Brooklyn Friends School takes an uncommon stance on student conflict resolution that challenges conventional methods for addressing harmful behavior. Head of School Crissy Cáceres directly states her position. “Bullying is not a hot topic issue at Brooklyn Friends School,” she shares.
This perspective doesn’t dismiss incidents where students hurt one another, but reframes them within a developmental context. “That is not to diminish that there are incidents where the outside world would describe it as bullying. And we would describe it as children growing,” Cáceres explains.
This distinction reflects Brooklyn Friends School’s commitment to Quaker principles emphasizing peaceful conflict resolution and the belief that each person possesses inherent worth. The institution implements this restorative method at every level, from Early Childhood through Upper School.
Developmental Framework for Understanding Behavior
Cáceres challenges the application of “bullying” terminology to children’s behavior based on neurological development. When parents report their child was bullied, she responds: “That was impossible. In order for bullying to occur, there had to be active intent, there had to be a connection to what you thought you gained from the bullying, there had to be a measure of trying to hide or omit yourself from the impact of that. And their frontal lobes have not fully developed enough for all of those three things to be true. So that is not bullying, that’s mistake making.”
This framework shifts focus from punishment to learning opportunities. The head reminds parents that their own children may someday make similar mistakes and would benefit from the same restorative approach.
Brooklyn Friends School’s position aligns with research on adolescent brain development showing that executive function and impulse control continue developing into the early twenties. The school applies this understanding to create educational responses rather than punitive measures.
Truth-Centered Restoration Process
The school’s approach to addressing harmful behavior centers on establishing truth as the foundation for growth. Cáceres shared an example involving three seventh graders who created coded language for inappropriate words. The students received “a full day of restoration” beginning with an 8:20 AM meeting in her office.
“The first thing is that we cannot have a conversation unless you begin with truth,” Cáceres told the students. “So you have the gift of taking this opportunity to only connect to the truth. And without that, I actually can’t help you and you can’t help yourselves.”
This truth-centered approach yielded immediate honesty from the students. One admitted lying to his father about involvement, while another revealed his father had initially threatened expulsion before learning his own child was involved.
Building Empathy Through Proximity to Humanity
The restoration process emphasizes understanding others’ humanity rather than focusing solely on consequences. When one student’s father softened his position after learning his own child was involved, Cáceres asked why this occurred. A student recognized: “Because his father now had empathy because it was his own child.”
This recognition led to deeper discussion about maintaining connection to others’ humanity. Cáceres explained to the students: “Empathy is more easily created when you have a proximate connection to that person’s humanity. And so when you do these things, you’ve taken yourself further away from the humanity of the person who’s hurt, and we can’t do that at Brooklyn Friends School.”
The conversation challenged students to consider: “How do you make sure that you stay close to that such that that’s the thing that says in you, ‘I shouldn’t be doing this’?”
Community-Based Resolution in Action
Brooklyn Friends School implements restorative practices as standard procedure across all grade levels. A visiting committee observing the school witnessed this approach when a second-grade student engaged in disruptive behavior. Cáceres described their observation: “The teacher brought all of them into a circle and they went into immediate restoration, where the child at the center of this naughtiness had to describe what is it that they just did.”
The other students actively participated by asking questions: “What made you do that right now? What were you thinking about?” They then offered suggestions on “What could you do differently?” The teacher returned to the lesson after this community conversation concluded.
When observers asked if this performance was staged for their benefit, Cáceres responded simply: “Nope.”
Zero “Counseling Out” for Behavioral Issues
Brooklyn Friends School’s commitment to restorative practices extends to enrollment decisions. Cáceres notes that during her tenure, zero students have been asked to leave for behavioral reasons.
“The only times, handful of times where a child cannot be here is because the social emotional nature of their points of anxiety or angst and/or their academic needs supersede what we currently have in our ability to support them,” she explains.
Even in these rare situations, the school maintains partnership with families: “I enter into that with a conversation with the family to say, in good conscience I cannot be responsible to uphold our end of our agreement to you if we say that we can and we don’t.”
The school’s approach explicitly rejects what Cáceres terms “cancel culture.” She explains: “Everything I’ve just said would make the cancel culture an impossibility. The idea is that nobody is cancelable. To say that is to say that your humanity and your life suddenly got snuffed and it went away. No. No. That can never be true.”
