DEAR STEVE GORDON, DIRECTOR, CALIFORNIA DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES — I place my 10 little adept digits to keyboard this fine May morn, Steve, with good news and, alas, bad news. First, I want to congratulate your folks at the DMV. I went in last month to re-up my driver’s license and had more than a little trepidation. I don’t think I’ve taken a driver’s exam since one of the queries was:
No. 1,374: a Conestoga is —
A) A kind of covered wagon still used by white devil pioneers to enter California illegally.
B) A truly big fat cigar you shouldn’t smoke while operating a motor vehicle because it fogs up the windows and you might back over a homeless person sleeping in your driveway.
C) A toga that belongs to someone named Mr. Cones.
D) The kind of noise a Stanley Steamer horn makes; no; wait; our bad; we were thinking of, “a-oooga …”
Steve, what with all the DMV efficiency jokes I’ve heard since the first time I was behind the wheel of a large automobile at the tender age of 8, I was frankly surprised to witness, firsthand, how amazingly efficient your operation has become. I didn’t have an appointment but was able to re-up my license in less than a half-hour. And the Newhall DMV office had something like 48 million customers ahead of me. You had a most capable young lady acting as middle linebacker to keep the operation running smoothly by personally guiding applicants to the right forms and line. Delta Force doesn’t operate as smoothly. It was actually a pleasant experience and as I approach middle age (75) I was delighted I didn’t have to take a test, pilot a tug boat or demonstrate that I still know how to shoe a horse. Or is it, “shoo.” The distinction escapes me but that doesn’t mean that my mental faculties place me in danger of hopping a pogo stick the wrong way down the 405.
Sir. You have my business from now until perdition. I shall shop no place else for my driver’s licenses from now on.
I do have a bone to pick, though.
I just got my new driver’s license in the mail last week and I think you guys messed it up, big time. I mean, all the info is correct, but, you guys seemed to have Crazy Glued the wrong photograph on my ID card. I have several mirrors hanging around my house and there’s even one on my driver’s side visor and another in the bathroom. From my daily experience of spending an inordinate amount of time adoringly staring at myself, I can assure you that I am not completely hideous to look at, possess a winning smile, have kind eyes that dogs (but not cats) and children trust and a good old-fashioned can-do winning State of California attitude.
Fortunately for me, when I opened up the envelope housing my new driver’s license, there was a sturdy iron railing within grasp and I was able to steady myself. The fellow in the photo? What’s the word for which I’m searching?
Craven.
The John Boston in this little DMV portrait? He looks — craven.
I? I am not craven.
In fact? The person captured by your DMV lens looks more like Dobby, that gaunt, greasy and pale gnome with the giant pointy ears that pesters Harry Potter. Or maybe Gandhi, smiling out of context. Steve. Do you have some practical joker running amuck in the vast caverns of DMV, altering handsome California motor vehicle operators’ appearances via Photoshop? Before leaving the theme of Harry Potter, I’m surprised your State Guardians of Things Vehicular didn’t remove my nose from my driver’s license photo so I looked more like Lord Voldemort. I had to show my driver’s license in a bank last week and a little kid went, “Gnyah! Gnyah! Gnyah!” ran furiously in place and did doughnuts on the tile floor.
Having experienced, firsthand, the efficient and modern way you handle your department’s daily operations, I feel confident that you are the kind of executive who welcomes innovation and fresh ideas. That’s why I’d like to introduce: Cal-SYF.
That stands for the California Share Your Face program.
I became enlightened that not all Californians are blessed with good looks like me. In fact, I’ve come across people, especially in neighboring Palmdale, who are so ugly, that when they walk up to a glass of water, the container runs away, making these little scalded poodle noises, splashing H2O hither and yon to a distant horizon.
Also, it’s not right, subjecting our state’s highway patrolmen, patrolwomen and patrol-yet-to-be-determineds to pulling someone over after a milk truck stop at an intersection, only to ask for their “license and registration” followed by an undignified scream and “FOR THE LOVE OF HOLY PONCHERELLO WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE???!!!” upon seeing their official ID.
Not that anyone in the Golden State’s bloated bureaucracy is interested in saving money, but, by implementing Cal-SYF, we could save billions of dollars each year and hundreds of thousands of manhours. We’d completely eliminate the DMV’s highly inaccurate camera systems and replace them with 24 standard license mug shots. You could simply choose amongst Keanu Reeves, Henry Cavill, Carrot Top or nine other public figures if you’re a male or Ana de Armas, Paige Spirinac or Gal Gadot for example if you’re a lady driver. Or, if you’re a Democrat, pick Rosie O’Donnell or a close-up of an Irish potato for your mug shot.
It’s not like our driver’s license photos look like any of us any way.
This being California, Steve, I’m surprised we haven’t implemented a similar program already. After all. Requiring us to have realistic depictions of the way we actually look for our IDs?
It may not be Racist but it surely is — Looks-ist …
With more than 11,000 columns and 100-plus awards, Santa Clarita’s John Boston is the most prolific humorist/satirist in world history. Visit his bookstore online at johnlovesamerica.com/bookstore.
