We live in mad, whirlwind times, where constant impatience drives us to get things from cheeseburgers to test results faster than the thought of snapping fingers. It’s 2022. Almost. Instant soup and blinking takes too long.
In keeping with this molar-grinding custom of Accelerated Expectations, we proudly present America’s very first journalistic retrospect: Santa Clarita 2022 — The Year in Review. Here now — a look back at 2022’s headlines.
COVID 22: THE FLATULENCE FLU — Controversial Dr. Anthony Fauci was fired today as America’s top health official, immediately springboarding to the powerful City Flatulence Czar. Fauci immediately issued a fatwah, calling upon all SCVians to celebrate New Year’s by 1:45 this afternoon, alone. The Ayatollah Fauci warned that the new, virulent strain of COVID-22, called Low-Flying Ducks Chimney Flue, attacks chimneys and the lower intestinal tract, causing massive release of “tummy swamp gas” and explosions not heard since prehistoric man started eating uncooked meat washed down with stone cups filled with piping-hot pond scum coffee.
Fauci ordered all Santa Clarita residents to stay in their backyards, bend over, face Mecca and get 17 daily injections of the powerful drug A.P.J. (lay term, Anti Prune Juice) then scream: “THANK YOU SIR MAY I HAVE ANOTHER????!!!!!”
After demanding all True Believers don explosive vests and stand next to someone smiling, Fauci the Flatulence Czar then ordered local women to wear giant heinie prayer masks to cover “their offending bottoms” while “possibly easing the spread of disease.” A Federal Aviation Agency spokesman warned SClaritianites about releasing methane into the atmosphere. Toxic gas clouds could be trapped inside clothing, especially in “…soccer mom jeans,” expand and send an offending emanator rocketing madcap toward the ionosphere like the oft-chagrined protagonist in a Wile E. Coyote cartoon.
SCV CONGRESSIONAL REDISTRICTING — Cries of “foul!” arose when the state’s commie so-&-so’s leftist super-majority created a new congressional district. It’s the smallest district in the United States and includes just one condo unit, belonging to former disgraced and only live nude congresswoman, Katie Hill (D). Hill immediately announced funding for a $23.3 billion Nudist Awareness Sanctuary on her balcony.
HOMELESS CRISIS MITIGATED — With the stroke of a pen today, newly appointed Mayor Laurene Weste solved the SCV’s homeless crisis by ordering city officials, Dr. Fauci, and, frankly, everyone, to start referring to the homeless as, “…not homeless.”
HUNGER CRISIS MITIGATED — Not to be outdone, former Mayor Bill “Carmen” Miranda ameliorated the SCV’s hunger crisis with a free barbecue, charbroiling all the animals at Hart Park into a “Hobo Mystery Meatloaf.” Staff also handed out pamphlets with a photo of cult horror actress Bette Davis and her instructions: “Eat. Your damn. Parakeet…”
ANOTHER COC PYRAMID — COC’s “Living Goddess” Van Dianne Van Damme Van Hook announced she will be taking applications for “12,000 writhing shirtless pool boys” to build yet another temple honoring the goddess, Isis Van Hook. Hook’s towel fetcher, Non-Dr. Eric Van Harnish announced, “Tye-Di’s (as he calls her behind her back) new pyramid will help the chancellor become more powerful in battle…”
HONOR RENEGED — State Sen. Scott Wilk was forced to plunge 17 spots after being named The Signal’s Most Influential Person at their annual Top 51 banquet. Gasps from the banquet crowd erupted when Wilk tried, and failed, to get a coffee warm-up, a set-up and “…some lousy ketchup in something larger than this comically minuscule eye wash cup…” Ever the politician, Wilk noted: “I’m still the top vote-getter. Knock the ‘7’ off’17,’ that leaves No. 1!”
NEW CITY BUS LINE ANNOUNCED — The city’s new Flatulence Area Rapid Transit announced they’ll be hiring hundreds of Covid Flatulence Sufferers to eat beans and stick their bare posteriors out the sterns of a new line of buses. The new buses will reportedly get 64 miles per, ahem, “mouse hiccup.” F.A.R.T. sheepishly admitted the buses will eliminate the “alleged ozone layer” by June 2022, but assured residents that the stinky new natural fuel buses will only run through SCV’s poorer neighborhoods.
BOYCOTT OF NEW DELHI — Working closely with members of the SCV Human Rights Roundtable, at least those who haven’t been indicted yet, the Native American-hating William S. Hart Union High School District announced they would no longer be doing business or accepting students from India in that “…that’s where Indians come from.”
MISSING TOUR BUS — A bus carrying 162 angry, shouting members of WOKE GLENDALE was reported missing today. The social justice group from Rep. Adam Schiff’s nearby district was considering moving here. Local authorities assured Schiff, family members and the SCV Democratic Club that a “… thorough albeit unenthusiastic search for the missing progressives would begin maybe by beet planting season — late April” for the missing crybaby pains-in-the-butt.
LOCAL CLUB MEETS — The newly formed Signal Letters to the Editor Respondents’ Club starts today, meeting online, daily, every 45 seconds. Today’s first meeting topics: “Is Writing — ‘I’m Rubber, You’re Glue…’ Racist?” and “How Do You Spell ‘I Know You Are But What Am I?’”
NEW SCHOOL OPENS — George Soros High School opened today. Because of COVID protocols, no one showed up. Feeling attendance is “so yesterday,” the woke Hart trustees decided to spend the money for more useless administration positions and CRT. The district built the Soros campus on a site just 30.48 centimeters by 30.48 centimeters, rightly figuring that parents were too dumb or disinterested to figure that works out to 1 square foot. “On the off chance a few kids do return to school, let them stand on their toes,” said a Hart trustee, pausing to yawn and tousle their powdered wig.
Another year tomorrow and John Boston is still Earth’s most prolific satirist.