DEAR CONGRESSMAN GEORGE WHITESIDES: My apologies for my debilitating tardiness, George. I’ve been meaning to ask you for a few favors since your election as SClarita’s House of Representatives, uh — representative. I should have contacted you 20 minutes after your November ascension, back when your Democrat Party ruled the land and your cash-hemorrhaging USAID was in full flower.
I hope it’s not too late, but I sure could use some foreign aid. Granted. I’m full-blooded, born and raised American. But, technically, I’m half-Polish. Since that rapscallion zillionaire Elon Musk has been vacuuming up the Washington, D.C., hog trough with his DOGE pork sewage-pumping truck, I’m worried there might not be any taxpayer-funded largesse left for me.
It’s not like I’m a posse of Ukrainian fashion designers seeking a free, all-expenses paid five-star trip to Paris to display their haute couture. Although, come to think about it, I’d be curious to see some leggy east European models strolling the catwalk in dented helmets and singed evening gowns.
But, speaking of going to need fashion, George? I’ve got this really cool vintage Indian Motorcycles leather jacket in need of drycleaning. If it’s not a problem, can you send $342,503.12 to help pay for getting out this stubborn stain? I was at Costco the other day, enjoying their delish $1.50 hot dog when, drat, a big blop of mustard dropped on my really cool biker jacket. My dry cleaner, Ygor? Ygor’s from Ukraine and he said his people use USAID all the time to help make ends meet, be it for grenade launchers or adding, or, subtracting, sex organs to children. The cool thing, Ygor says, is that nobody in Ukraine believes in sex change operations for children, BUT, anyone on the planet can just apply for a grant and just SAY the money is going for sex change operations and the USA will happily send you cash, no questions asked, no harm, no foul.
So please send funds so my motorcycle jacket can get a pretend sex change operation.
George. I understand you Deep State people have a program called Soup to Nuts. You’re new to these parts, but, ask around. I’m nuts. And, I love soup. Specifically, Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom soup. Thanks to you people and Joe Biden, a can of Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom costs like $3 now. Worse? With shrinkflation, they only sell it in the 1 ounce container. Double worse? California just passed one of those annoying, pendulum-swinging Tough on Crime initiatives. It used to be you could shoplift 333 cans of soup, totaling just under $1,000, and no one would blink an eye. Now, you try to walk out of Food 4 Less with some darn soup and risk getting shot by a bag boy. Or, as you Democrats assign their pronouns as, “POBs.” You know. “Persons of Bag.”
I’d like to get about 10 cases of mushroom soup, which, in USAID money, is about $175,000. To save our government money in shipping and handling, you can just send me a cashier’s check for the amount and I’ll just hop in the Prius, drive over to the Piggly Wiggly and get the 10 cases myself. Some wags may complain that $175,000 is a bit extravagant to pay for 10 cases of soup, but, also included is a little itty-bitty can opener to open the little itty-bitty 1 ounce containers, that really should come with the self-opening lids.
I noticed your people authorized spending $50 million for Condoms for Gaza. Yes. You’re right, George. Good band name. After all the recent bombing, that works out to $11.2 million per condom, per person. At my age, I still can’t figure out how the darn things work, BUT, would like to ask you, George, if you could send me just a fraction of that cost — $950,000 — to purchase one of those wiggly inflatable figures that looks like a happy giant condom you see vibrating in front of tire stores. I’d like one for the front entrance of my office to attract new business.
I’d also like a coupla mill for gender studies, or, as we white males used to call it, “wolf-whistling at women’s behinds as they walked past construction sites.” I know you people spent a fortune for this in Guatemala. I assure you, George. I will use the money to “shop local” and gender study only in Valencia’s nicer neighborhoods.
Read, with interest, that Chelsea, daughter of President Bill Clinton and Not Nor Ever Will Be President Hillary Clinton, lined her pockets with $84 million from USAID. OK. Let’s be fair. That’s not true because, technically, Chelsea turned the money over to Iran so they could build a nuclear bomb on the condition it would only be used on Red States, plus, 10% of the money went to Joe Biden. As an old-time local farm helper/assistant ranch hand, I’d like USAID to send me a paltry $4.8 million to NOT build an atomic bomb or grow cauliflower. Cripes, George. I so hate cauliflower. The sooner we eradicate that sinful albino weed from the American landscape the better because, as you and science knows, cauliflower causes Climate Change and if you ever see anyone eating cauliflower, you should hit them smartly on the back of the neck to make them spit it out.
I noticed USAID sent $3 million to some crime figure in Brazil to explain, “Girl-Centric Climate Action” in that country. Before that darn Elon Musk sticks a drain stopper in all these helpful grants, could I get at least $314,335 from you guys to explain “Girl-Centric Climate Action” in Newhall to my daughter? I’m asking for only $314,335 because the explanation would only take a couple of seconds because my daughter always ends most of these highly informative parental suggestions with a heavy, bothered sigh and, “I know, Dad. I know …”
And, George, finally, I’d really, really, really, really, really, REALLY like 20 bucks from Washington, D.C., to not use so many adverbs in my columns …
John Boston, earth history’s most prolific satirist, lives and sleeps in Santa Clarita.
