Sit. That’s all you have to do right now. Sit. Take a deep breath. Be calm. Oh-so calm. Feel the soothing and reassuring rhythm of our voice? Your voice. OUR — collective voice? Feeling better? Good. Yes. Relax. Your eyes. They’re getting heavier and heavier, aren’t they? Don’t be afraid. Close your eyes. You’re safe. Come. Come to us — your NEW Democrat Party. We’ve so many challenges before November, you and I. But, not now. Now? Relax. Trust us. Your eyes, so heavy now, dear lovely?
Let’s not be distracted by negative suggestions or bringing up the past. Let’s not be led astray by rumors of failure. Angry, bad people will try to mislead you. They’ll call Our Dear Leader clever, mean names. “Free Speech?” No. It’s hate speech. We must find the haters. They’re everywhere. We must crush them. Cancel them.
Our Dear Leader Joe was the mastermind behind the 2021 heroic and most successful military operation in world history — the 2021 Afghanistan withdrawal. Haters will lie, painting the withdrawal as an Atomic Cluster Affection Circle. Some $85 billion in military materials, bow-wrapped and handed to international terrorist groups.
Some 70,000 Afghans right now being secretly dumped throughout America and the whole clandestine operation costing hundreds of millions, if not more. The ones left behind? The Haters don’t want you to remember that Afghanistan was actually safer and more under control than most Democratic-run American cities. They want to link Joe’s beautiful legacy to an ongoing crisis of rape, murder, torture and child abuse.
Dear friend. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Relax. Listen to an Eminem CD. Watch the soothing face of Tom Hanks or an oh-so-funny and nice George Clooney movie. Watch the upcoming Academy Awards and know this — Afghanistan Never Happened.
Repeat this if it calms you: Afghanistan Never Happened.
But, if it did, it was Donald Trump’s fault.
People will lie to you. Gasoline prices? Never been lower. Empty grocery store shelves? Stocked to the brim! COVID? Don’t you worry. There’s an election coming up. We’ve cured it! Granted. Post-November? We’ll reinstate even more draconian measures. But, we’re only doing it for The Public Good!
A few of our Democratic Party leaders may have jumped the gun, saying it’s better for schools to control your children. Not you. The parent. Life’s so hard. So complicated. Honestly? Complaining about gay pornography in preschool? Now THIS is why we’re taking your kids from you. Prude.
Doesn’t it stand to reason that a village of professionals knows better than you? How heavy is the weight, to teach a child? To teach them that some children are naturally victims and some are naturally bullies and that skin pigmentation completely defines who you are, which kids are then bad and which kids are good and some children need to be constantly shamed and reprimanded to forever apologize?
C’mon. You don’t want to be a racist, do you? And when you really come to think about it, even mentioning something like inflation, math, poetry, literature, economics, your unfair selfishness of having a job, buying a car part or bagel — don’t you realize?
Is that who you want to be? A racist?
Be aware of right-wing haters. They’ll smugly comment that Democrats love humanity but hate humans.
It’s nice to see you with your eyes so closed. Your aura right now is so peaceful. You have a nice smile with your eyes shut. Has anyone told you that before?
There’s issues coming in 2022. Homeless people have a right to be homeless. They have a right to camp wherever they jolly well like. It may seem like you have some fundamental right to have your own home, with doors and backyards. But your belief? It’s so hurtful, so mean, so filled with hatred. Shame on you for not opening your spare bedroom to the homeless.
You know what else is hateful?
How’d you like to be called a — “criminal?” Don’t you see? Words hurt. Just because someone has an aversion to work, it doesn’t mean they’re bad. Haven’t you ever wanted something? Stealing? It’s just a point of view. Shoplifting. Assault. Vandalism. Taking over parks, neighborhoods, public and private settings. Stabbing and murdering. This is just a mirroring of your smug superiority and racist viewpoint.
Shhhhh. There-there now. Don’t wake up. You’re safe with us. It’s safe to keep your eyes closed. The people with the lighter skin? Some might ask: “But isn’t pointing out that some people are just too plain stupid to get an ID, learn geometry, literature, act, paint, make a debilitatingly delicious pizza — condescending?”
No. To say that, to even think that — would be racist.
To even consider that it’s a beautiful day, that the people who share your work, your neighborhood, sidewalks and roadways, who are even your new friends or friends of decades — it’s racist. Enjoying a good laugh together? Music? Family stories? It’s not real. There is something constantly bubbling beneath the surface, something evil, hate-filled, terrible and only white.
Alas and don’t worry. You can’t see it.
So close your eyes. They’re useless. Wrong. Filled with facts and experience. The Republican Haters in November 2022 will try to convince you that the great issues facing us are out-of-control bureaucracies, bloated, petty government tyrants and staff, wanton crime, a disintegration of civilization and values and the basic inability to take care of everything from roads to fighting fires are the issues facing us. They’ll lie. They’ll try to convince you something fundamentally vulgar, evil and corrupt crawls among us, tearing apart culture and country. The nerve. They’ll make cases that we need to come together, that we’re connected by the same Divine Twinkle.
Brotherhood of Man? Don’t you listen to that crap. Don’t reason. Don’t look about. Don’t use the mind God gave you to figure things out. The only issue in 2022 — or forever?
Close your eyes. Vote Democrat.
John Boston is the most prolific satirist in Earth’s history. Visit his bookstore at johnbostonbooks.com.