Crappies. The fish. Not the bad poopie San Francisco street language. Missed the deadline. Yesterday was my Mighty Newspaper’s Absolute Can’t Write Nothin’ About What Type Of Creature You’d Like To See In Public Office After Oct. 15 Cutoff. For Humanity’s Sake, I hope I’m not too late with my endorsements:
CALIFORNIA PROPOSITION 470B — The Education Matters Initiative. Sponsored by the powerful California Teachers Union, mandates that if any public kindergarten teacher stutters, then all teachers at all grade levels must stutter. Includes college teachers as well (although, who’d notice). Will increase average class attendance by an average of 11 hours daily, which, strangely, many parents kind of like. Measure also cuts teacher in-class time by 1.5 hours daily with yet another braindead education justification: “…guess the kids will just have to behave themselves while they’re alone.” VOTE: (with kissy-face enthusiasm) — “PRESENT!!”
CALIFORNIA PROP. 2 — The Multiple Mask Mandate. Requires citizens (but not illegal immigrants or domestic terrorists) to wear masks covering their mouths, noses, eyeballs, ears, armpits, balls of their feet, belly buttons and naughty parts to help stop the spread of COVID-19. Makes it illegal to eat off plates and requires all meals to be served on surgical masks. Sponsored by Acme Surgical Mask, Condom & Party Favors Co., Stevenson Ranch, CA. VOTE: Why Not. We’ve been pretty darn gullible so far — why change?
CALIFORNIA PROP. 77793B — Must Love Dogs Act. While critics complain this proposition is misleading (it has nothing to do with dogs), 77793B requires mandatory housing of the homeless, the daft, drug addicts, persons on death row from other countries, droolers, mooncalves, drunks and chronic self-abusers in not just hotels, but private citizens’ in-home guest bedrooms. Provides severe penalties for parties declaring that they don’t have guest bedrooms, even if they don’t have guest bedrooms. VOTE: YES. Will get homeless off our streets.
SANTA CLARITA BOND MEASURE HJ17C — Provides $2.3 billion for study and awareness of SCV Hand Jives Matters Project. Bond will include construction of a 23-story Johnny Otis Center in honor of the songwriter/singer who performed the immortal classic single, “Do The Crazy Hand Jive,” aka, “Willie and the Hand Jive,” which reached No. 9 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart in 1958. VOTE: Maybe. This measure will result in yet more useless and bloated bureaucracy, unsustainable government pensions and long wait times in renewing driver’s license (fine print states that after you pass your written and behind-the-wheel test at the DMV, you have to hand jive over to the Johnny Otis Center to take a “hand jive” test, written AND interpretive dance. Despite the obvious pork, voters may want to support this measure so they don’t appear to be racist, despite the fact that Otis was Greek, not African-American.
HENRY “HOLD THE” MAYO NEWHALL MEMORIAL HOSPITAL MEASURE A — Proposed $22 billion bond to build special surgical transplant wing to accommodate Armpits To Sexual Organs transplants. And maybe back again, in case you don’t like how it turns out. VOTE: Yes. (Curious to see if it can be done…)
CALIFORNIA PROP. 272727 — The Nutrition Assistance Program. Critics call this the Chew Your Food For You Act. Dem-sponsored bill provides $1.2 trillion in relief for people who identify as either “Sissies” or “Fatigued Sissies.” Pays applicants (citizenship not required) $1,906 weekly to mope, and, bonus, you don’t even need to mope at home. You can travel. Provides assistance for “Fatigued Sissies” with nutritional assistance by having Masticational Engineers visit tired individuals and help them by manually moving their jaws while they eat government cheese. VOTE: What the hell? We’ve pretty much given up on The Sanity Thing in the Golden State…
CALIFORNIA PROP. 272728 — The Trebuchet Act, aka, Shark Chum Awareness Measure. GOP-sponsored bill calls for construction of several hundred giant catapults along state’s coastline to launch sissies, fatigued sissies and pond scum-sucking attorneys who write these stupid ballot measures. Offending parties will be rolled into ball, tied with rubber bands and catapulted miles out to sea, or, even better, Portland, Oregon. VOTE: Yes. (Better than anything on HBO currently.)
CALIFORNIA PROP. 55 — Gives 5th graders the right to vote. VOTE: Yes.
CALIFORNIA PROP. 56 — Establishes after all these years that, yes, Girls DO Have Cooties. Like, girls are overrun with them. Big fat cooties crawl out of girls’ hair and onto people’s sandwiches and must be stopped at all costs, and, in some extreme cases, with cootie shots. Cost of measure: a quarter. Sponsored by Timmy, 5th grade, Leona Cox Elementary. VOTE: Your conscience. It’s sort of a gender question.
SANTA CLARITA CITY COUNCIL — (vote for 11 only) Seymour Butts (R-Palmdale); Perry O’Donntal; Sarah Tippishly; Cary Okie; Justin Thyme; Austin Tayceous; Stan Stihl; Seymour Butts (D-Palmdale); Al O. Pecia; Barb Wyre; Crystal Methh; Jenny Sequaw; Molly Kule; Kay Bwayno; Hugh Manatee; Miles Long; Curly Quooz; Terry Dactyl; Jen derBender; Jumbo Shrimp; Kay Awdyck and/or our favorite candidate — Oliver Klozehoff.
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA — Me. Why? Because you are all spineless, lack discipline and desperately need direction.
John Boston is a local writer who, in less than a month, just may be your next president so you’d better be nice to him or amen, cripes boy howdy, will you be sorry…