As part of my many duties as Mr. Santa Clarita Valley, I also have final say on who gets into our Fourth of July Parade. Alas, lately I’ve been remiss in my oversight. But here’s some entries for my next year’s Fourth of July 2020 wish list:
1) FREEDOM TO SLURP ENTRY — A float made completely of plastic straws and powered by six 427 Hemi engines and setting a world record for driving through the route at 74 mph will drag Whittier Democrat Assemblyman Ian Calderon 29 times through the parade. Calderon was the imbecile who introduced the ban on plastic straws in the state, making no dent in environmental responsibility while irritating millions of noble slurping Santa Clarita Valley residents. At the end of the exhibition, Calderon will be lightly salted and fed to cannibals.
2) CHRONIC IRRITANT ENTRY — Local gadfly Lois Eisenberg is chased by motorized squirrels while jogging wildly in place aboard a float made completely of nut shells.
3) STRAIGHT PRIDE PARADE — A parade within a parade, if you will. Thousands of people marching under the banner: “DARN HAPPY TO BE HETEROSEXUAL.” Will be accompanied by armed National Guardsmen to protect them from howling throngs of angry Democrats.
4) KATIE HILL PHANTASMAGORICAL DEMOCRATIC PARTY CLOWN CAR — Local up-for-reelection congresswoman will wave to the SCV masses in a humor float. Agua Dulce Dem will don Western attire, wear a short blonde wig and pretend she’s Republican Laurene Weste. Behind her on the cramped flatbed truck will be liberal pols Maxine Waters, Nancy Pelosi, Ilhan “ISIS Barbie” Omar, Bernie Sanders, Kamala Harris, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Beto O’Rourke, Mayor Pete Buttigieg, Elizabeth Warren, “Spartacus” Corey Booker, visiting alien Marriane Williamson, and, well, just about any Democrat politician who is stone cold looney. Title of Katie’s float? “I’m Not With Them.” Theme music? Heart’s “Crazy On You.”
5) GRAND MARSHAL, WAYNE CRAWFORD — The affable jefe of Santa Clarita Concrete will ride in a brand new cement truck. Unfortunately, it will be driven by a staff of 11 union drivers and after all the coffee breaks, the truck will end up finishing the parade at 3 a.m., July 11, 2024.
6) MARLEE LAUFFER — The pride of Henry “Hold The” Mayo Hospital, the vivacious “Queen of Dry Clean” will be on a float depicting the newest wing of the avant-garde health center. The new $2.1 billion HMNMH Imaging & Laundry Facility will treat patients with a variety of diseases with the controversial technique of simply submerging them in a tub of organic dry cleaning fluid. New hospital motto will be “Healthy, Happy & Wrinkle-Free!”
7) VICKI ENGBRECHT — After losing a bet to this article’s author, vivacious and hubba-hubba Wm. S. Hart High Onionfied School District Superintendent (and Canyon High grad) will ride on the “Hart High Rules, Canyon Drools” float.
8) CHANGO, THE MONKEY BOY — Division Marshall and mayor-elect of Palmdale.
9) SCLARITA CITY PUBLIC INFORMATION OFFICER MARCHING BAND AND CHORUS — Carrie Lujan will lead her staff of 417 as they walk and sing the city’s new fight song: “I Know You Are But What Am I?” It’s also the city’s new official slogan and any municipal worker dealing with the public is now required to answer all questions with this stirring mantra.
10) GRABBOIDS ENTRY — Local developer and perhaps THE most influential person in the history of the SClarita Valley, Randy Wrage (who HATES publicity) has designed a, no pun-intended, groundbreaking machine. Shaped like the giant burrowing worms in the 1990 film horror comedy classic, “Tremors,” Wrage’s float will actually not be seen by people lining the streets. It will follow the route, but dig underground. At the end of the parade, the great gobbler will explode out of the ground and eat local environmentalist, Lynne Plambeck. (This portion of the parade will be replayed, in slow-motion, on The Signal’s website.)
11) COLLEGE OF THE CANYONS — A giant, nine-block-long float shaped like the Sphinx (not to be confused with The Sphincter) will be pulled by 300 sweaty male teens from COC’s prestigious Pool Boy Department. Float will feature lounging leopards, black panthers (the big toothy feline predators, not the long-passé militant activists from South Central Los Angeles) and more pool boys with giant fans made of ostrich wings. COC Empress Dianne Van Heflin Van Morrison Van Gogh Van Hook will ride in a skimpy outfit, throwing textbooks to the peasants. Due to some complicated state education rules, the Fourth of July Parade will now be known as Chancellor Mrs. Van Hook’s Fourth of July Parade. A mandatory two-year agreement to attend COC will be part of the contract for locals to watch next year’s shindig.
12) THE ONE-MILLION HORSE MARCH — Author of this well-researched think piece will bring back the tradition in 2020 and vows to put together 1 million horses and riders, provided they don’t have to ride behind Crawford’s cement truck…
John Boston is a former Fourth of July Parade Grand Marshal, owner of 119 major writing awards and president of The Worthless Sons of the Wealthy Landowners.