It all started from one innocent story in The Mighty Signal. In the June 11 issue of America’s most resplendent periodical, an article was apparently riddled with errors. It was about the local Salvation Army’s inaugural hosting of a National Donut Day event.
First, may I point out that until that tragic day when Democrats control everything, unlike Christmas, EVERY day in America is National Donut Day? Bow. Genuflect. Sign of the Cross. Interpretive folding of the arms to form a Star of David. Solemn Native American chanting.
Upper management frowns on me mentioning people by name who write letters to the editor. Corporate calls it, “punching down.” Actually, in a few Cyrano-esque strokes, a local grammarian deftly sliced apart NOT the much-deserved observance of doughnuts, but, rather, this paper’s apparent willy-nilly spelling of the pastry shaped like the baby blue inflatable rubber pillow for hemorrhoid sufferers. Apparently (I didn’t read the original and offending article), we spelt the yummy and eye-opening day-starter as, “doughnut” then, later, damn our myopic media eyes, as, “donut.” Here. Here’s our contrite amends to the issue:
Editor’s note: Our approach on “Donut” vs. “doughnut” is to use the AP style, “doughnut,” unless the spelling, “donut,” is part of a proper noun. We left the capitalized “Donut Day” when used as a proper noun referring to National Donut Day.
I don’t want to get fired (again). But geez. What a cowardly approach. Like our society’s obscene obsession with sexual identity, why can’t the many spellings of “doughnut” be celebrated? Let us take, “Doe Nuts” for example.
If you skateboard over a Doe Nut in the forest, in June, is that a felony? Better? If Donald Trump were to skateboard over a Doe Nut, in the New York City woods, in June, would President Don be guillotined by roving bands of rock-throwing liberals? In comparison with our two-tiered system of justice, if Joe Biden, who is so old he listed, “Pharoah” on his resume, skateboarded over a Doe Nut, in the Delaware forest primeval, would Creepy Joe get a parade with neatly dressed marching bands playing show tunes and a sizeable check from the Chinese Communist Party?
Dear Mr. SCV:
Once again, how dare you. Communism serves a variety of Santa Clarita needs, from freedom to not think about freedom to providing jobs for people like me who are eye-wateringly unemployable, like union reps, socialism teachers, DEI administrators and those talented sweatshop souls who sew the world’s matching avocado green jumpsuits.
Know what else? Donuts are bad for you and we’re going to tax them. That’ll fix your wagon, little mister.
Sincerely,
Commie Bob
President, SCV Communist Chinese/Democratic
Donut-Hating Club
Thank you, Commie Bob. Over the years, I’ve had metaphorical fisticuffs with my dear pal and Signal Editor Tim Whyte over the spelling, and, in fact, very existence, of “numnuts.” Tim feels there should be the consonant “B” floating somewhere within the word. I correctly feel that adding the, “B” makes it pronounceable as, “num-BAH.” Like, “rhumba.” Tim also feels AP style favors “numb nuts” being two words. I immaturely giggle as I type numbnuts as four words — “Nuh-Nuh-Numm-Nutz.” Tim pulls the old, “You’re gonna hurt the feelings of stutterers spelling it like that, and, certainly, speakers of certain dead Hawaiian languages.” Being Hawaii-shamed by a Canadian. What a cheap shot.
As the hard-to-arrest Rodney King once waxed poetic: “Why can’t we all just — get along?” Why can’t we spell doughnuts in the popular street vernacular of three syllables?
You know. “Doe-UGH-nuts?”
Like the 1969 song by Edwin Starr, “WAR!?”
“Doe-UGH-nuts!! UGH! What are they good — FOR? UGH!! Ab-so-LUTE-lee — nothin’!!! Sing it again. Doe-UGH-nuts! UGH! …” yada-etc.
Anyway. Where was I? Oh yes. Rodney King. On this Hot Button Issue that divides our faux riparian valley so, why can’t we each spell “doughnuts” any jolly damn well way we please? I mean, it’s California. The Anything Goes (spelt, “Goze”) State. Democrats are in power. Theft and murder are legal.
Why can’t some people spell the most important of the Five Major Food Groups as — “Dewnuts?”
You know. Like the cartoon Great Dane, Scooby Doo, pronounces — “DEW-nuts? Roe-ohhhhh …?”
Speaking of cartoon pronunciations, there’s Homer Simpson’s, “DOOOWWWHHHH-nuts!” Homer’s accompanying and lascivious daydreaming groan optional. For the hillbillies with the 11-inch foreheads in neighboring Palmdale, there’s —Mountaindewnuts. Personally? I can’t abide by people who drink Mountain Dew. It reeks of cucumber and foot odor.
You can also drop the “H” and have the rare spelling of “Dougnut.” Signal staff are uncomfortable using, “Dougnut,” because there’s the off-chance we might have that one full-page advertiser named “Doug,” and, worse, Doug thinks we’re making fun of his, ahem, “boys,” and, worse still, anorexic Doug (D) owns Newhall Healthy But Not Even Close To Tasty Unsweetened Beet Juice Emporium on Main Street and gets the hysterical shivers just standing near someone who is digesting Mystery Lard, unrefined sugar, factory floor sweepings and the other secret ingredients of Santa Clarita’s nutritional lifeblood. Even more worst? Which rhymes with bratwurst? Health Nut Doug (good band name) feels he’d die of hee-jee-bee-bee COVID if a doughnut-eater even breathed at him.
I think the citizens who write Letters to the Editor can agree. There are many ways to skin a cat (or, catt, with two “T’s” both in Polish and AP style). There are many ways to spell, “doughnut.” In conclusion, as the lovely and talented Crystal Gayle once sang, “donut make my brown eyes — blew …”
And that is my column on “donuts” for today.
Santa Clarita’s John Boston can eat 50 doughnuts in a sitting, 75 if they’re spelt “donut” as they are smaller. Now. Scoot. Go visit Boston’s bookstore at johnbostonbooks.com and buy stuff.
