So there’s a new movement afoot among certain dermatologists. They’re urging people not to take showers. You know what they call people who don’t take showers?
Democrats.
Dear Mr. Santa Clarita Valley:
How DARE you. I take personal umbrage at yet another sophomoric and blatant… oh. Just never mind. In lieu of our kneejerk traditional outrage over frankly everything, please accept the enclosed desperate sound effects of outraged monkeys in estrus to simulate our political response.
Have a good ’un,
Hunt Braly
On Behalf of Society of Young & Nubile SCV Democrats
(Not Really A Member, But It’s A Great Place To Meet Girls)
Why thank you, Hunt.
Recently, an entire small and stinky passel of dermatologists have gone public with an indictment against cleanliness.
Which is next to You Know Who-liness.
According to a Harvard Medical School report, showering daily may actually be injurious to our health. In a recent article, HMS claimed that daily showering can lead to “…dry, irritated or itchy skin… allergic reactions… skin infections… destruction of immune memory… and, hysterical blindness resulting in not wanting to become a body odor-rich sleep-with-everyone socialist.”
That last part?
I sort of made up.
Which I’m entitled to because I’m in the media and you are not.
“And, showering can lead to singing,” noted the Harvard Med School report.
That last quote?
I sort of made that up, too. But, you do have to wonder. What IS it in the psyche of the left-leaning cult of dermatologists that drives liberals to take away everything from potato chips to heterosexuality that gives us normal people pleasure?
There is an alarming number of skin doctors who feel that we run the risk of losing “essential oils” washed down the drain during our beloved, daily, long-lasting, relaxing, wash-your-cares-and-woes away shower.
I’m not sure what the attraction is dermatologists have with “essential oils.” Or f-ssential or g-ssential oils, for that matter.
Isn’t that WHY we take showers every day? To NOT be oily?
Can you imagine such a dystopian world?
You’re applying for a high-paying job in the Valencia Industrial Center. You walk into the Human Resources office where die strenge Frau urges you to take a seat. Unfortunately, it’s on one of those really uncomfortable Ikea slippery plastic chairs. Your butt slides right off and you’re on your back in the overturned cockroach position, blinking at neon lights.
“Hmm. O.H.S. Oily Heinie Syndrome. Didn’t shower, did you, Cadwallader?” asked the interviewer, bending over to inspect your sorry carcass, oozing essential oils from every pore.
Spine damaged from the fall, you can only manage a bleat.
The HR lady smiles knowingly and nods. “Very cutting edge. Congratulations! You start Monday!”
As we’re all aware, high tech is teeming — like your body, with germs if you don’t bathe — with non-showering Democrats.
In their report, Harvard, which produced Barack Obama, who showers 13, maybe 14 times daily because he feels exempt, also noted that we expose ourselves to tap water, which contains: “…salt, heavy metals, chlorine, fluoride, pesticides and other chemicals.”
The Harvard study also accused: “Besides water, all shower water contains alarming amounts of mercury, lead, sewage, black widow spiders, more mercury, radioactive isotopes, bed bugs, spittle, LSD, battery acid, rotting cauliflower, goo, goop, mold, mildew, processed sugar, polyunsaturates, dirty diapers and Climate Change.”
That last paragraph from the Harvard report?
I sort of made that up, too.
But that doesn’t make it less true because I strongly, strongly believe it.
Harvard does insinuate that taking a daily shower is a waste of water, which I’m guessing they’re inferring that the H2O would be better used by all the illegal aliens in the country to water their lawns and plantain plantations.
And, of course, the illegal aliens could enjoy the American luxury of taking long, daily, steaming hot showers while singing “Bye-bye!!” to all those essential oils circling the drain.
Sigh. Smile. A hot shower. Now there’s something over which we can all find common ground.
To tell you the truth, I’m a little worried.
Is the Harvard Medical School trying to tell us something?
I’d hate to be a fly on the wall in an operating prep room.
NURSE: “Why, Dr. Gregory Jenkins! You’re in Bermuda shorts and flip-flops! Aren’t you going to wash your hands or put on gloves before performing this life-or-death brain surgery?”
DR. JENKINS: “Are you insane!?!? And risk losing the essential oils off my mitts!?!?”
Oh well.
On the bright side, with all these millions of non-washing people, mostly Democrats, collecting vast reserves of essential body oils, we can just stick them in some sort of squishing machine and turn them all into 87-octane unleaded.
Voila.
Energy crisis solved and the imbeciles in Sacramento can guzzle another ga-bazillion dollars in tax revenue.
Call me old-fashioned. But I miss the good old days.
That was back when the only place for oily skin in America was at a live female topless wrestling competition at your friendly neighborhood den of inequity…
John Boston has 119 major writing awards, owns no monkeys or Democrats, holds the current world record for most humor columns written and is a proud local daily showerer… er-er.
