Once again, I sit alone at the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy offices after the conclusion of the annual Christmas party. The revelers have all gone home, leaving mounds of destroyed wrapping paper after the white elephant exchange.
I got a Darth Vader Angry Birds pillow. Seriously, who comes up with this stuff? I wonder what Trump brings as his white elephant – maybe Panama? I bet Hilary brought Huma’s laptop.
My 2016 predictions were six corrects and three wrongs with one maybe.
I really messed up on the election predictions. I had Trump’s hair catching on fire with Paul Ryan stepping into the void and running the tables on Hilary.
The new year is going to be a much more difficult year to predict. There are so many wild cards and unknowns.
Donald Trump is probably chief among these question marks. But it is always a good exercise to think about the future and what it may hold for us.
So without further ado or gilding the lily, let us proceed with the 2017 predictions.
Donald Trump will begin the process of re-defining the American presidency, for good or ill. If he succeeds in reforming immigration and Obamacare, his excesses and miscues will be largely ignored.
However, if he fails on these central tenants of his campaign, he will lose popular support and set up an impeachment showdown some time in his second or third year.
He will resign before this happens, ushering in a great Republican president, Mike Pence.
Trump will also try something new: “sober texting.” Or Kellyanne Conway will steal his cell phone every evening and return it to him at breakfast.
Former President Obama will start a rock band called “Obamarama and the Kenyans.”
The Cleveland Browns front office will make a radical direction change, fire the coaching staff, draft the best talent available, and completely revise their roster.
Browns fans’ hopes will soar. And the Browns will win two games. Sorry, Cleveland. It’s terminal.
The movie musical will make an unprecedented comeback. People will flock to theaters to see a revival of the “song and dance man.”
Personally, I’ve been waiting a long time for this one. I’d watch Hugh Jackman doing a song and dance over extending claws out his fists any day.
A discussion will begin in the United States about controlling the veracity of the internet.
With the latest revelations about fake news and intentional manipulation of elections by foreign powers, there will be recognition by many that the internet may represent a growing threat to our republic.
Of course, the first amendment implications are staggering. Who will be the internet “watchdog”? What will the “penalties” be for reporting knowingly false information?
How can Americans be taught to be vigilant for fake news?
Obamacare will enter a revision process. Those Republicans who insist on total repeal will either learn to compromise or be frozen out.
The “revise” Republicans will easily form a coalition with Democrats and craft a new system keeping the best of Obamacare and modifying/replacing the ineffective parts.
Get ready for a single-payer system, folks. There does not seem to be a way around it.
Harpsicord music will make a huge comeback. Mozart tunes will be sung by the Pentatonix on their next album and will sell a billion records. Or CDs. Or downloads. Or whatever they sell these days.
After winning their fifth straight NL West crown, the Los Angeles Dodgers will win the World Series from the New York Yankees. Dodgers’ shortstop Corey Seager will be named MVP.
The San Francisco Giants will declare that they can never beat the Dodgers ever again.
Finally, the Mighty Signal will continue to be the bastion of honest reporting here in the Santa Clarita Valley. Many of you prefer the New York Times, the L.A. Times, or the Wall Street Journal. I will take our unbiased and fair Signal over any other news source any day.
To all of our loyal readers, a sincere thanks. All of us Opinion writers appreciate you and the attention you give us. You are part of the civil discussion that we enjoy on this page. Happy New Year!
Steve Lunetta is a resident of Santa Clarita and the Grand Imperious Dear Leader of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.