The Ten Commandments

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People say to me, “Randy, why do you do comedy?” I do comedy because the thrill of making people laugh is the second greatest thrill known to man. The first is the thrill of making love. I happen to be able to experience both of these thrills simultaneously. My lovemaking frequently evokes laughter. People ask me when I became a comedian. I think it was when I learned The Ten Commandments. The first one was Thou Shalt Not Kill. If you don’t want me to kill, then quit buying me gold fish! Remember that first goldfish you had when you were a kid? How long did he live? Hours? I once had a goldfish die in the plastic bag, in the car, on the way home from the store. But we were resilient as kids and we would go back to Woolworth’s every day for a week and kill another one. It got to the point where the goldfish at Woolworth’s recognized me.

They would say to each other, “That’s him! Hide! You get behind the castle! I’ve got dibs on the shipwreck!” Then your parents would let you get a turtle. Remember those little red-eared turtles you used to see in the back of the store? You don’t see them anymore. You know why? Because we have eliminated them from the face of the Earth. Most of them crawled under sofas and dried up with the number five painted on their shells. But the best pet we ever got growing up was a chameleon lizard. This was a great adventure because the chameleon lizard ate live food. Little meal worms, and you could watch the food chain right before your eyes as your chameleon spotted it’s prey, captured it, and devoured it whole. The only problem was, I could not even keep the mealworms alive. They all died on me. Well I threw them in the toilet, and I must have forgot to flush, because two hours later my grandmother came flying out of that bathroom, screaming, “I’ve got WORMS!”

By the time I was nine, I was certain I was doomed based on that one commandment alone.

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