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John Boston | Drop-Off Locations Announced for SCV Stoves and Heaters

John Boston
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In a move to make the government-ordered transition from gas stoves and heating to solar, the state of California’s newly formed M.U.M. Commission (Make Us Miserable) announced they’ll be hosting mandatory Thursday collection drives, at various Santa Clarita Valley locations. 

Santa Clarita was chosen as the state’s first test community, “in that you guys are famous for being, ahem — limp-wristed,” said M.U.M. spokesperson Sarah Tippishly at a hastily called press conference at the daily Valley Industry Association luncheon. “We’re terribly excited about this,” said Tippishly. “While this does nothing to affect climate change and racism, it will, on paper at least, mitigate local temperatures to 63F at night and 64.3F daytime. Individuals resisting mandated norms will be fined heftily, beaten with sticks about the buttocks, given melvins then sent to state-run Woke Atonement Cultural Kindliness Yurts.” (W.A.C.K.Y.s) 

Dear Mr. SCV: 

What’s a “melvin?” And guess what? I’m carrying a baby in my pouch!! 

Best, 

Diega Verga 

President, SCV Identify As A Marsupial Club 

Well, Diega, you little annoying kangaroo Signal LTE typist: From the government-funded M.U.M. website, www.governmentmelvin.org, a “melvin” is the act of reaching into someone’s pants (from behind) and pulling their underwear so far up into the ionosphere their screams reach the humanly unattainable high castrato B-ruptured flat, which is also impossible on a tuba. Even dogs can’t hear it. 

Removing the SCV’s reliance on natural gas comes with problems. Longtime Friendly Valley residents are wished good luck figuring how to disconnect their antique gas-powered VCRs still in use at the tony retirement villa. Individuals are urged to use flashlights as opposed to matches or oily-rag lit torches to illuminate dark areas behind appliances where natural gas or giant old people-eating cockroaches may be lurking. 

SClarita California Gas Co., a co-sponsor, announced they would be offering a limited supply of corks to shove in open live gas lines. In a usual plan-ahead Smooth Move Ex-Lax Thinking, SclaritaCal Gas announced they will turn off the gas to all SCV buildings AFTER everyone has removed their stoves, gas-powered VCRs and heating units, “…so make sure to stick those corks in the pipes and flex lines SECURELY,” said spokesman Cameron Smyth (but not that Cameron Smyth), who commented only after assurances of anonymity.  

SClaritaCal Gas urged people who are unable to acquire corks to “use those annoying and useless little COVID paper face masks to wrap around leaking gas lines. And, around their butts…” 

A higher-up spokesman (from a different utility) later apologized for the “around their butts” line, noting, “Sure. It was kind of funny, but juvenile…” 

Another spokesperson, even higher up than the previous and from a teachers’ union, said they were “working tirelessly to try to link the comment to something racist…” 

Tippishly passionately denied that Hunter Biden has already struck a deal to sell all our SCV stoves and heaters to China, Russia and pretty much every one of our pond-scum-sucking sworn enemies. 

“And, even if Hunter did, M.U.M. has received assurances from our lying sworn enemies that they will never — EVER — hook up our former stoves and heaters to the natural gas that the Biden Administration has been selling to them the past two years for a song and a dance and will just use the stoves as Hunter’s kitchen art.” 

The Saugus Cafe announced they would be fighting the ban on serving hot foods by creating exciting new menu items, like “raw eggs and Tabasco.” And “bacon tartare.” 

To blunt the pain of living in freezing houses and eating uncooked food, SClaritaCal Gas and M.U.M. announced they would use existing storage fields and pipelines currently filled with natural gas and replace them to hold nitrous oxide (N2O). Or, as local lay-dentists call it, “Laughing Gas.” 

“We hope opening your unexpected $12,000.62 monthly bill from the gas company will be a much more pleasurable experience when you’re laughing hysterically,” said SClarita Gas’ Cam Smyth, in a suspiciously high Minnie Mouse voice after sniffing something from a small cannister, possibly Freon, then boyishly giggling.  

“As you notice from our website,” said Tippishly, “which may or may not have crashed, it’s also now illegal to own or drive a truck, SUV or anything with a steering wheel, tires, bicycle horn or heated seats, unless, of course, re: the latter, we’re talking state-sponsored strip clubs.” 

In a carefully crafted word salad that would make White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre weep with pride, Tippishly announced, “As we’ve said before and everyone knows, individuals are furthermore expected to carry their old stoves and water heaters on their backs to the SCV reclamation centers. The state of California and the Democratic Party will help by providing ‘route encouragers’ to whip the lame, the injured and the elderly, especially during uphill routes.” 

There will be a 2% state income tax rebate to help offset the 68% state income tax fine for having a gas — “anything” — including digestive tract, retroactive to the Treaty of Hidalgo. Recently, the Soledad Canyon Dog Racing Track was forced to close when it was discovered all the automated rabbits were powered by natural gas. Weinerschnitzel in Canyon Country? Closed. Don’t ask why. 

Outlawing gas appliances? It’s just the beginning, according to the California State Department of Make Us Miserable. 

“The average state resident exhales between 12 to 20 times a minute, more if you’re an oxygen-swilling punk kid,” said Tippishly. “We’re partnering with AYSO to make sure children compete in soccer matches by walking and curbing the rare excited outburst.” 

The Misery official hinted at legislation combatting climate change by limiting bowel movements in California to one every 17 days. “Best you make it a good one,” said Tippisly, standing at the VIA podium while nervously shifting her weight from foot to foot. 

And, of course, SClaritaCal Gas indicated they’ll be offering a limited supply of corks. “Obviously — DO — keep track of which one goes where,” warned the gas company’s Smyth… 

The most prolific satirist in world history, John Boston lives in Santa Clarita. Visit his bookstore at johnbostonbooks.com.

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