Dearest Joe Rogan — Buddy. Sorry Democrats have been swallowing horse-pill-sized bile pills over your often edgy and widely popular podcasts. Not to fret, Joe. You have a home in Santa Clarita. I place tips of digits to keyboard to make you an offer more enticing than actress Jennifer Garner, alone at a rodeo, softly crying. Quit Spotify. Bring your trenchant and always entertaining podcast to our exciting Mighty Signal team. We’ve been around 103 years and offer a flexible place to work, filled with benefits including hot coffee (at cost). We’ll even pay you $150 to start.
Granted. That’s probably not close to the $100 million Spotify drunkenly dishes out. But think of us like an Elon Musk. One day, Elon’s a South African third grader, penniless. In a blink, he’s worth nearly a trillion bucks. Try getting that in a wallet. Personally? I feel The Mighty Signal could be worth upwards of $4.3 quadrillion. By this June. Depending, of course, how the war with Russia goes and if there’s still a planet left sans smoldering giant doughnut hole.
You probably haven’t heard of our riparian community, save for the distasteful Netflix horror offering, “The Santa Clarita Diet.” Remember? Cannibals? Realtors? Apparently one in the same? Starred Timothy Olyphant and Drew Barrymore? I believe the latter’s dad shot President Lincoln.
(NOTE TO SELF: Contact SClarita City Council RE: erecting small three-person statue of Drew’s dad, Lincoln and Ms. Barrymore for the Main Street turn-about. Remind self to remind council to erect larger statue of Santa Clarita Diet/Cannibals/Realtors for Main Street’s Restaurant Row…)
I know Liberals hate your wonderfully edgy daily show. Even the former grumpy rock star Neil Young (sings like a girl? Anti-everything?) promised to pull his two Big Band songs, in castrato, “Attica” and “Son of Attica,” from Spotify if they didn’t hunt you down like a pregnant Antifa intern.
Joe. We’re the only town in America to outlaw Neil Young from our city limits. Seems he gave a Concert in the Park (we’ve just the one) a few years back and set off all sorts of car alarms and that was just during mic check.
Joe. Please. Do consider relocating to Santa Clarita.
We’re building our multimedia presence. Our publisher, Richard Budman, just acquired new technology, something he calls “a Sell Phone.” Granted. Our newspaper/media platform (SigTube) still uses the 56K dial-up modem with a sound not unlike Neil Young or chimpanzee being tortured with a cigarette lighter. We can send out dozens of your podcasts daily, providing they’re not more than 15 seconds long.
Point being, Joe, and no offense — lose the stutter.
I’m confident you’ll find a plethora of program ideas, just by tumbling out of bed. We are one of the quirkiest communities on Planet Earth, home to Bigfoot safaris, UFO encounters, PTERODACTYL encounters ending in — your personal favorite — interspecies fistfights, ghosts, werewolves, serial killers, vampires AND, we’re the world’s largest location for monster and SciFi movies. Hmmm. Tapping my fingers here. I seem to recall that someone just wrote a trilogy on the subject and for the life of me, can’t remember who was the author. No. Wait. I remember now. It was me. Heavens. Now there’s an interesting, page-turning read.
I personally don’t see your background in mixed martial arts/fights to the death as a blemish. Despite the recent influx of soccer moms and yoga-pantsed yuppie dads who suck the rough-hewn poetry out of our valley, we’re still pretty much that good old rough-&-tumble frontier community we’ve always been. We still have bars where one can get kicked, stabbed, killed, socked, slit open like canoes and get their feelings hurt. Many of these saloons make a debilitatingly great cheeseburger. We still have a certain rough-housing tavern in Castaic whose name I won’t mention but it has “GIRL!” and a shapely feminine leg in the flickering neon sign out front. Not that I’ve ever attended myself, but they’ve got a 300-foot-deep dunk tank where, three tries for a quarter, you can submerge a kidnapped member of the Cancel Culture. And yes. They’re wearing a generously weighted vest.
We are a community rich in service organizations. There’s The Honby Men’s Club, The Worthless Sons of the Wealthy Landowners and, for women, Live Nude Zonta. Do call if you’d like to pledge as I am president of all three. I’d be happy to buy you breakfast and if you survive the initiation and beating-in, I’m confident someone in your shape, Joe, is more than likely to survive Pledge Month.
Oh. Three Just Bein’ Honests here. The $150 The Signal promised for all rights to your podcasts and material? That’s per year, not per episode nor droll comment.
We also have this eye-wateringly annoying municipal organization with the long and wokey title: City of SClarita’s Human Relations Roundtable. They’re armed. Tightly sphinctered. Humorless. Their mission? Hunt down and destroy all racism and discrimination, real or imagined, and cancel their racist patooties, especially — ahem —the Italian-Irish. (Slight pointing of a subtle index finger in your general direction, Joe).
Again, just a neighborly warning.
Lastly, there’s the Ladies Auxiliary.
Recently, we’ve seen an alarming trend of left-wing transients with their cloven hooves and devil worshiping moving into Santa Clarita. They’ve formed a militant Santa Clarita Ladies’ Marching Democratic Party Auxiliary. Wiry little bunch of monkey women who can’t cook, clean or bear children. They march about town, chanting bumper sticker slogans through loudspeakers the likes of which you’ve never seen.
They march about with impunity, barging into homes, schools and businesses. If something displeases them, they yell: “WELL!! The Ladies Auxiliary will CERTAINLY hear about THIS!!” only in an outraged, comic, high-pitched operatic voice.
Like Neil Young’s?
Text me, Joe Rogan, and I’ll send you our easy-peasy Employment Exam.
John Boston is the most prolific satirist in Earth’s history. Visit his bookstore at http://johnbostonbooks.com/ and search for his 50 LBS. OF FREE GOURMET ALMOND ROCA offer.