DEAR COUNCILMAN CAMERON SMYTH:
Taking digits to keyboard this fine Friday morn to actively cheer your heroic resolution to fund separate city restrooms for C.E.D. sufferers. You know. C.E.D.? Cauliflower Ear Disorder? Billions suffer in silence. Billions more who identify as having C.E.D. suffer even more, albeit not so quietly.
Thank you for making May “C.E.D. Sufferers Month” in Santa Clarita, and, separately, making next Monday the start of “SCV Sexual Safe Word (Make It One Syllable, Dummy!!!) Week.” May this spirit of both excessive gout-ridden government worker paid holidays spill over to outlying areas, like Castaic, Acton and East Santa Clarita, which the pantsless natives there like to call, “Palmdale.”
Conservative American values have been bending over backwards to accommodate alternative and wackadoodle lifestyles. Springing daily from Closet America are new goofball mental maladies, from kleptomania to identifying as happy meatloaf in ballet shoes. What was yesterday’s straitjacket behavior today is cheered as heroism. Smell other people’s gym socks and you’re rewarded with your own tear-filled ESPN banquet and your sock-smelling likeness spread on the last few dozen existing Bud Lite beer cans.
Cauliflower Ears is (are?) no laughing matter. In Googling your own council portrait, I couldn’t help but notice that you, too, Cam, suffer from C.E.D. Or maybe it’s Pre-C.E.D. That’s when a celebrity or politician stares at themselves for hours in the bathroom mirror, wondering why their ears no longer look like pouty actress Megan Fox’s fetching little antenna stations and resemble America’s hated, tasteless and poisonous albino vegetable.
Hock. Spit. Ptooey.
Normally, C.E.D. sufferers are ’rasslers, boxers, substitute teachers or mixed martial arts fighters. But, recent studies show that “normal” people can contract this highly contagious disease. (New city/county edict? Mandatory ear masks? Or muffs?)
On doctor’s orders, I’ve never attended a City Council meeting. But, I heard it on good authority (your fellow counciltart, Marsha “Mallow” McLean) that you developed pre-cauliflower ears after retired mayor and crimefighter Bob Kellar got you into one too many playful headlocks and administered unasked-for “noogies.”
(Kudos, also, to Ms. Mallow for designing those cool “Santa Clarita is a Noogie-Free City!” T-shirts!! Just $79.95, plus shipping and handling).
One of the symptoms is that C.E.D. patients cannot wear sunglasses. (No ears or ears are conjoined atop the head.) C.E.D. sufferers also have anxiety using public restrooms where the systemically callous offer damning stares while the C.E.D. victim is “doing Nature’s business…” or, as we say in the South, “…bidneth.”
I salute your fellow councilbabe, Laurene “Go” Weste “Young Man,” for adding the politically correct amendment to your legislation. Laurene opines that we need to label, as a hate crime, anyone laughing at someone’s hearing appendage that is bent at an 87-degree angle (making their reading glasses ride askew) or comment that, “Your ears look like a miniature dried apricot, ha ha ha ha ha.” Of course, who, in their right mind, would bring that up in a giggly, sing-song fashion to a 400-pound chiseled cage wrestler or disinterested substitute teacher?
Your ears disserve a statue, Mr. Cameron “Diaz” Smyth. May taxpaying, God-fearing riotous MAGA supporters never throw non-latex paint on it.
Some of your more vocal and uneducated critics have complained. They ask why having Cauliflower Ears calls for costly expenditures in creating a massive infrastructure of separate
restrooms (currently, Men, Women, Gay, Lesbian, Non-Gender, Non-Gendered Lispers, Lutheran, Insufferable Gen Z AYSO Parents) for those who carry around on the sides of their little pumpkin heads ears that look like albino raisins.
While many snidely note that your top campaign donor is The Santa Clarita Valley Acme Public Bathroom Builders Association, Randy Wrage, president, I feel corruption charges are invalid, impeachment premature. To suggest wrongdoing is “Racist.” Or, as it says on TSCAPBBA.com website, “Earist” and “Earophobic.” Furthermore, I see no connection to Councilman Bill “Carmen” Miranda’s six-figure campaign donations from TSCAPBBA and his recent municipal legislation. Miranda calls for making it mandatory that all local car washes install OSHA-approved industrial, high-powered, and coin-operated ear-cleaning stations. I’d like to point out that, to date, no one has ever been killed by a giant, high-velocity spinning Q-Tip, except for the city manager, who recently changed his name from “Ken Striplin” to “Ken ‘Sheepish Grin’ Stripteaseland” and that fatality was downgraded to a “Just Missed It By THAT Much…”
Just for the record, Mayor Jason “Without The Argonauts” Gibbs was the only dissenting vote against separate public restrooms for people with Cauliflower Ears and the car washes with the public giant spinning Q-Tips. Granted. Perhaps this is why Gibbs voted “no” on renaming that part of the California Aqueduct just north of here and outside of our legal boundaries to “The Ear-rie Canal.” Clearly, Mr. Gibbs is an ear-hater and enemy of the already existing Federal Feral Androgynous Ear Act.
It’s science. Ears, like the woman’s breast, should be allowed to run free and unfettered like playful whales in summer’s warm sea breeze. Actually, while we’re at it, both of them.
So, in conclusion Mr. Smyth, while I salute you, your C.E.D. Act does not go far enough. Add an amendment. Tax it. Protect those with Cauliflower Ears AND whose heads happen to be shaped like Soft-Dimpled Heinies.
(Great girls’ garage rock band name!)
We can call it, The Cameron Smyth City of Santa Clarita Cauliflower Ear & Butthead Protection Act.
I look forward to having the Cauliflower Ear proudly replacing that vanilla-esque oak tree (which you drew in fourth grade) for our city’s logo, and, soon after, The Butthead appearing on any local coinage when we get around to issuing it. I’ve many local nominations for SCV’s first-ever 4-cent piece.
John Boston is a leader, community organizer and activist in local Cauliflower Ear Rights and world history’s most prolific satirist. Do visit his bookstore at johnbostonbooks.com, where, curiously, there isn’t a single book on Cauliflower Ears to be found…