From the Desk of George Gascón
District Attorney, Los Angeles County
December 17, 2022
To: All Deputy District Attorneys and Staff
Re: Another New Policy Directive
Good morning and happy generic holidays to you! By now you are all familiar with my most recent policy directive, which around the office we casually are calling, “Free Passes for Illegal Immigrants Because They Deserve Better Than You, U.S. Citizen Taxpayer Scum.”
To recap, here’s how it works: If an undocumented immigrant commits, say, a drive-by shooting, we must take their immigration status into account and do WHATEVER IT TAKES to keep them in the country and out of jail. I’m suggesting a “diversion program.”
You know. Something like enrollment in a Parks and Recreation macrame class. And, shooting lessons at the nearest gun range. Remember: Grouping matters!
We are doing this because, in order to treat undocumented immigrants equally under the law, we have to give them preferential treatment. The logic is flawless! Whatever you do, do NOT charge an undocumented immigrant with a crime. It’s disrespectful to them as our new neighbors. You don’t want to be disrespectful, DO YOU??
Now that we have established undocumented immigrants as a Special Protected Class of Criminal, I want to give you an early look at some other new directives we are working on and expect to distribute to you soon:
• Directive 2022-997: Pronoun Protection. If someone — especially a Republican — refuses to use the preferred pronouns of anyone who identifies as one of the scientifically established and totally factual 72 genders, we will now charge it as a hate crime. Remember: Guns don’t kill people. Politically incorrect pronouns do.
• Directive 2022-998: Sentencing Enhancements for Cops. You may remember that I issued a previous directive eliminating the pursuit of sentencing enhancements. But we are bringing SOME of them back! If the defendant is a law enforcement officer, we will go after the case EXTRA hard and ask the judge to throw the book at them! I smell BACON!
• Directive 2022-999: Smash-and-Grab Pardons. Just like what it sounds like. Not only will we NOT prosecute smash-and-grab thefts, we will make sure to send those suspects home with a cookie and a hug showing our support for their plight. Business owners can suck it.
• Directive 2023-001: Poop Anywhere You Like. Human feces are part of nature. On the sidewalk? In front of someone’s business? Public park? Not going to be treated as a crime. Learn to live with it, and love it. It’s liberating! Plus, it worked for San Francisco.
• Directive 2023-002: Favors for My Friends. Support my re-election campaign? Get a high-placed job in the DA’s office! No experience necessary! In fact, that’s preferred. We don’t need prosecutors in the prosecutor’s office. They’re too mean to the people we are here to protect.
• Directive 2023-003: Whining from “Crime Victims.” Anyone caught complaining about this office when we refuse to prosecute someone will now be charged with obstruction of justice. And, we’ll report their Facebook posts to Mark Zuckerberg. They’re all racists, you know.
• Directive 2023-004: White Collar Crime Is Worse Than Gunplay. We’re starting a new emphasis on white collar crime. Think of it like that movie, “Freaky Friday,” where Jamie Lee Curtis and Lindsay Lohan swapped bodies. Weren’t they both simply adorbs in that movie? Anyway. It’ll be like that, except in this case, someone who commits insurance fraud will be prosecuted like someone who commits murder, and vice versa. Yay justice!
That’s it for now. Thanks, Team! And keep an eye out in your office mailbox for your BRAND NEW BUSINESS CARDS! Hand them out to all your friends and random people you meet on the street! We’re very excited about the new design.
They look like this:
Tim Whyte is editor of The Signal.