Recently, The Mighty Signal scooped the journalism world, sorry planet that it is, by becoming the first major media outlet to have arranged an exclusive interview with infamous Delaware street tough, Corn Pop.
Democratic presidential campaign frontrunner Joe Biden claimed Corn Pop was the Wilmington gang member from the early 1960s who threatened him when Mr. Biden was a lifeguard at an inner-city public swimming pool. Using a length of heavy chain, Mr. Biden not only claimed to have faced-down Mr. P, but cleaned up all crime in the state.
Unfortunately, Mr. Pop, who also allegedly had information on Hillary Clinton being the leader of a vast, East Coast drug and human trafficking cartel, has mysteriously disappeared, so, we can’t interview him. It is feared Señor Pop may have committed suicide.
Next best thing?
The Signal has interviewed Joe Biden.
The 47th vice president is spending the next three months in the SCV, aiming to capture California’s huge 55 electoral votes, despite the fact that California would vote for a dead and decaying Charles Manson if he were a Democrat. Mr. Biden is also drumming up support locally for the re-election of 25th Congressional District Democrat, Katie Hill. Mr. Biden sat down with Signal crack political intern, Ray D. Asheon, for the following in-depth interview:
THE MIGHTY SIGNAL: Your son, Hunter, is a cheese wienie. How do you respond?
JOE BIDEN: Well. Malarkey. The cocaine, prostitutes, strip club charges, affairs with his brother’s widow, impregnating thousands of Arkansians, bribery. All trumped-up charges.
TMS: Um… we meant Hunter’s, and your, Ukraine Bribery Scandal.
JOE BIDEN: Oh. (laughing affably) That? Geez. Easy-peasy. Back in 1986, Ted Kennedy and I were in the Ukraine on a political fund-raising (laughs) — I meant to say — fact-finding mission. Perfectly innocent. I took Hunter along. He was 16. As I say in most matters, I was elsewhere. But I guess Hunty and Ted were touring a nuclear power plant and sort of accidentally dropped two really cute Ukrainian hostesses into a radioactive vat. I guess it started some kind of chain reaction.
TMS: Are you telling us Sen. Kennedy and Hunter Biden started the Chernobyl disaster that left an epic death crater and 42 dead!?
BIDEN: It was an ACCIDENT for cripes sakes! Happens all the time on “The Simpsons” and you don’t see them whining about it. IT’S A CARTOON!! I’m sure the two girls are fine. Sure. They’re 2 feet tall now, with gills and giant heads that glow in the dark. But, so’s everybody else in the Ukulele.
BIDEN: Same thing.
TMS: (shifting uncomfortably) Critics claim you’re dazed. Confused. Never bright to begin with. Why are you running?
BIDEN: (solemn, shaking a fist) We gotta stop Trump.
(long, uncomfortable silence)
TMS: That’s it? That’s your entire political vision for your presidency? Stop Trump?
BIDEN: (shifting in chair) I really liked “You Kids Get Off My Lawn!!” for our 2020 campaign slogan, except maybe in Spanish. It’s something everybody relates to. But, if I’m elected, you better believe it Kilroy, I’ll work tirelessly to get that guy outta office!
TMS: Why don’t you like President Trump?
BIDEN: (makes a thoughtful face) Who said that? I’ve known Don for years. He’s a friend. Great guy. Courageous. Visionary. Loves the country, the people. I mean, look how he has single-handedly turned the country and economy around. We could use more like him.
TMS: Yet, you and the other candidates are running almost solely on a Hate Donald Trump platform.
BIDEN: Well. It’s a Chinese yin-yang world view. Republicans build things. They construct. Democrats? We destruct. We tear things down. (grins) May I smell your hair?
BIDEN: That’s another slogan my team didn’t like so much.
TMS: “May I Smell Your Hair?”
BIDEN: (nods) It encapsulates the bat-poop crazy Democratic Party. (starts dancing in the chair, snapping his fingers) “We Yell! We Smell! We Yell and Smell Your Hair!!” Throw in a couple of “hay-hays!” and “hoe-hoes!” and you’ve got half America jiggy-boogling!
TMS: You earlier indicated that you’re here in Santa Clarita to drum up support for former Congresswoman Katie Hill’s re-election.
BIDEN: That’s why I’m here in Colorado.
TMS: er… California…
BIDEN: OK, whatever, doughboy… (grinning largely at his World War I reference)
TMS: You do realize, sir, that Ms. Hill, a Democrat, recently resigned in disgrace after a litany of charges that would cause a stack of Bibles to conflagrate. The nude and steamy photos of her have made Santa Clarita a national X-rated meme.
BIDEN: That’s all a bunch of malarkey!
TMS: You’re claiming all the photos are imaginary?
BIDEN: No. (waving his head and hands in exasperation) I’m just saying it’s — malarkey!
TMS: OK. So why then are you spending three months in Santa Clarita, trying to build support for Ms. Hill?
BIDEN: (shrugs thoughtfully) Well. Maybe not to go back to Congress. How about vice president? Except for John McCain tanking in 2008, it worked well for him when he picked that feisty Sarah Palin with the soft Alaskan skin as his No. 2 on the ticket. Plus, adding a tattooed live nude lesbian ex-congresswoman plays well to our Dem base. And, well, gosh. I shouldn’t say this…
BIDEN: With all the discord and partisanship lately, I just think America is ready for a vice president whose hair smells really nice…
John Boston has been named Best Columnist in America, California and Los Angeles several times to go along with 119 other major writing awards. The most prolific satirist in world history, he lives here in Santa Clarita. And, his hair smells nice.