As I sit alone in my office, everyone has gone home and I survey the wreckage of the latest Vast Right Wing Conspiracy Clam Bake, Christmas and Hanukkah BashTM, I realize it’s time for the annual year-to-come predictions column. It used to be a resolutions column but I resolved never to do that again.
I used to keep track of the previous year’s predictions and rate myself on how good I did.
Uncle Earl said I always cheated and rationalized why my inaccurate prognostications were correct. Didn’t I predict that I would stop reviewing my previous predictions? Dang, I’m good.
So, without further ado or guilding the lily, my 2019 Predictions:
I predict that there will be a major earthquake in the SoCal area. Unfortunately, we are way overdue for a strong tumbler and I think this is the year. Well, that is what my insurance agent tells me and he just sold me a ton of e-quake insurance. Ouch.
I predict that the Mueller investigation will reveal more shocking crimes by associates of Donald Trump including jaywalking, ripping tags off mattresses, and speeding in school zones. The investigation will shut down promptly when Nancy Pelosi’s name comes up in several emails.
I predict our own Rep.-elect Katie Hill will clean up Washington, change Democratic Party leadership and never accept the status quo. And, speaking of Pelosi, Katie will refuse to deliver Nancy’s nominating speech for speaker. Ooops. Blew that one already….
I predict that civility will return to our own City Council after the raucous meeting two weeks ago where Bob Kellar yelled, “Oh yeah? And so is your mother!” and Marsha McLean responded, “And the same to the horse you rode in on!” Even Steve Petzold was stunned.
I predict that Gary Horton will call me all teary-eyed and blubbering saying, “I have seen the light, Steve! Donald Trump is a man for the ages and I love him! I will never write another column critical of him again!” Or maybe not.
I predict that all Hollywood awards shows will shut down because they cannot find any hosts who have never been sexist, racist, homophobic, classist, or any other -ist you can imagine. Frankly, there was only one perfect person and he ain’t going to host the Oscars.
I predict that the state of California will radically increase taxes to pay for new social welfare programs brought in by our new governor, Gavin Newsome. This will trigger a resurgence in the Republican Party as current independents flock to the GOP banner and borderline Dems realize that socialism’s only promise is higher taxes with no real benefits.
I predict that KHTS and The Mighty Signal will each buy high-powered sports cars to race one another to news events in the SCV. This will culminate in a city-sanctioned drag race down McBean Parkway that will be decided by a photo finish. Cameron Smyth will wave the checkered flag at the finish line wearing nothing but a skimpy speedo.
I predict that the Los Angeles Dodgers will win the World Series. Or break my heart again. Like they’ve done for the past 30 years. Where is Kirk Gibson when you need him? Maybe we will pick up Realmuto from the Marlins or blow the bank on Harper. We can only hope.
I predict that I will start the John Boston Fan Club with the intention to teach Santa Clarita the meaning of the word “satire” because, clearly, there are people out there who don’t get it. Or, maybe I’ll just settle for teaching sarcasm. Oh, like, they’ll understand that either….
I predict that the graft and corruption that is the High Speed Rail Authority will finally be revealed. We will discover that the train line could have been built for about $4 grand and a pack of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. The other billions were wasted in Vegas on hookers and blow.
I predict that millennials will become a powerful force for change and growth as they complete their educational programs, enter the workforce and start paying taxes. That is, if they can stop eating laundry detergent.
From all of us here at the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, have a Happy New Year!
Steve Lunetta (aka, The Near-Perfect Prophesier) is a resident of Santa Clarita and can’t wait for the New Year. He can be reached at [email protected].