As radical Democratic Party operatives gain more control over the country, the effects are being felt all across America, especially in our armed forces. This week, a new MAC Store opened at SClarita City Hall. The Military Awareness Center’s mission? To forge a new breed of soldier for the Woke 21st Century. Complete with an angry albeit sulking person of indeterminate plumbing, spiked hair, bong pipe and purple cape, here’s a copy of our armed forces’ recruitment poster right outside the front door:
HELP WANTED: We were just about to type in “United States Military” but felt both “United States” and “Military” were off-putting and vulgarly colonialist. So. We’re doing away with all those testosterone-laden names like “Army,” “Navy,” “Marines” and most certainly “Air Force” because just saying “Air Force” sounds, well — forceful. You know. Pushy?
Through polling at the Vermont Arts Institute Philosophy Department, we’ve decided to refer to our defense institutions as The People’s Patrol. No “soldiering” mind you. We’re reidentifying the Defense Department’s Mission Statement to reflect a more loosely conjoined and certainly non-aggressive version of the organization formerly known as the “Military.”
We’re hiring Patrollers and we’re paying top-dollar.
Our focus is kind of nihilist, which is reflected in our new motto: “An Army of No One.” While we STILL intend to blow things up, we’re going to move the focus away from blowing up other people and targets and focus more, well — entirely — within our own borders. You know. Statues. Car plants. Nursery schools. Our parents’ homes. Dairy farms. Republicans.
We need people who can be trusted. In fact, part of our new training regimen will be to have recruits watch Al Pacino in the 1983 crime movie, “Scarface.”
But, instead of the enlisteds yelling: “Say hello to my little friend,” in a comic Cuban accent, they won’t be referring to machine guns but rather, literally, little friends. Part of our redesign of the military is to make sure it’s comprised of 78% “Little People.”
In this new imagined military, we’ll be looking for men who can have babies and women who won’t. Look for a big emphasis on not just marching, but salsa mincing, and everyone can pick out their own uniform. Well. Ha-ha. If everyone picks out their own costumes, that won’t exactly be “uniform,” will it?
Male Patrollers will be made to drink tomato juice gone bad so they get cramps and can identify what it’s like to march when it’s T.U.T.O.T.M. (That Unmentionable Time Of The Month).
Rather than shooting, strangling, grenade-throwing, punching, tank and attack helicopter piloting, the Patroller in America’s New Defense Forces will be trained more in the exciting field of Verbal Conflict Resolution. America’s new soldier will be trained to gently place their hands on a combatant’s shoulders, look deeply into their eyes and issue non-threatening statements like: “How does that make you — feel?” and “C’mon. Use your words…”
Phrases like, “I know you are but what am I” and “INCOMING!!!!” will be gradually outlawed, not only in the military but American society as a whole. Also eliminated will be dog tags, as identifications are racist. Ditto with ranks and The Officers’ Mess where they eat filet mignon, lobster and Champagne. For breakfast.
Duties will include helping the FBI uncover parents who speak up at PTA meetings and, of course, the obligatory, torch-carrying hunts for imaginary roving bands of white supremacists. As a signing bonus, the U.S. government will give each recruit a $350,000 college loan, which can be immediately forgiven and can be used to buy a car, beer, vacation expenses and some drugs.
We’re serious about this New Army. We’re eliminating long, pointless 20-mile forced runs and replacing them with Group Discussions on such exciting topics as: “Why Other Armies Hate Us,” “Creative Deflection of Opposing Military Criticism” and “Why ‘Who-Yah’ is Racist.”
We’re recruiting in Unrepresented Communities. Like West Ranch.
We’re also in dire need of sexually ambivalent people who identify as enthusiastic Lutheran housewives, 12- to 14-year-old skating-boarding boys who congregate outside 7-Elevens and the homeless loud-mouthed elderly mentally disabled who identify as colanders to serve as drill instructors.
Like they’ve never heard that one before.
Because this New American Military is on the honor system, Patrollers will be encouraged to join in impromptu, tedious, lengthy and pointless conversations without an ounce of self-reflection on Victimhood. There will also be language classes on how to say: “Here. I’ll trade you my gun for a flower,” and “What’s mine is yours. I come in peace,” and “Please don’t kick me in the little guys. It hurts.”
There is no set salary or term of service. Enrollees may just fill in the amount they think is fair that they want to be paid.
This is, of course, a Work From Your Parents’ Basement position.
If your parents do not have a basement, one will be provided for them.
By the Democratic Party…
Besides being Earth’s most prolific satirist, John Boston holds the rank of Field Marshall & Mufti in the new, American People’s Patrol. Visit http://johnbostonbooks.com/, buy stuff and leave 5-stars. It’s not like stars cost anything…