So I decided as a New Year’s resolution to go completely nut-job Screaming Yellow Zonkers and switch sides. Pass the arsenic-laced Kool-Aid. Fit me for a foil hat (although, with foil, you’d think one size would fit all). I’m having the sex-change operation and becoming a Democrat.
Elbowing my way to the front of The Squiggly Line Delusional, I’ve noticed there are too many emotionally violent words in Santa Clarita that trigger. So. Without further ado, here’s my List of 2021 SCV Words Thou Shalt Not Utter Again.
JOHN — I know. I know. Cripes. It’s my first name. But, “John” is a synonym for clumsy, drooling male-men who take advantage of noble sex trade workers formerly known as “hookers” (to be banned in future City Hall correspondence). “John” is naughty because it also means, “potty,” a bowl used by children (hopefully younger than 17) for constitutional training purposes. Taking the lead of my Democrat colleagues in San Francisco, we shouldn’t have to wait to relieve ourselves in confining, enclosed restroom structures, probably designed by Racist White Males, which, although a great band name, don’t start head-banging. It’s 2021. Pot’s legal. Feel free to relieve yourself on an SCV paseo or the third lane of Interstate 5 in rush hour.
BOSTON — Yes. I know. My last name. But Boston was where white slave-owning males, dressed as Native Americans, conducted the Boston Tea Party in 1773, throwing tons of tea into Boston Harbor. The act stigmatized both a young future-senator, Elizabeth Warren, who, today, identifies as an Indian. I realize that, now not having a first nor last name, I won’t be able to endorse my checks and shall have to swing a deal with Signal Publisher Richard Budman to be paid in cash. Or, tea. Free of the burden of name, I shall now be addressed with an apologetic pursing of the lips and helpless shoulder shrug.
INDIANS — For years, I’ve fought tooth-and-nail (“nail” — another word banned; it represents pandering nail salons that stereotype women by forcing them to look more sex objecty). I was mistaken to protect my Hart High mascot, the mighty Indian. Now that I’m woke, I realize in teepees across countless reservations, indigenous people are crying themselves to sleep over the slight. The new mascot for Hart? From this day forward, we’re called, “Injuns…” You know. Like the old V-8.
COWBOYS — The Canyon High mascot will now be referred to as “Cowpersons” or “Persons of Cow.”
OTHER HIGH SCHOOLS — Just keep up the good work of not offending anyone.
BOB — While this may prove a hindrance to Kellar’s gubernatorial aspirations, we feel “Bob” is too closely attached to the boxing term, “bob and weave” and therefore, has to go. “Bob” is sexist in that “weave” depicts women as barefoot, uneducated, braindead knitting sex objects, which, I’m embarrassed to admit, kinda gets me excited in a “I’ve Been A Very Naughty Weaver Servant Girl And I’m Afraid You’re Going To Have To Punish Me” sort of way. Sorry, er — Kellar.
POP TARTS — A no-brainer. “Pop” stands for the villainous male bully sperm donor authoritarian figure and “Tarts” is the unacceptable synonym for noble sex industry engineers. Plus, these oppressive desserts are filled with processed sugar, harvested by slave labor in local fields operated by Newhall Land & Formerly Farming. Here. Chant it with me: “ATTICA!! ATTICA!! SHUT DOWN NEWHALL LAND & FARM!!”
POLICE — One of my Democrat Party’s goals is to completely emasculate the culture formerly known as American. Their fascist/militaristic arm? Law enforcement. We liberals will be appointing blue ribbon committees of the daft, drug-addicted and incontinent to discover a new word to insert while one is being murderously attacked and feels the need to scream: “HELP! HELP! !!!!!”
TUNISIAN YOU-KNOW-WHAT PLUG — Certain members of the old guard media used to bandy this phrase about willy (future banned word because of boastful male slang) nilly. “Tunisian You-Know-What Plug” is harmful, hurtful and insulting albeit well-deserved and accurate description of all liberal politicians and Social Justice Warriors. Beyond that, like the minimum wage, it’s confining and limiting to the hard-working people of Tunisia. Hence, the term shall be deemed: “Three-nisian You-Know-What Plug.”
I — Terrible pronoun, tres self-centered and dangerous to the common collective. Plus, if you stare at it long enough, “I” has hidden male phallic and dominating connotations injurious to The Borg — er, I mean, Democrats.
SANTA CLARITA — This one’s most hateful and offensive. Literally, it means “Little Flat-Chested Woman.” Ooooo. I could just scream and knock over a Confederate statue!! Our city and valley identities should be renamed immediately to something more empowering to women. Like: Confident Transsexual Third Base Womyn With The Bad West Hollywood Rockabilly Haircut Valley. Or: City of Large-Breasted Giant Wagnerian Opera Singers. Either way. If they issued sleeveless hoodies, I’d buy two.
One for me.
One for Laurene Weste…
Pretend-converted Democrat (insert apologetic pursed lips and helpless shoulder shrug here) is a local writer who used to have 119 major awards including being named Best Newspaper Columnist Like, Anywhere, but has since given them up because awards are symbols of white aggression, male competition and non-AYSO values.