John Boston | Gorilla Oil & an Explanation of Bidenomics

John Boston

There’s an election sneaking up. Before he’s put to a firing squad for treason, my president, Joe “The Chinese Warlord” Biden, thought it might be a crackerjack idea to come up with some sort of Hollywood promotional scam to make it appear he’s actually done something beyond destroying one perfectly good country. So. Warlord Joe came out with a brand-new economic policy to rally his base of braindead butthead donkey girl scouts that we sane people like to call, “Democrats.”  

Joe’s program is called, “Bidenomics.” 

Joe got really ticked off the other day when, clutch your heart and feign angina, an actual reporter asked Joe a non-ice cream/non-Who’s Your Favorite Movie Star question.  

The query? “What’s Bidenomics, Mr. President, and, can you spell it?” 

Joe is in the twilight stage doctors like to call dementia. We laymen refer to it as, “You Damn Kids Get Off My Lawn!” 

Or, as Joe’s wife, Jill, calls it in Spanish: “¡Ustedes niñas, bajen de mi césped y es Martes de tacos!” The Tuesday Taco line? Jill didn’t actually say that. I made it up. 

Incensed, Joe, yelled at the reporter. Standing in front of gaily painted “BIDENOMICS” signs, Joe claimed he’d never heard of the term before and blamed his fawning media for saddling him with the name. 

This one rare time, I agree. Our president, known affectionately to the Chinese Communist Party as “Addled Thief Plague of the Steppes,” should have called his economic policy, “Stupidonomics.” First, when it fails 20 minutes post-implementation, Joe won’t have his name attached. Second, Joe’ll have the opportunity to adopt his patented snarky grin. Standing before burning rubble on CNN (with the headline, “Mostly Non-Burning Rubble”) Joe can say, “See? I told you guys. No one should have ever supported something called ‘Stupidonomics.’ Those damn, child-birthing MAGA rat bastard pony bozos!!!” 

Long stare off into space. Laughing conversation with self. Trip over extension cord (put there by fellow Democrats in the hope there’s a graceful end to his 2024 presidential candidacy). From somewhere under the stage, Joe’s screaming fit ends with a muffled, “… One million IRS agents are coming to fix your wagons, only one bounce on the high dive!!!” 

Bidenomics is built on the premise the public is muy stupido and short on memory. Then, the Democrats convince the populace some epic catastrophe is looming. Like, weather. Or, as liberals have remarketed it: Death Climate. I’m suspecting the Democrats’ next made-up crisis might be, “Impending Darkness!” followed by “Light Where Everyone Goes Blind!!” My parents used to call that, “Night” and, when appropriate, “Day.” 

Anywho. President Bribemeister and the Democrats terrorize the easily spooked, distracted and confused tepid chop-suey-for-brains American public that the planet is squeaking on its hinges and we’re out of WD-40. Therefore, everyone must stop going to work, traveling, eating hot food, smiling, educating their kids and pay a zillion percent more in taxes to buy more WD-40, which the government grinningly points out they can get a special deal on for $1 trillion per 3-ounce can. 

Which will be sprayed by a special transgender new WD-40 czar (named, “Dale”). Dale will be lowered on a rope over the Earth’s edge to lubricate the offending axis. Following that will be another paid federal holiday honoring heroic transgender government WD-40 spritzers. Bonus. You don’t have to actually BE a transgenderized sprayer. You can just identify as such. 

This is SO off subject, but, you know what would be a great new product? Gorilla Oil. It’s just a knock-off of WD-40 except brought to you by the fine family of Gorilla Tape products. Please send any finder’s fee to my home address and not The Signal as we had a rash of Tupperware thefts from the reporters’ mainstream media communal refrigerator last month. 

Speaking of food, the essential argument for Democratic Party programs is based entirely on alcoholism. If you suffer from drinking too much, have another drink. Or 50. That will certainly cure what ails you. You’ve been given billions to fight homelessness? Fork over more cash to the same imbeciles who launch blue-ribbon committees to print unreadable studies and fund companies, owned by Democratic donors, to buy federal pogo sticks for the homeless to reach the second-story pool in their condos. 

Have a crime problem? 

Have your friendly local Democratic bureaucrat write another gazillion-dollar pretend study, then form C.H.Z.’s. 

That stands for, “Community Homicide Zones.” Instead of randomly murdering people in our neighborhoods, gang members, homicidal whackos and distraught fired postal employees have to drive their victims out to special OSHA-approved areas to murder someone. We’ll have special government stations that dispense large, and I mean, really large, doggie bags. The criminals are asked to clean up after themselves. This comes with incentive legislation reversing the Three Strikes Law where the first three homicides are deemed, “sub-misdemeanors.”  

Bidenomics. It’s economics for dumb people. Like Tennis Shoe Redistribution Programs. Or, Rope Subsidies To Topple Offensive Statues. Or, College Majors On How To Safely Yell From The Diaphragm (and a subsequent White House cabinet position, complete with staff). Or, Get Out The Dog Vote programs. Or, more in line with Democratic policies — Get Out The Dead Dog Vote programs.  

Hm. I might have come up with another great idea. It’s a joint private sector/government partnership. It’s called, “Gorilla Lipstick.” I must confess. I took the inspiration from the old adage, “…putting lipstick on a pig,” then, deftly exchanged “gorilla” for the offending and quite unappealing lady Artiodactyla

Just dab Gorilla Lipstick on anything real ugly, close your eyes, pucker up and, according to the Democrats, whatever you’re kissing is now magically transformed into something beautiful. 

And, that’s Bidenomics. For Dummies … 

Santa Clarita’s John Boston is the most prolific satirist in world history. Do visit his bookstore,, and buy stuff, except for Gorilla Oil because we’re still figuring out how to pour WD-40 into our new aerosol cans …

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