John Boston | Universal Free Gun Care for Useless Federal Mall Cops

John Boston

Even when I was a kid in my 20s, I thought there was something screwball about the Left. Later, during my college days, I noticed that liberal activists were void of humor and one inch away from being bomb throwers. They were loud, obnoxious, rude, violent and nuts, sprinkled with a liberal dose of cowardice.

Their personal humdrummia was elevated through battles with imaginary dark gods. From coffee house stools and blankets at concerts, they saw themselves as pretend warriors of a mighty, beret-wearing freedom-fighting army.

They were constantly yangy, often high and certainly paranoid. The Left was always speaking in revered hush tones of “The Man.”

“The Man” was that no-so-mythical creature who ran the unholy cabal of government and big corporation. “The Man” wanted to control what you bought, thought and fought. “‘The Man’ gonna getcha,” as Creedence Clearwater Revival warned through a driving rock-a-billy beat.

Funny thing.

The Left was right. Well. Let’s just say, “on to something.”

A recent Government Accountability Office report noted that the Internal Revenue Service (for those of you with just public high school and college educations, that would be the IRS, which collects federal income taxes) has some interesting brass knuckles in their office supply closets.

Like 5,062,006 rounds of ammunition and 4,487 guns.

That’s not the Marines. That’s not the Coast Guard or FBI. It’s the IRS. That’s the bureaucracy that questions whether your deduction of a $29.74 expense for marital aids is legitimate under Business Entertainment Expense.

And, it is, if you’re in show biz and a donor to the Democratic Party.

Fun with numbers?

You could shoot 16 tax cheats 316,375 times with that amount of firepower.

Now I can see the IRS’ point of view. There are about 122 million taxpayers in the United States. That would mean, with that stockpile of ammo, a staggering 117 million American taxpayers would NOT be shot in 2019!

Well. At least once.


From 2010 to 2017, the 20 agencies in the GAO report spent nearly $40 million in firearms, about a THIRD OF A BILLION DOLLARS in ammunition and about $1.6 BILLION in tactical weapons.

The Left is going to love this.

Besides all its firepower (about 150,000 shotgun shells for 223 shotguns, or 673 shells per gun) the Environmental Protection Agency has, in its equipment shed, four silencers for pistols.


Excuse me? They screw a silencer onto a .38 Special because they don’t want to startle a spotted owl when the EPA rubs out someone for camping out of season?

Solemn Bass Booth Announcer Voice: “When Spotted Owls Are Outlawed, Only Spotted Owls Will Have Guns.”

Why did the Small Business Administration spend tens of thousands on Glocks? What. They didn’t like an applicant’s 10-year business plan on his loan application?

In 1996, the Department of Veteran Affairs had zero (0) armed employees. Zip. Nada. Nary a one. Today, they have a small army of 3,700 officers who carry millions of dollars of weaponry, including AR-15s. Are disabled veterans THAT unruly while they wait in line for months for medical treatment?

I love this part of the GAO report. They can’t inform the public of part of their report because some of the information is “too sensitive” for the public. Uh-huh. Does Housing and Human Services have a secret kennel filled with killer hounds who eat people for overstaying their Section 8 welcome? What else is missing from the report? Napalm? Siege engines?

I don’t hear Niel Young whining, in a hastily created single: “Down by the riv-verrrr. Weights & Measures shot my bay-beeeeeeeeeeeeee…”

I’m guessing Madonna won’t promise to appear nude just because the IRS has absolutely no bookkeeping idea how many guns and how much ammo they own.

Not making that up. The IRS just buys ordnance and forgets about it. Try that scam of, “Geez. I dunno… Wuz I SUPPOSE-TA keep records?” next time you get audited for an in-home office.

Basically, what’s going on is free country club membership, golf balls, clubs and sunscreen for a new American demographic: the Useless Federal Mall Cop. But, instead of golf, it’s free shooting range memberships.

We have to protect the citizenry and federal employees. But arming the U.S. Geological Survey?


The federal Railroad Retirement Board spent $7,000 on ammo. Around 15 cents a bullet, you could shoot each person in both feet in an unruly mob of 28,000 the next time they storm a board meeting (if the RRB still holds board meetings).

There are now more federal armed employees (200,000) than Marines (188,000).

I’d laugh if it weren’t so insane. The Left demands the shredding of the Second Amendment. They dance in Neolithic abandon over declaring some hippy berg a “nuclear-free zone,” safe from atomic missile attack because of a hand-painted sign stapled to their city limits. And yet, not a squeak from the Left over the fact that the Food and Drug Administration has enough firepower to take over all of Manitoba.


It’s about 250,000 square miles. Clear out the Canadians and it’d make a perfect open federal practice firing range for all our needlessly armed federal employees.

John Boston is a local writer, armed with a sardonic smile and bedroom eyes…

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