Emma Sowl | A Tale of Two News Stories

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If the urban legend website Snopes.com were to write up the following two news stories (one false, one true), their page might look something like this:

CLAIM No. 1:

In November 2018, after repeated reports of institutional racism in police departments across America, U.S. law enforcement officials assembled in Baltimore to vote on concrete, effective policy change. But only hours before the assembly opened, a federal oversight committee issued an order forbidding the vote.

It is rumored that the kibosh was put in place by President Trump, working through Broward County Sheriff Scott Israel and banned-from-everything-but-still-everywhere Alex Jones, both of whom sit on the oversight committee.

Jones was uncharacteristically media-shy, but in response to questions from reporters, his office said, “Ve know nothing. Nuh-thing.” Sheriff Israel denied all charges, then read a prepared statement to address the last-minute news, which he was shocked to learn.

Sheriff Israel suggested that those who were upset at the ruling should stand up and out themselves so the committee could compile an enemies list. A few brave police chiefs did so. They managed to get a vote to the floor on the statement, “Racism is not good.”

Right before the vote, Sheriff Israel asked, “What does that statement even mean?” and the anonymous vote revealed that far less than half of U.S. law officials could agree that racism is not good.

Broward County Election Supervisor Brenda Snipes (whose presence baffled everyone) gave a five-minute speech on how everybody in the room needed to stick together. That speech led to the assembly issuing a 32-page statement on the abuse of minors in the Catholic Church and how the root cause was that every citizen in America was a latent pervert.

Finally, the assembly asked the perverted citizens to donate to the Policeperson’s Ball, an organization so mismanaged it has accidentally given money to the KKK.

STATUS: FALSE

CLAIM No. 2:

In November 2018, after repeated reports of institutional cover-ups of sexual predation by bishops, for bishops, the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB) gathered faithfully together in Baltimore for a vote on concrete, effective policy change. But only hours before the opening of the assembly, the Vatican’s Congregation for Bishops issued an instruction not to vote until February, when there be another meeting with a different set of bishops.

It is rumored that the kibosh was put in place by Pope Francis, working through Chicago Cardinal Blase Cupich and retired-in-disgrace-but-still-in-charge Washington, D.C., Cardinal Donald Wuerl, both of whom sit on the Congregation of Bishops.

Retired-in-name-only Cardinal Wuerl was uncharacteristically media-shy, but in response to questions from reporters, his office claimed to be unaware of anything. Cardinal Cupich also disavowed knowledge of the instruction. Then he delivered an incredibly detailed statement to address the instruction that he knew nothing about.

Cardinal Cupich said that delaying action was proof that Pope Francis was taking the crisis seriously. The cardinal announced a retreat he will host in January to make sure the U.S. bishops are all on the same page. He encouraged bishops to reveal their current positions. 

A few brave bishops did. They managed to get a vote to the floor on the statement, “Be it resolved that the bishops of the USCCB encourage the Holy Father to release all the documentation that can be released consistent with canon and civil law regarding the misconduct of Archbishop McCarrick.”

Cardinal Cupich expressed confusion about what the statement meant, and the clicker vote revealed that far less than half of U.S. bishops could agree to ask the pontiff for the truth about a notorious sex predator who just sparked two RICO investigations against the Catholic Church.

Retired-under-disgrace Los Angeles Cardinal Roger Mahony (whose presence baffled everyone) gave a five-minute speech on how everybody in the room needed to stick together. Then the assembly issued a 32-page statement on racism in America that called out the police and Catholic laity for not even knowing how racist they actually are.

Finally, the USCCB asked the racist laity to donate to the bishops’ Catholic Campaign for Human Development, an organization that has repeatedly given tens of thousands of dollars to San Francisco’s Coalition on Homelessness, a group whose Street Sheets is pro-Planned Parenthood, pro-prostitution, and pro-silly poetry.

STATUS: TRUE

MORAL OF THE STORIES:

Truth is stranger than fiction.

Emma Sowl grew up in the Santa Clarita Valley. She became Catholic in 1993 and Republican in 2002. “Right Here, Right Now” appears Saturdays and rotates among several local Republicans.

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