I, JOHN BOSTON, am happier than a puppy with two you-know-whats, to present today’s column. I think it’s important that the citizens of SClarita have a column, lightly laced with humor, satire, local history, philosophy and personal insight, from me, JOHN BOSTON. You know, I’d like to take credit for beginning today’s think piece with my name (JOHN BOSTON), but, truly? I have to credit our City o’ SClarita City Council. They would be:
Mayor BILL “CARMAN” MIRANDA; sub-Mayorette LAURENE “BEST IS” WESTE; councilbabers PATSY AYALA-(LA-LA-LUH-LA-LA-LAH!); person of council, JASON “BUT NO ARGONAUTS” GIBBS; and, last but not least, MARSHA “NO BANANAS*” McLEAN.
(*EDITOR’S NOTE: Without our permission, JOHN BOSTON assigned the nickname of “No Bananas” to Ms. McLean because there’s no known words that rhyme with “Marsha.” Sorry. We were helpless.)
Not being a trend-setter like our City Council, I apologize. I’m a little slow getting up to speed. You see, I just happened to notice that there’s a fairly new plaque on our latest albeit slightly gooey recreation area: Pioneer Oil Refinery Park. It’s in Newhall. The big welcoming sign features, atop and boldly, the names of our five municipal servants. Then, as an afterthought below, is the park’s name.
Those who know me can attest. I’m a big fan of self-promotion. Have I mentioned yet that my long-awaited sequel to the genre-busting, national bestseller “Naked Came The Sasquatch,” entitled, “Naked Came The Novelist,” is up for sale at johnboston-books.com? It’s available for purchase in hardcover, paperback and Kindle? Book sales are just ducky and don’t forget to add your own five stars and rave review? Oh. I haven’t? Well. Remind me.
Anywho. I like what our City Council has done, putting their names ABOVE Refinery Park’s name, as if to insinuate, “Yeah. Cripes, we’re tired. We came out here before sun-up and worked into the wee small hours, personally carving hiking trails, planting astroturf and installing that damn drinking fountain where the water suspiciously tastes like sulfur, aka, The Devil’s Cigar Smoke. Frequently, our shovels would break but we didn’t complain, did we? No. We didn’t. Backs breaking, we just continued moving dirt and fighting off rattlesnakes and gophers with our bare hands. No. No. No need to thank us. Besides holding up the margarita machine with our elbows in the room behind council chambers, it’s what you guys elected us to do.”
I mention all this because apparently, our riparian valley, resplendent in condo monkeys without number, is going to be home to a new, giant, 800-story* regional courthouse.
(EDITOR’S NOTE: We haven’t checked, but there may have been two zeroes added after the 8 …)
What a great opportunity for the SCV’s thriving marble statue building industry! I suspect the names of the local council above the Newhall Oil Refinery Park was just a test run. I’m (that would be me, JOHN BOSTON) betting that there’s already secret plans afoot to have, over the main entrance, a Michelangelo-esque giant marble statue of the five alderfolk. Each would be 10 feet tall. Each would be forever in a heroic pose, possibly holding spears or swords. This is not me being a wag, but, rather, an art critic, they might want to enhance 3-of-the-5 of the upper torso dimensions if the council’s going full bare-breasted. Heck. Naked as a Vegas topless dancer? I know where I’d be planting myself during the rare lunch break* offered by this humble periodical.
(EDITOR’S NOTE: For one thing — oh, cripes. Boston’s … excuse us … BOSTON’S been on a lunch break since 1965, but, why bother and who cares where he eats his truffles and herbal tea?)
I know there have been community complaints about the placement of this SCV version of Dubai’s Burj Khalifa as the world’s tallest building. Critics complain that the proposed location (three left lanes of I-5, both directions, between McBean and Valencia offramps) will cause a traffic nightmare, especially considering they’re going to be holding public executions outdoors. Gosh. Write that one down. Another place in the SCV to enjoy a noon’s sack lunch.
Actually, the naysayers might have a point. Might I suggest the city build the monstrosity in our valley’s tougher and more undesirable neighborhoods like (EDITOR’S NOTE: stricken) and (EDITOR’S NOTE: stricken). It would be a community service in that the heavy criminal element there wouldn’t have far to walk to court.
When Republicans retake Sacramento, I could foresee common sense returning. We could eradicate the annoying and clock-eating procedures, like due process and the providing of counsel. You want counsel? Sound of gavel banging and the judge hoarsely cautioning: “Well. I guess that’ll teach you not to do THAT anymore.” Then, right after booking and before lunch, we take the felons to the top floor and throw them over the side. Anyone who survives the 800-floor plunge probably deserves another chance at rehabilitation. Well? Maybe not. Anyone who lands lightly on the balls of their feet after being pushed off Santa Clarita’s tallest building is probably evil and a repeat offender. For the greater community good, we should burn them at the stake on the roof, THEN throw them over the side. As far as right-wing entertainment goes, sure beats the city’s tinny and off-key Concerts in the Park series.
A final thought on our City Council’s names displayed like a hit Broadway musical, as if they were a COC building named after a fetching former college president?
Perhaps we’re overselling immortality. If you’re as famous and deserving of top billing over our local parklands and buildings, why is there a need to advertise the city of SClarita’s council member’s names?
Instead of the names of Miranda, Weste, Gibbs, Ayala and McLean — why not, in 75-foot solid gold and flashing neon, have the credits boldly imply: “PRESENTED BY — US!”
Nah. Never mind. Keep their names. And, the nude statues …
Look for “Naked Came the Novelist” his long-awaited sequel to “Naked Came the Sasquatch,” coming this month on sale at JohnBoston-Books.com. John Boston, with more than 100 writing awards, is Earth’s most prolific humorist and satirist.
