In the checkered career of alleged Lifeguard Joe Biden, he’s earned kudos for major accomplishments. Hair-sniffer. Pervert. Crook. Bully. Liar. Groper. Plagiarist. Surrender monkey. Dumber than underwear left in a vacant gorilla suit and pongier than a fine decanter of milk left open since 1946.
Recently, the Confused One made a whirlwind tour of the SCV. It lasted an hour. Flailing about with his usual Ape With Hand Stuck In Coconut panache, His Ineptness displayed an energy that could only be described as — Trumpesque.
Leader of the New American Kleptocracy, Creepy Joe and his civilization-destroying suits paid a top-secret working vacation (No. 611) to Santa Clarita, America’s flashpoint for racism, crime, hurt feelings, scenic paseos, a light-to-medium industry base, and, of course, more racism. Here’s a wrap-up on the one-hour visit:
9:01 A.M. — STEVENSON RANCH — Disguised FBI and DOJ staffers granted permission to rob various discount tennis shoe outlets along The Old Road. Left notes scribbled in crayon: “Trump Stole Your Children’s Shoes. Kill Him. Sincerely — NOT the FBI.” Some local random mommy joggers were rounded up and will be presented to the Clintons for human sacrifice at the next Hollywood Democrat fundraiser.
9:03 A.M. — HIGHWAY 126 — Finally, Biden and Bureaucrats Without Borders visited the border. Unfortunately? It was the Los Angeles/Ventura county border, just past Chiquita Landfill. “What’s all this malarkey about a crisis, pony soldier faces!?” yelled an angry president. “Where’s the Haitianites? Except for some CHP speed traps, there’s nothin’ out here!!” The president took a moment to walk his brain cell and wander about the thistle in search of soft-serve ice cream.
9:17 A.M. — HART DISTRICT HQ — Joe presented trustees Dr. Cherise Moore, Not-Doctors Bob Jensen and Jim Webb and DOUBLE-Not-A-Doctor Linda Storli with a huge federal grant. The $94.1 million will be shared with the Santa Clarita Gibbon Conservation Center where the two entities will study how long high school students and monkeys can stand wearing facial masks on their derrieres. Hart and the GCC will also seek avenues to not call gibbons — gibbons…
9:22 A.M. — SAUGUS CAFE — The president’s motorcade stopped at the historic eatery for ice cream and to announce his administration’s controversial Federal It’s Fun To Rename Things! Outreach Program. Biden announced that everyone currently living in Newhall will now be living in Newhallistan. Everyone living in Saugus will now be living in Saugusistan. Both sides will be supplied with $6.7 billion worth of arms for each community, or a total of $13.4 billion. “Then, they’ll fight!” said the president. Several Biden family members brokered a deal with the Taliban to buy the $13.4 billion in weapons “…for just $26.8 billion!” The president apparently was miffed that the Saugus Café did not carry his favorite flavor, prune ‘n’ bran, then left in a huff, vowing to move several thousand 20-something Afghan males with rocket launchers to live in the last three booths of the eatery.
9:31 A.M. — CITY HALL — Biden presented SClarita Mayor Bill Miranda with an elaborate fruit hat, which was later retrieved when a disappointed Biden was informed that the mayor’s first name was “Bill” and not “Carmen.” A tearful chief executive was also peeved when informed he couldn’t sniff Miranda’s hair. On the bright side, Miranda gladfully accepted $9.8 billion in weapons, night-vision goggles and gold toilet seats for his pet project, the top-secret Santa Clarita Human Relations Roundtable. Biden also announced that the official language of Santa Clarita will now be German. Slight awkward moment when Special Climate Envoy John Kerry stepped outside City Hall and started screaming that the Earth was melting. A spokesman, (not necessarily one for the city) responded with: “No, Mr. Horse Face. It just gets hot here in Valencia…”
9:32 A.M. — CITY HALL — Declared entire SCV under Sharia Law.
9:33 A.M. — 31 FLAVORS, LYONS AVENUE — Motorcade swings by ice cream parlor to confiscate inventory under “…federal eminent domain.” Secret Service assured staff the 614 gallons would be “redistributed” to illegal aliens in return for “voter harvesting assistance.”
9:34 A.M. — STILL AT THE ICE CREAM PLACE — So they didn’t have to cross Lyons, Vice President Kamala Harris announced all parks and SCV residences will be confiscated for drug houses. “We just find the modifier, ‘halfway,’ demeaning,” said Harris. She also announced a federal art project for the SCV’s sidewalks and paseos. Artists will construct decorative target circles “…to help the homeless poop with more pride and accuracy…”
9:47 A.M. — SANTA CLARA RIVER PRESS CONFERENCE — White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki and Biden held a brief press conference under the stipulation of no reporters. Biden took no questions, but issued a brief statement, possibly in chimpanzee. One local reporter did yell out a few questions, but each was met by Psaki’s standard reply: “I know you are, but what am I?” The local reporter (Hart High Smoke Signal) seemed to stymy the red-haired maven of the evil dead when they asked if The White House would be providing someone who could translate “Psaki’s male bovine by-product into English” only they didn’t say ‘male bovine by-product…”
9:58 A.M. — CASTAIC — Ribbon-cutting at the new, Federal Hunter Biden Female Minimum-Security Interpretive Dance Center For Unwed Mothers. After asking Mystery Aides first for permission to speak, Biden unveiled “…an exciting new government program called ‘Hunger Games.’” Through “… an exciting new income redistribution system, monies will be funneled back to Democratic strongholds, like teachers’ unions, entertainment, high tech, major professional sports venues, and, of course, Satan.”
“But,” said Biden, smiling widely out of context, “we’ll bring rural kids in from all across America to fight to the death for a chance to win food, unlimited COVID shots and clothing for their communities!”
10:01 A.M. — SCV GOODWILL CAMPAIGN ENDS — The president is whisked away early by Imperial Storm Troopers after some merry prankster in the crowd yelled: “Look out, Mr. President! It’s Corn Pop! He’s right behind you …!”
John Boston is a local writer AND a huge fan of public swimming pool enthusiast, Corn Pop…