John Boston | A Handy GOP Holiday Talking Points Guide

John Boston

Recently, our organized crime-figure president, Joe Biden, released a series of bulleted talking points to make Thanksgiving family get-togethers even more hellish. The comedy troupe formerly known as the Democratic Party issued a list cleverly titled: “Your Handy Guide for Responding to Crazy MAGA Nonsense this Thanksgiving.” Bright side? It wasn’t in Chinese. 

Families used to be able to bow their heads to bless the gravy (which my family views as a beverage). Now, liberals work mightily to suck whatever joy is left over Thanksgiving and the other inferior religious and secular observations with conversation starters like, “Hamas’ baby victims were asking for it by dressing that way …” 

Democrats have spent the past three years destroying society, the economy, world peace, the family, hot rods and motherhood. The Dem pamphlet notes espouse that liberals should openly confront anyone who rightly notes the American Collective Butt is on fire and the answer is shoving more kindling and gasoline down your underwear. The Democrats feel that despite what your lying eyes and stern voice from your credit card providers tell you, life is rosy. Food’s down. Wages up. Gasoline’s being given away. Everyone has a job. No wars. Border’s secure. The liberals’ go-to intellectual argument to everything? “Look over there! TRUMP!” 

As a public service, humbly, I submit a counterpoint of “20 Talking Points Sane People Can Offer Liberals Over The Holiday Dinner Table” — 

1.) “No. You may not have seconds. Or firsts. We donated your portion to an illegal alien/homeless encampment the size of Glendale living under the freeway overpass.” 

2.) “Hey. Lenin. Open your mouth one more time about how misunderstood Hamas is and we’ll tilt your chair back, waterboard you with Mogen David Blackberry Wine and sing “Hava Nagila” while dancing merrily around you.” 

3.) “Beg pardon? Turkeys offend you? Well then. Try this offense on for size — Your mother owns no shoes and has thick and unsightly foot hair.” 

4.) “Yes. I’m aware Jimmy’s liberal college Professor of Everything Triggers Me Studies/Jimmy’s Date is currently choking on the turkey neck He/She/It attempted to swallow whole at the little kids’ table. In true GOP fashion of less intervention, let us all simply agree with the good lady: ‘Her Body, Her Choice…’” 

5.) “Let’s cut to the chase. We’ll throw some leftovers in a Baggie. I’ll call you on your usual BS, dishonesty and eye-watering hypocrisy. You skedaddle in your predictable, hysterical hissy fit. When you reach Nevada, enjoy Christmas dinner.” 

6.) “‘How many cows had to die to provide prime rib for white people over the holidays,’ Bruce? Not as many polyesters that had to perish to knit that ridiculous, culture-appropriating African tribal robe ensemble you’re wearing.” 

7.) “I’m sorry? What? You asked if there was something you can eat that’s just — vegan? Yeah. It’s called, ‘ham.’ It comes already chock-full of vegetables.” 

8.) “After our prayer and blessing of this meal, will you all join me with our traditional family Old Time Religion dance around the table and subsequent human sacrifice of any registered Democrats present?” 

9.) “‘Where’s the restroom?’ Gosh. Normally, we’d just smile and point, ‘Down the hall!’ But to make you feel right at home, whenever you feel the need, you can call an Uber and have him run you up to San Francisco where you can go poopies on the sidewalk …” 

10.) “I beg your pardon? You’re endorsing District Attorney George Gascón for reelection? What’s your preferred pronoun? Idiot?” 

11) “So. After dinner, you said you plan to throw Molotov cocktails at the corner church’s Nativity Scene? Is that for extra credit for your college DEI Tolerance class?” 

12.) “Oh! How sweet! You’re the local Teachers’ Union Rep! May you disrobe, climb on the table and do an interpretive pole dance around your dessert fork? Here’s your Word Of The Day. No.” 

13.) “I’m sorry. You just said that Joe Biden created 14 million new jobs since taking office? Not to be rude, but aren’t you confusing that statistic with the number of his family’s offshore shell accounts?” 

14.) “There are several family photos in the hallway and a Thomas Kincaid landscape I’m not so crazy about in the living room. Still. Resist the temptation. Break the Imbecile Habit. Don’t glue your hands to any of them.” 

15.) “Don’t mean to embarrass, but you have the teeniest little dinner roll crumb on your chin. Golly gosh! That darn Donald Trump must have put it there …!!” 

16.) “Oh. Small reminder to some at this table? You don’t have to chant, ‘Hey-hey! Ho-ho!’ before we say Grace …” 

17.) “‘Save the Whales?’ you say? Too late. You’re eating one. In your honor, we decided to switch from turkey at the last minute …” 

18.) “Yes, Dave. It is, ‘Dave,’ isn’t it? The green beans are organic. But, to compensate, we rinsed them in nuclear waste water. You know? Like the kind your posing ‘I wuv the planet’ Secretary of Transportation ‘Putzy’ Pete Buttigieg has yet to clean up in Palestine, Ohio?” 

19.) “I know you’re our beloved niece and you and your annoying date have announced your Coming Out Pronoun Party on the Winter’s Solstice. Sorry. It’s not for your good but ours. We secretly switched both your drinking glasses with holy water. You’ll be dead in three minutes.” 

20.) “Yup. That center table decoration? It’s a Menorah. Yup. We’re Jewish and celebrating Hanukkah. And, to answer your second question, we’re not in favor of murdering women and children. Your third question? No. You may not trash dinner, handcuff yourself to the brisket, scream obscenities or burn the table cloth. It’s not so much that we’re Jewish. We’re a rare, fed-up, pro-Israeli NRA Jewish sect, and, Bunkie, if you seriously act up at our holiday table, we’ll launch a sponge bomb up your secret underwear place where the moon don’t shine …” 

Santa Clarita’s John Boston is Earth’s most prolific satirist. Visit and pick up a cool holiday gift…

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