John Boston | The 2023 Palmdale Generic Christmas Holiday Newsletter

John Boston
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All y’all! Merry Christmas to all on the Palmdale family tree, which, some wiseacres in our link like to point out is more like a limbless stump connecting directly to the apes. Which, without the benefit of carbon dating, goes back to 1923. Also, a tepid nod of the head to those family practitioners of outlying crackpot religious beliefs, like Uncle Teddy Ray who follows Zeus but spells it with two “O’s.” TR’s daughter, Clara Belle, announced she’s transitioning to a “Hamas Sympathizer.” The girl just sort of sits in front of the Xmas tree at the Palmdale 99-Cent Store, protesting, wearing Lawrence of Arabia headgear, sullenly smoking and holding a protest sign, which cries, “Save Soviet Jews. Win Valuable Prizes.” 

Phew. Christmas conversation around the dinner table’s gonna be a joy with that one. 

Aunt Melron will hopefully be back home from the Acme Walk-In Clinic in time for the get-togethers. As you know, she had to have a rare prostate reduction procedure in that she needs to tinkle every three minutes. Might as well just pour the Brew 102 directly into the porta-potty. While there, she also got one breast augmentation, a face lift, tummy tuck and butt additions (three cheeks, if you remember, as she was born disfigured). If you draw Melron on the Secret Santa, she’d appreciate one of those rubber scuba outfits to keep everything in. 

Speaking of birthmarks gone wrong, Conch and Boogie? The spinster Siamese twins on Bob Paul’s side of the fam? Just celebrating their 90ths? Sadly, they won’t be with us during this unforgiving Antelope Valley winter. In another one of those all-too-common Joe Biden government mix-ups, they applied for food stamps but a clerical error just gave them both the one food stamp AND drafted them to go kill commie bastards in The Ukraine.  

Sad times, these. Including Clare Belle, we’ve got something like 14 Generation Z relatives who identify as either communists, terrorists or Lutherans. Bobby Dale, who’s actually 37, may not leave the garden shed yet again this Christmas because he’s committed to playing video games. His mother, Duvine, confessed she was spying through his diary and had changed his name to “Lex Lutheran.” Bobby Dale “Lex” being prematurely bald, makes sense. 

Those Z monsters in the fam. Completely clueless and void of common sense. The cousins (Wyatt, Waylon, Ransom, Red, Clovis, Dusty and Dick Mosshart) figured they could clean up by all seven of them secretly squeezing into one Santa suit and working down at the Mojave Regional Mall, which consists of just a Texaco and a Free COVID Boosters van. Using their public-school math skills, they figured they’d each be getting $1,220 per shift. Those boys were ticked off and then some when the property manager convinced them they had to divvy up 29 bucks seven ways for a week’s worth. Worse? The boys were counting on getting two weeks paid double time for working in December. Double worse? Because of the double-time, they all each owed Management $58.  

Jimmy Elroy? Delroy’s boy? Won’t be with us these high desert holidays. Said he was inspired by Hamas and built a 48-mile long tunnel from the 1st Presbyterian Nativity Scene on Avenue 2,011. In the soft shifting sands that makes up Antelope Valley, a flash flood entered and drowned him like a sponge. 

Remember our handsome second cousin, Beau Leemia? The defrocked Uber driver? Married that cute taco stand exotic dancer? She convinced Beau to drive illegals and make big bucks. But, with the language barrier and a faulty MapQuest on his dash, there was some confusion. Beau took a carload of, ahem — visitors — deep into Central America. Unkind words were exchanged and they gave Beau a piece of their mind. And, well. Sorta shot Beau in the leg, too. He’s presently healing up in Costa Rica and trying to make friends with a Capuchin monkey. 

Oh well. More leftovers for us. 

Shania Brie Marie’s music career may be finished. She’s currently breaking rocks for the next 6,000 lifetimes at the Central California Women’s Facility in Chowchilla after her 11th church choir bus hijacking. Besides the terrorism, hate crimes, child kidnapping and the rare, “White Slavery” charges, both DA George Gascón and Gov. Gavin Newsom sent personal condolences but said their hands were tied “from an optics standpoint” for releasing Shania as the next 43,000 calendars are election years, “… somewhere.” 

Grandma Hutch says she wants a Re-Elect Biden hoodie for Xmas. She said that despite that goof President Joe knocking off 10,000 centuries of human existence on Earth. Her words? She “at least wants to die laughing as she watches him falling off bicycles, stages, airplane stairs and Dr. Jill.” 

Well. Drat. Like to go on, but what with the price of everything, I’m going to save thousands on stamps and have Little Elsa Woodywilbur-Marie post this as a Signal Letter To The Editor next valley over. Elsa says they’ll print just about everything, especially over the holidays when everyone on staff’s run ragged and been drinking. 

Hoyt, Elsa’s boyfriend? Hoyt said we should just sign The Signal Tell-it, “The AV Catholics,” then mail a copy to the DOJ. They’ll send five clown cars full of FBI agents to investigate. Just like years past, we’ll overpower them, steal their weapons, pants, cool Arctic insulated FBI jackets and hand the rest of the pirated goodies out as Christmas presents. That’s why we vote Democrat in Palmdale. Redistribution Of Wealth! Yay and a Holiday Yodel! 

No need to say, “Merry Christmas” to everyone in Palmdale as, via marriage, illicit affairs or conjugal visits, we’re all related. Anywho. A holiday on such a Herculean scale would be, at the very least, daunting and, to the very worst, insincere. 

 While the reward is insultingly low, John Boston is a wanted for making fun of hillbillies, which is a misdemeanor war crime inside the Antelope Valley. Still shopping? Visit his bookstore — johnbostonbooks.com.

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