John Boston | Replace Cinema to Halitosis Hart Trustees Blvd.

John Boston

Dear Esteemed Mayor-for-Life Jason “No Argonauts” Gibbs: 

Taking digits to keyboard, I bring attention to a problem most dangerous, pressing and odious to everyone inside the metaphorical walls of el Ciudad de Santa Clarita, aka, Beigeville. The out-of-town gawkers and potential home buyers? Me and your fellow council member, Cameron Smyth, don’t give a swollen patootie about their well-being. As we always say: “Shop Local. Gawk Local.” 

We are in the midst of a crisis far worse than Democrats walking amongst us or Kohl’s offering a baby clothing line solely for the Conflicted Young Amish. (Good band name.) I was driving through Awesome Town (pronounced, “Awwwsumton,” preferred pronoun, “there”) when I noticed the street sign for “Cinema Drive.” Mayor No Argonauts? There IS no cinema on Cinema Drive. I know. I’ve looked. There’s a series of high-carb eateries and Richard Green’s Very Own Nursery (255-8838 for all your Air Fern Needs) on the corner of Cinema and Bouquet. But how long can you sit on your haunches in the gravel (lyrics from a ribald Mel Tillis Country/Western song), watching air ferns identifying as real plants and pretending they can have baby air ferns and call that entertainment? 

Trust me. There’s no plot line to air ferns. No cleavage. No fistfights ala John Wick No. 11. No snack bar. No trenchant dialogue, like, “Take me, you beast!” or “Reach for the sky, Doctor Evil Air Fern, or I’ll clip you and sell the cuttings to that barbecue place across the street where it will pass as salad …” 

I went to high school (Hart, I’m an Indian) with a girl named Fern. I can’t say what she did in the privacy of the girls’ locker room, which was off-limits to teenage boys, hunchbacks and the slurpingly perverted back in my day. Point being, you wouldn’t call Fern, athletic. Ergo, there’s little chance Nike would name a tennis shoe after her. 

You know. Air Ferns? 

Anyway. Back to topic, Alcalde Jason (pronounced en español, “¡hay-SONE!”) 

How, in this humdrummia Taco Bell-ish looking community can you call a street, “Cinema Drive,” when there’s not even a Blockbuster Video to be found? I’ve seen, on city maps, that we have a “Via Mal Aliento de Gorila.” (Hungarian, I believe, for “Avenue of Bad Gorilla Breath”) next to Whole Foods (not an advertiser). Former Newhall Land mucky-muck Tom Lee, after six peach margaritas and some giggling, named it. It’s not like there are simians walking around the chango part of town, awkwardly pushing baby monkey carriages and wearing lipstick. 

And culottes. And, I’d hope, at least a tube top. Topless apes? Big turn-off. But who knows? Maybe in our pre-Tataviam days, apes, giant, club-wielding and underwearless apes, ruled the Santa Clarita. No reference nor offense to today’s sitting crackerjack City Council intended. 

Want some cool Santa Clarita trivia? 

A former fellow mayor of yours, Jill Klajic, lived on Via Bad Breath Gorilla (band name!) years ago. 

Tragic. Made all the L.A. newspapers although I think we missed the scoop here at The Mighty Signal, back when Tim Whyte was editor. Rumor was, the left-leaning Jill’s own pet monkeys turned on her. Ate her alive, while she was planning her dream organization, ANTIFA, in her bumpus room, although it was called UNCLE-FA then because of Jill’s M.T.I. condition (Man Thing Issue). Absolutely grisly. 

Hmmm. Perhaps we could call our next newest street, “Absolutely Grizzly Place.” With a name like that, we should probably have the street in a Section 8 Neighborhood. It reminds the residents on Ab/Grz/Pl that, c’mon, perhaps they should try harder. Or, put the new street on the eastern slope of the SCV, with the gaudy Vegas billboard: “Gateway To Stevenson Ranch.” That’d show the cursed elitists. 

Perhaps the easiest and most fiscally responsible approach is to tastefully spray paint, in white, the word, “NO” on “Cinema Drive.” Another solution? I have friends, Tony and Reena Newhall, who own a costume shop (A Chorus Line, 253-0300) there. The city could change the name to, “Scary Creepy Not Just For Halloween And the ‘Overly Priced Is Just A Nasty Rumor Started By Target’ Costume Shop Avenue.” I’d suggest, “Newhall Avenue,” but that’s already taken although “Tony” is available, plus, it’s a double entendre. 

Another idea? Rename “Cinema” to “Rue de Generic and Unimaginative Countless Big Giant Eyesore Faded Brown Medical Buildings.” Or, change “Cinema” to “Via Diarrhea Brown.” Succinct. Descriptive. Although we might be wading into murky copyright infringement lawsuit rash-causing waters like you’re presently involved with for redistricting in that I believe “Diarrhea Brown” was one of those exploitation/karate movies from the 1970s. 

We could just continue this city theme of naming streets after the imaginary. For example: “Non-Jiffy Lube Way.” Or, “No Dairy Queen Here Expressway.” Or, “Former Ranch Road,” which lives up to the high standards of community self-delusion. Then there’s “Buy Meth Here After Sunset Boulevard.”  

I kind of like, “State Pokey Drive.” It insinuates either that there are drug-hazed, cellulite-rich prostitutes to be found, awkwardly balancing on 42-inch cork platform heels after dark or there’s a state prison next to an international food outlet that serves missing house cats. Unless we’re talking about our own essential human angst we all forever carry, there aren’t any state prisons currently atop, or, below, Cinema Drive. Wouldn’t it be completely cool to rename Cinema — “Ancient Secret Unmarked Convict Graveyard Avenue?” Downside? The sign would need hinges and all our loaner, spoiled rich kids from CalArts would be digging up the road, looking for corpses for their unholy art projects and fraternity pledgings.  

Alcalde Gibbscita? Muster the political courage. Change Cinema Drive before someone gets hurt. 

I know what I’d do if I were mayor. I’d get back at those four woke PC trustee/putzes at the William S. Hart Union High School District and rename that stretch of road, “Forever Avenida Hart High Indians …” 

In blinking neon … 

John Boston has field offices locally on “Avenida Pantalones de la Senora Chango” in Valencia and “Via Chuy” in Canyon Country. No mayors were harmed in the production of this think piece …

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