Donald Trump by a Hair


I am getting ready to watch the first presidential debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. At the Democratic National Convention, Bill Clinton claimed that he had married his best friend. Apparently they are friends without benefits. Donald Trump just got the endorsement of boxing promoter Don King. It’s no coincidence they have the same barber. People are obsessed with hair. Jimmy Fallon messed up Trump’s hair. People accuse Hillary of wearing a wig. At one time in this country, we had a Whig party.

People obsess over hair. Madison Avenue is determined to convince us that our hair is too straight, too curly, the wrong color, or too thin. Can something really add volume to hair? People pay billions of dollars on their hair. Some people pay to have hair removed. They have it waxed, sugared, or really go after it whole hog with electrolysis. Waxing always got me. Paying someone money to pour hot wax on your flesh, then rip it off, and yank out your most delicate hairs by the root! Yikes! I have trouble taking off a band-aid. Who came up with this idea? Hitler? I’d like to meet the first guy to pitch this idea. He could sell X-Lax in Mexico.

Others of us pay big bucks to add hair. Creams, lotions, foams, scalp stimulators, transplants and toupees. Men will try anything. You could tell a balding man that rubbing wombat manure on your head will grow hair, and he would try it at any price. I just made that up, so please don’t try to find a constipated wombat.

We balding men take delight in seeing other people lose their hair. I get a tiny bit happier every time I see Prince William. We judge every new person we meet based on whether they have more or less hair than we have. Someone recently told me that your hair continues to grow after you are dead. Fantastic! There are dead men doing better than me. I needed to know that. No one in this country cheered louder than me when they finally killed Osama bin Laden. I looked at my TV and exclaimed “Boy that SOB sure had a full head of hair!” Well it’s time for the debate to start and I am going to predict Donald Trump will win by a hair!

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