Joshua Heath | Trump IS Making America Great

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Every so often, a statesman arises to bring a country to new heights, summon the best of its energies and skills, and turn back the tide of darkness. We are blessed to have such a man in the form of Donald John Trump.

Under the president’s leadership, families are reconnecting in a profound way. There have been more family board games, dinners and movies in than any period since the 1950s. The pace of life has slowed down and folks are rediscovering what truly matters. All because we’ve been locked in our houses, on the verge of a nervous breakdown and not wearing pants for six long, arduous months.

While our allies like South Korea and New Zealand make serious progress returning their nations to normalcy, we have our homes and each other.

Consider the job growth the pandemic has given us. Funeral parlors and mortuaries are busy like never before, as the country continues to produce an endless stream of deaths every day. Our moribund lumber industry is Great Again, as fresh wood must be found to build caskets. Not since the bubonic plague have gravediggers had such boom times. A chicken in every pot!

The citizens who survive are playing a role in our economic boom as well. Mothers, burdened with working from home and raising children simultaneously, have generated an unprecedented rise in alcohol sales. They have become “Rage Moms” caught between the impossible demands of work and family. Breweries and bottle makers rush to produce enough product to satisfy all the new drunks.

These Rage Moms have produced a bevy of “sad, sexually frustrated dads,” “permanently screwed kids,” and “vaguely anxious house pets,” who have generated their own economic activity.  

This is the result of our president’s bold leadership. Who would have known that the way to Make America Great Again was to oversee the world’s worst pandemic response and react to an emerging civil rights movement by gassing protesters? 

If Joe Biden comes to power, this progress will be lost. His national plan for a mask mandate, rapid testing and contact tracing will put thousands out of work. The demand for caskets, divorce attorneys, therapists and Uber Eats will plummet. Families will no longer be spending so much time together, and instead be living normal, busy lives. White nationalists will go back into their basements, too afraid to march the streets in their full attire.

A Biden administration will kill all these new jobs and replace them with what exactly? Our country will become, in essence, Venezuela.

Progressives like to talk about compassion and social justice, but who’s looking out for the merchants of death and misery? Don’t they deserve a living wage? A chance to support their families?

Donald J. Trump thinks so. And after all, he must be right, for he is a great man. All along, Americans always believed the essence of the good life was defined by aspiration, success, striving toward something bigger than ourselves. This unique figure has offered a nobler vision: lazily spending your days eating cheeseburgers, KFC, and chimichangas while watching television and tweeting from bed.

Through his leadership, we have all become little Trumps, locked in our houses, posting on social media, subsisting on junk food and breaking news, our only emotional relief coming through sleep or a good bowel movement. 

America: land of the fat and home of the bullies.

This November, it’s time for four more years. 

Joshua Heath is a Santa Clarita resident.

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