us from enjoying what Christmas is all about. And that’s the birth of the One who has come to forgive us all.
From me to you, with all my heart … May your Christmas be joyous and merry!
Local resident David Hegg is senior pastor of Grace Baptist Church. “Ethically Speaking” appears Sundays.
