The Village Idiot (retired)

It’s tax season somewhere

By Jim Mullen, Signal Contributing Writer Sometimes, I wonder how they pay their taxes in different countries.  In Russia, two big burly guys probably knock on your door and say,

Who will win in Idaho?

“Who do you think will win Iowa?” I asked Stan as he replaced the starter on my old beater. Stan watches all those cable TV shows about politics all day long at his garage, so I knew he’d have an informed opinion.

Par for the course

Monica hated her golfing ex-husband so much that when she felt it was time to start over, she made it a hard-and-fast rule that she would never date a golfer.

Gimme shelter magazines

I was flipping through a glossy home decor magazine and stopped at a section on bathrooms. The featured element, the tub, was a harsh, gray rectangle with knife-edge corners made of gray poured concrete.

A cure for everything

The only time you see gray-haired people like me on television is in commercials that only run during the evening news.

I brake for cars

I parked next to an SUV yesterday that was so big I could have parked my car, a smaller SUV, inside of it. With plenty of room left over to seat four people comfortably.

In one year and out the other

What’s the connection between New Year’s and resolutions, anyway? Why can’t we make resolutions on Memorial Day or July 4th?

The bottom 10 list

You know those Top 10 lists that crop up every year around this time? Forget those. Instead, here are the worst things about 2019 — from “awful” at number 91 through “somehow even worse” at number 100.

Babes in Toyland

When you put a child in the ball pit at the local fast-food restaurant, you can bet that every ball will be licked clean and ready for the next child to play with. And the next, and the next, and the next.

I should have joined a mental health club

There are all kinds of people at my health club who use canes and walkers and crutches to get around; all kinds of people who wear braces and slings. Many members are overweight, and some are so skinny their Spandex sags. Some have beer bellies and love handles, hairy backs, bald heads, flabby arms and sagging pecs.

UFOs: Unidentified Fridge Objects

There were other things in there that used to be vegetables, but were now composting at an alarming rate. Is cauliflower better-tasting when it’s brown? Are carrots supposed to be as soft to the touch as raw hot dogs? And how can you tell if broccoli has gone bad? It seems to taste the same.

The Village Idiot: The Influencers

She’s 18 and has half a zillion followers on Instagram. Her posts are full of great pearls of wisdom like, “Somedays I feel pretty and somedays I don’t.” That bit of knowledge should be good for a few million likes and a couple of thousand comments.

The Village Idiot: Home Ick

It seems to be taking an awfully long time to remodel the guest bathroom, but that’s partly my fault. Apparently you can’t just put a shower anywhere you want, because they have to move the pipes.

Which ones are really the ‘bad’ neighborhoods?

Malta is a country on three small islands between Sicily and Africa, almost dead-center in the Mediterranean. It’s about the size of Staten Island, but it’s an independent country and a member of the European Union.

How things have changed

In almost all public men’s restrooms — airports, truck stops, stadiums, convenience stores — there are now diaper-changing stations. Because dads are certainly just as capable of changing diapers as moms.

I’m driving me crazy

I’ve never been in an accident, but it’s finally dawning on me how many of my friends volunteer to drive for me after they spend a few minutes in my passenger seat, stamping down on the nonexistent passenger-side brake pedal.

Funaholics, not workaholics

Before they were world-famous, or even Great Britain-famous, the Beatles would play three or four shows a day at several different venues. If you’ve ever been in a band, you know what that means.

You’ll love our low, low prices

Get your checkbooks out — it’s bargain time. The average price of a Manhattan apartment has dropped from $1.2 million to $1.1 million.

The Village Idiot: Casual Friday has taken over the whole week

It used to be that convenience stores at popular summer beaches had signs on the front door that read “No shirt, no shoes, no entry.” It was right next to the sign that read “Bathroom for customers only.” Now the sign on the door says, “No shirt, no shoes, no problem.”