Joshua Heath: A new GOP member’s perspective

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After two terms as a delegate to the California Democratic Party, two years spent as Democratic Vice Chair for the 38th Assembly District, and five years of working on democratic political campaigns, I’ve decided to make a change.

It’s time to join the GOP.

Why make such a monumental shift, you might ask? Because I’ve suddenly realized the wisdom of the conservative vision.

For instance, they argue that college students contribute nothing to society, other than annoying protests, term papers on frivolous subjects like “A review of Chicana lesbian literature during the reign of King Henry the 8th”, and pointless slang like “woke bae,” “shook” and “lit.”

As a UCLA senior, all I can say is—that’s absolutely the truth. I am an utter waste of space as an individual and really serve no function other than to take oxygen, food, and shelter, that could be better used by the rich. And I am so grateful that Republicans have the courage to state this fact.

Take away my financial aid, I don’t deserve it. Spend the money instead on making the sexual harassment settlements of the 1 percent tax deductible, or on subsidized therapy for Wall Street financiers when they get depressed after crashing the economy again. Those are real conservative policies.

Of course without financial assistance I’ll have to dropout of college, but I’ll survive, all I have to do is pick myself up by my trusty bootstraps. That means working some minimum wage job 40 hours a week, taking one class at a time, and eventually graduating when I’m 35.

Sure by then I’ll be fatter than damn due to depression over my circumstances, and so broken inside my idea of a night out will be going to Vons to look at Shampoo bottles.

But when I finally do get that diploma, I’ll know I did it on my own, and didn’t ask for help from nobody. I wasn’t one of those gross “leeches” who believe in an equitable social contract, in which the old provide for the young in order to facilitate their coming of age. No, not me.

Second, consider the GOP position on climate change—it’s fake news! We don’t have to worry about it, even though 97 percent of the world’s scientists consider it a real phenomenon, caused by humans, that may pose an existential threat to the planet.

Now this is a position I can get behind. The dopey Democrats fight so hard for policies that transition the U.S off of fossil fuels and to green energy. They say it’s necessary for humanity to survive, and will create millions of good jobs in the process.

But really, here’s an important question—does humanity deserve to survive? I mean think about all the terrible things we’ve done: the holocaust, slavery, the Bee Gees. Isn’t it time we start over, go extinct, let evolution take its place, then in eight billion years another species can begin again?

So I’m with the GOP here, too.

Third, those Republicans are just so damn tough, and that’s what we need in this country. Consider the policy proposed by former Rep. Jack Kingston, R-Georgia. He wants to crack down on the federal school nutrition program, and require hungry 8-year-olds to sweep the floors before getting their meals. Because in life, there’s no free lunch!

That thinking, like wow, I can’t even wrap my mind around it it’s so genius. Here’s hoping the Republicans crack down on other government programs. Like maybe before seniors get their medicine, paid for by Medicare, they should do ten jumping jacks and sing a couple Beatles songs?

Not only are Republicans tough, they are amazingly compassionate too. In fact, while the fake news media likes to portray otherwise, the GOP is actually cares more about people than the Democrats do.

I mean think about how conservatives approach the mental health crisis among young people today. Millenials, more than any generation before, are suffering from high rates of anxiety, depression and suicide.

And what is the conservative response to this issue?. They call us snowflakes, wussies, pansies, fruitcakes and betas until they are blue in the face.

Wow, my heart feels full just thinking about it. Thank you Republicans. Instead of taking the time to address the structural problems causing Millenials so much despair, you decide, in a manner only a sociopath can love, to use our human suffering as fuel for your dumb sense of humor.

I just don’t know why I stayed so long with the Democrats. I suppose I just believed in equal opportunity and social justice for a little while. But my God, I’m glad that’s over.

I am now a proud, rock-ribbed, bold Reagan conservative. The GOP—the Grand Old Party of utter nihilism—is my loving home.

(Author’s Note: Just kidding and have a wonderful, lovely 2018).

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