John Boston | Switch to Being a Democrat? I’d Rather Eat Dirt.

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A dear friend sincerely asked if I’d consider “switching teams.” He didn’t mean I should start wearing bun-hugger short-shorts, mascara and fan myself coquettishly as I lament how difficult it is for a girl to get a fabulous banana daiquiri Canyon Country, which, come to think about it, it is difficult to get a fabulous banana daiquiri in Canyon Country.

Nope.

He meant me switching from Conservative to Democrat.

Hock. Spit. Ptooey.

Though registered Republican, I’m a methodist, lower case “m.” I’m interested in what works. I’ve voted for Democrats, back when the difference was as strident as choosing vanilla or French vanilla. But, something terrible has happened. A good political party has gone, not awry, but Hee-Bee-Bee Screaming Yellow Bonkers. 

My friend cajoled: “The Democrats could really use a clever mind like yours.”

“Thanks,” I replied. “But, to what end?” 

This pal? I dearly love the guy. He’s sharp, witty, erudite. In most aspects of his life, he’s introspective and seeks Truth and Solution. But, like so many Democrats, his daily values don’t match his political choices. He can’t even begin to tell me what his beloved Liberalism stands for. 

“What does Liberalism stand for?”

I’ve asked attorneys, doctors, professors, teachers, union workers, dozens in show business — sharp people from all walks of life. I get nervous one-liners. I get snarls. Injured bovine noises. I get the strangest responses. Like how conservatives — conservatives — control all aspects of modern life — media, education, advertising, culture, entertainment, government, and liberals need to fight back because they’re oppressed.

Really? How asterisk-backwards is that?

I get phantasmagorical responses about conservatives being racist, hating women, that we like to kill people, lie, cheat, steal, censor, oppress and blow up the Earth. At a party, I had a run-in with a Disney exec who firmly believed that Baptists — Buh-Buh-Buh-Buh-Baptists — have killed more people since 9/11 than all the world’s Islamic terrorists combined.

Worse? As Disney-Bozo is standing by his preponderantly stupid pronouncement, other liberals are nodding solemnly in agreement.

Baptists? C’mon.

Are you guys all high?

The Democratic presidential field is shrinking as one imbecile after another folds. It looks like a fight now between one of the dumbest men in American history — Joe Biden — and another mooncalf, Bernie Sanders. All his career, Joe Biden’s been a fumbling, inept, hair-sniffing, woman-pawing political hack with a biography of miscues, gaffes, eye-wateringly imbecilic statements and business ventures questionable if not crooked. 

Joe’s a double threat: an unused brain attacked by misremembered nostalgia.

Bernie? The maple syrup stooge gets outwitted by topless coeds. How can you fail “Hippie?” The Bern was kicked out of a commune for “not contributing.” At least Bernie’s improved. He went from lazy to corrupt, lining his family’s pockets with millions obtained dubiously. His senior staff are on record FAVORING the re-establishment of Soviet-style gulags to re-educate those who won’t vote for him.

Really? You’re a Democrat? Civil rights kinda guy or gal? You don’t see anything wrong with concentration camps?

Biden’s brain was featured in “Young Frankenstein.” It was in the glass jar that Igor misread as “A.B. Normal.” Vote for Biden because he’s NOT Lenin AND because he let children play “with his wet leg hair” in his lifeguard days? 

We’ve wasted three years, millions of dollars and crushed so many innocent lives with Democratic conspiracies, investigations, hearings and an impeachment that were just plain mean and wicked. Meanwhile, Joe’s immortalized on tape, threatening to withhold foreign aid from the Ukraine unless they drop investigations on his son, Hunter, the stripper impregnator.

Do I want to jump ship and become a liberal?

Shame on the Democratic Party. 

They can’t count votes yet want Americans to hand over their lives, wallets and basic freedoms to build an even larger Orwellian police state. Worried about Climate Change or yet another feigned end of the world? Yup. Sure. Turn over total control to the Democrats.

That’ll raise, lower or keep your thermometer stable.

In a few months, we’re heading for, one way or the other, a historic general election. The Democratic campaigns have been an explosion in a clown factory. They seem to despise the very country and people they represent. Their platform is dystopia. Hysteria. Hypocrisy. Blame. Shame. Fear mongering. Followed by more blame. 

Flat. Out. Stupid.

Worse? Biden and Bernie can’t even come up with a Price Tag on Stupid.

My friend wants me to switch parties. He can’t tell me what he or his Democrats stand for in 2020.

I can.

Abortion — right up to the birth? Didn’t we used to call these delightful gifts from God, “babies?” We’re wading through the coronavirus. The Democrats call for open borders. In recent years, there’ve been hundreds of reported attacks on conservatives. Pitting races and groups against one another? Sneering at religion? Snarling at Middle America? Wrecking the economy? Crippling energy for the common man while jet-setting to tony environmental conferences on, well — jets? Open the jails? Votes for 16-year-olds? Votes for illegal aliens? Votes for felons? Increase taxes to paralyzing levels? Eliminating everything from meat to dairy, straws to soda? Outlawing free speech, free thought, free expression? Constant character assassination and harassment? Screaming “racist!” 24/7? Shaming the Second Amendment so that in the future, only the Left will control guns? Building an increasingly amoral culture?

THIS is the party I’m supposed to gleefully join?

Ain’t. Gonna. Happen…

John Boston is a local writer.

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