It’s Labor Day weekend. Soon I’ll be in the car, speeding toward the City of Orange for my big alleged family reunion. We’re a large and motley crew, unusual in that everyone adores everyone else. We laugh. Babies are gingerly passed lap to lap, no questions asked. We share insults, beer, fables, puffs off heinous cigars and bites of sandwiches. Usually a no-no for most families, we talk politics.
I wonder. Will K.B.L.G. return?
The Killer Baptist Liberal Guy is not a family member. Nor, I assure you, will he be. Ever. A couple Labor Days ago, this family friend/young entertainment exec got into it with my sister-like substance, Lisa Boston-Hyphenated-Whatzername. Lisa’s conservative. No. That’s not entirely accurate. Lisa’s a hike across Kansas to the right of Ayn Rand and Genghis Khan. Lisa’s a Category 5 stormfront with a 162 IQ. You make a stupid statement and she’ll strip you of your mobile home, corn crop, underwear and self-esteem.
So Lisa and the young, well-off progressive were going at it. Then K.B.L.G. made a statement so pea-brained, Joe Boston’s giant backyard fell as silent as a Hillary Clinton rally. The Democrat impassionedly blurted:
“I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW — THE BAPTISTS HAVE KILLED MORE PEOPLE IN THE LAST 10 YEARS THAN ALL THE FORCES OF ISLAM COMBINED!!!”
This was not a metaphor. Nor a joke. Nor a figure of speech. This Millennial claimed it as, excuse the reference, gospel. “Oh really,” says Lisa. She calls for a repeat. He repeats:
“In the last 10 years, Baptists have killed more people than all the armies of Islam combined!!! It’s true!! Look it up!! And you’re nothing but a racist if you don’t believe me!!!”
Lisa cocked her head and smiled a reptilian smile.
Oh yum. Me and my brother Willie gently clinked glasses. Open the chute and let the rodeo begin.
She placed dainty hand on hip. She stepped an inch from the guy’s nose. Then, Lisa calmly offered her own statement of fact: “You, sir, are a ‘gosh-darn’ moron.”
Only Lisa didn’t use the adjective, “gosh-darn.” She used the 13-letter pejorative starting with a synonym for “Mom” and ending in three letters rhyming with “bing” and this was aimed at someone she had met 10 minutes earlier. There were gasps. Children’s ears were cupped. Several lightly applauded.
This guy pulled down six figures. Ordered employees to crunch numbers and issue reports. His name appeared in Variety. He paid bills, tied shoelaces, aimed food toward his mouth, chewed and swallowed without apparent injury. And yet, passionately, a voting grown man was convinced Baptists were involved in a public terrorist campaign that killed hundreds of thousands.
The left-leaning flank of the clan rushed to his aid. Someone bleated: “C’mon. Can’t we just compromise?”
Someone — it might have been me — asked: “So. What you’re suggesting is we compromise that Baptists, the people who won’t have sex standing up because it might lead to dancing, have murdered — half — as many people as the last decade of Islamic terrorism?”
Even the feeblest of brains can deduce not all Muslims are terrorists. Most good-hearted followers of Allah condemn violence. An Egyptian intellectual years ago sadly noted there isn’t a spot on the globe where Islam isn’t at war with itself and its neighbors. Hundreds of thousands dead (woefully behind the socialists). Not even our liberal friend could recall a single wide-eyed Baptist strapping TNT to his chest, striding into a burgertorium and screaming John 3:16 before turning the place into a golf hazard.
The source of his phantasmagoria?
He just — knew.
No news reports. No secret intel studies to which he was privy. Under light questioning, he had a — “feeling.” As they teach in college, feelings, from certain people, may not be questioned.
I’ve dozens of liberal friends. Many are open, insightful, sprinkled with common sense and have the disarming ability at profound self-introspection over their own foibles.
Except when it comes to politics.
It’s like having a beloved bright child. They bounce home, beaming over a report card of all A’s and one F. Sure. You’re happy and proud for their A’s. But the question naturally arises: “What’s with the ‘F?’ How can you get an ‘A’ in addition, then fail subtraction?”
I hope Lisa’s nemesis makes it to the family reunion tonight, for my own stubborn sake.
Perhaps I do need to compromise with the liberals.
Maybe it wasn’t ISIS nor the Taliban who slaughtered and tortured so many the last decade.
Maybe it was those lousy Lutherans…
Earth’s most prolific humorist, Boston has penned more than 11,000 blogs, columns, essays, books, features and stories. He’s been named both best serious and best humorous columnist in America, is the recipient of The Will Rogers Lifetime Achievement Award and notes no Baptists, wildlife or the planet were harmed, much, in the production of this essay.