John Boston | FAA: Hiring the Sleep-Deprived & the Flatulent

John Boston

Not at all am I anti-government. Almost daily, a smile creeps upon my countenance as I pass the many tree-lined medians and shrubbery-rich albeit minuscule green spaces of Santa Clarita. The city, along with the ancient remnants of The Newhall Land & Farming Co., has helped make our valley a Garden of Eden. 

Still. This curmudgeon’s heart pounds insistent war drums over the omnipresent insanity that too much government creates. We are at a point where there are two Americas, one for braindead bureaucrats and one for private citizens. 

I was so terribly disappointed to learn that the recent headlines bombarding liberals with stale watermelons was an error in target acquirement. The Big Story for we conservatives was that the Federal Aviation Administration was actively seeking not just the mentally challenged for employment opportunities, but the SEVERELY oingo boingo overpaid helpers. That bit of balderdash was actually launched during the presidency of My Personal Friend, Donald Trump. To be fair, booger-eating Democrats have, and will continue, to champion those with bowels where the brain is supposed to be. 

“The Federal Aviation Administration is actively recruiting workers who suffer ‘severe intellectual’ disabilities, psychiatric problems and other mental and physical conditions under a diversity and inclusion hiring initiative spelled out on the agency’s website,” Fox News reported.  

This is from the FAA’s website on their policy to hire, ahem, those with issues not mentioned at the family dinner table:  

“Targeted disabilities are those disabilities that the federal government, as a matter of policy, has identified for special emphasis in recruitment and hiring,” notes the FAA’s web page. “They include hearing, vision, missing extremities, partial paralysis, complete paralysis, epilepsy, severe intellectual disability, psychiatric disability and dwarfism.” 

Well. Yes. Of course. I can understand that someone missing limb or digit can perform at a yeoman’s level overseeing manned flight. I mean, the sky’s a big place. What are the odds that, other than the ground or yet-to-be-mapped mountain top, you’re going to bump into something? 

As for hiring dwarfs, that’s the government’s word, not mine. (The Signal copy desk goes full-blown apoplectic when you type “Dwarf,” “Midget” or “Midget Wrestler” as opposed to “Cute Little People Who Earn A Living Beating Each Other Half To Death In The Ring.”) 

And, who better to hire to monitor airline safety than someone with severe psychological issues? You know. Like, serial killers? “BOB! You’ve got those two overbooked passenger 747s headed right toward one another at Mach 2!!” yells an FAA supervisor. “Thousands will be killed!!” 

“Mwa ha ha, ha ha,” replies Bob. “In the end, isn’t it all just an explosion of bright, beautiful white light?” 

Except for Hillary, using a serial killer is probably not a fair example. An airline loses the luggage of a child traveling alone. The child complains. The F.B.M. (Federal Baggage Monitor), who is a manic depressive, responds, “I don’t care.” 

The child is directed to a schizophrenic, who tells the airline traveler, “I didn’t lose your luggage. YOU LOST MY LUGGAGE!!!!” 

And the two must be separated. 

The FAA is looking for people with complete paralysis. Hate to be a downer, but what happens when it’s your turn to go to the food court and you have to cart back a dozen Starbucks? Worse? What if you are stricken with Complete Paralysis AND Epilepsy? You’re inviting serious spillage. 

Of course, I’ve been listing extreme examples. No decent civil servant would entrust the cargo of their 28 mandatory coffee breaks to someone who gets the Hysterical Shivers (there was an Ex-Wife On Wedding Night joke that appeared here, but the copy desk yanked it) or someone with a severe hearing disability. 

“Hey Betty. Get me a Venti matcha latte made with ox milk, a shot of mead and lima bean bitter foam atop …” 

BETTY: “Wha …?” 

Mute? The stewardess who, prior to takeoff, gives the In Case Of The 50-50 Impending Fiery Crash Reach For Your Little Oxygen Masks speech? 

Severe mental issues? The ticket-taker who informs you’ve been bumped, despite an ironclad reservation, note from your doctor, you’re in a Green Beret uniform AND you’re Jesus? Or, whilst dawdling at the mental issues counter, transportation czar, Pete Buttigieg? 

All this comedy is not by accident. 

Our government and corporate fiefdoms exist not so much to serve a constituency, but rather to create a language only they can speak and write rules not even they can understand. 

In a perfect world, there is a job for every soul, and every soul gets a fair share of chances. Not even the best of us learns French or muffler repair at first crack. The world is presently dying from a lack of love — not imbecility. In the madman world of Wokeism, DEI, social justice and government upside-down thinking, our asked-for and unasked-for leaders are more concerned about how many Alice in Wonderland boxes can be checked on a 6,074-page form than applying what is so obviously mental poisoning in their day-to-day lives: common sense. 

A solution? I’d opt for a collection of the useless. I’m referring to our gout-ridden administrations without end ruling class — not the handicapped. I’d order the construction of giant trebuchets. 

They wouldn’t even need OSHA, Antifa or FAA approval. 

I’d launch the hundreds of thousands of willfully moronic guideline creators, assistants-to-unheard-of-nobodies and production assistants who produce videos on the proper placement of paperclips from said catapults and have them serve, far, far away, as space debris. 

As the old saying goes, “In space, no one can hear you mitigate …”  

John Boston (with any mental disturbances cleverly hidden) is the world’s most prolific political satirist. And, he’s nearly 6-foot-2 and doesn’t drool. Much. Visit his Speaking of mental issues, buy his hilarious “The Unauthorized Autobiography of Joe Biden.”

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