Приветствую вас, дорогие товарищи социализированного города Санта-Кларита.
“Greetings, dear comrades of the Socialist City of Santa Clarita.”
We have won a great and glorious victory over the crushing tyranny of capitalism! The vision of our heroic City Soviet (City Council) has, this week, been unveiled for all to see!
In the presence of dozens of skaters, the old Ice Station, now city-owned “Cube,” opened anew to the public with great fanfare and glorious ribbon cutting. Now with “new paint, new ice, and even an LCD screen out front” (as reported by The Signal), the Cube will serve the skating needs of hundreds, if not thousands and tens of thousands of Socialist City of Santa Clarita skaters.
Purchased at a public cost of $14.45 million, and with additional repair expense beyond, the Cube is deemed essential infrastructure to the well-being of the city’s skating population, represented as being more popular than the PSSCSC’s (People’s Soviet Socialist City of Santa Clarita’s) libraries, community centers and even parks. Well, that last one about the parks might be vastly inflated for the purpose of effective propagandizing of our proletariat…
Joined with the city’s already existent skateboard parks, aquatic centers, senior centers, libraries, paseos, trails, schools, colleges, open spaces, roads and highways, the Cube represents our greatest achievement of communal ownership of local facilities and assets.
Поздравляем народ! Congratulations to the people! Фигуристы, радуйтесь! Ice skaters, rejoice!
And as joyful as we are with our new Cube, other PSSCSC public investments also bore fruit. For as sports-minded ice skaters took to our newly restored ice rink, a hundred liberal foreign movie subversives took to the newly opened Laemmle Theater in Old Town Newhall. Our PSSCSC, you may recall, lured Laemmle to Newhall with millions of public dollars in incentives. Comrade, your rubles and my rubles, have all combined into one great big communal incentive, brought this freshly minted wellspring of liberal pinko foreign films to our valley.
Greg Laemmle said, speaking of the theater’s mission, “Laemmle moviegoers expect to see more of a selection of foreign language films, documentaries and independent films…” Indeed, painted on the outside of the newly constructed building reads the universalists’ creed, “We’re not afraid of subtitles.” Nor am I! Yet I also realize that some are…
Soon, French and German and Spanish and even Iranian movies will invade borders soaked with compassion for our fellow workers of the world. We will be united together in our popcorn and hot dogs and… learning how the rest of the world lives. And this wonderful propaganda has been brought to us through the pooling of our common assets in our People’s Socialist City of Santa Clarita.
Have you noticed how diverse in resources our city actually is? From skating to “liberal” movies, and everywhere in between, our city has nearly something for everyone.
Truly, to live in the SCV is special; it’s one of the nicest, most organized, well-run, rewarding places to live in Southern California. Some call it one of the best cities in the United States. And in this often judged “conservative bastion” – we see that it’s our pooled “communal” resources that have brought so much joy to so many, with so many diverse and different interests. Ice skating and subtitled movies are just the latest rewards of our public investment, but almost everything else we enjoy and take for granted here is, as well.
“It takes a village to raise a child,” Hillary Clinton was once mocked for saying. But she was right, and we see here in the PSSCSC, it takes all our combined money and human effort to build a great city to raise our families and for us to enjoy our lives.
I’m not an ice skater. But I remember so well, enjoying ice skating in my younger days. Many love skating, and it’s great we can provide such a unique venue for those who do skate. I do enjoy art house movies however, and I so much welcome the arrival of Laemmle as well as all the rest of our public improvements in Old Town Newhall. And I do ride bikes and have traversed the hundred miles of trails and paseos our city has collected, built and stitched together.
Perhaps you go to College of the Canyons or our fine local schools. That’s easy to see as communally funded. Maybe you like shopping at our regional mall. Did you know your hard-earned money brought that here, too, with tax incentives provided to mall developers in order to attract their private capital investment?
The PSSCSC has certainly “spread it around a little” as then candidate Barack Obama suggested. And it shows all around us.
With the help and effort of dozens and perhaps hundreds of community-minded leaders, organizers, volunteers, movers, shakers and those of good intent, we’ve pooled our resources to build a fantastic community. We’ve pooled our resources for our common future. And we’ve been wise to appeal to people from all interests, aspects and periods of life.
Да, we’ve built quite a commun-ity together. For all our people.
Отметим наш общий успех ин Народный советский социалистический город Санта-Кларита!
Let’s celebrate our common success in the People’s Soviet Socialist City of Santa Clarita!
Gary Horton’s “Full Speed to Port!” has appeared in The Signal since 2006. The opinions expressed in his column do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Signal or its editorial board.