Recent discoveries at several hundred Santa Clarita Valley homes, businesses and enterprises of more illegal Joe Biden documents have shocked the nation and may lead to the president’s impeachment.
On an hourly basis, hundreds of fresh boxes of either top-secret or criminal wrongdoing evidence have surfaced from when Mr. Biden was the nation’s alleged vice president. Scooping the nation’s asleep-at-the-wheel media, The Mighty Signal became the first news outlet to learn the contents of Biden’s Boxes o’ Bloopers. Here now — just a small sampling of the damning evidence unearthed locally…
• THE “BIG GUY” FILE — 816 highly sensitive boxes were unearthed in the The Way Station cellar. They linked the CIA and Hunter Biden, with a plot to make the drug-crazed president’s son and failed beatnik, Hunter, secretary general of the United Nations. The cloven-hooved fornicator and coke-sniffing goof would extort billions from the member nations, based on their gross national product, then launder 10% of the ill-gotten gains back to “The Big Guy,” whom The Signal just learned is former first lady — Michelle Obama.
• HAIR CLUB FOR JOE — More than 32,098 gallon-sized Baggies were discovered inside the SCV Corvette Club Community Garage. Each bag contained locks of teenage girls’ hair for Biden’s $14.8 billion National Teen Babe Hair Scent Bank, to help “fight crime, split ends, and to, well, just smell when the moon is full and the mood arises…” Also discovered, Biden’s rough draft of his autobiography, “Divorced Laker Girls I’d Like to Grope.”
• BIDEN DELAWARE HOME VISITORS’ LOG — The laziest, most dishonest and dysfunctional president in American history, Biden has taken “Work From Home” to near-unemployed levels. Boxes found at local state Sen. Scott Wilk’s home (from where Scott works, too) showed the following visitors to the Delaware abode: George Soros (416 X); Satan (daily); Hunter’s drug dealer (daily); the Sinaloa Cartel (posing as a mariachi band); the Chinese Communist Party (posing as a Panda Express delivery team); and the four William S. Hart Union High School District trustees who voted to eliminate the Indian as the Hart High mascot, to name a few…
• DRUG CARTEL SUPPORT ACT — Presidential order found in SCV Democratic Party Headquarters revealed the Biden Administration’s plans for new PR campaign: DRUGS IS NOT A FOUR-LETTER WORD! Edict creates a new, secret presidential cabinet post of Drug Czar, only the department would be headed by an actual Mexican drug czar. The post would launch a multi-billion-dollar campaign, depicting “…the positive attributes of being addicted drool-cup-grinning stupid high all the time. Like all us Democrats.” Would also grant amnesty for all cartel hitmen, dealers, rapists, murderers, pond scum, the Biden family and the Screen Actors’ Guild. The Biden family would receive 10% of all U.S. fentanyl trafficking revenue, up 4% from their current cut.
• CENTRALIZATION OF EDUCATION CHILDREN’S ACT — Would make communism mandatory teaching in school. Would funnel all the nation’s Lucky Lotto programs directly to the country’s powerful teachers’ unions and allow teachers to work from Cabo. Ten percent of all union fees to go to the Biden family and Democratic Party (on top of their current 25% in kickbacks). Approximately 5,842 “Biden Boxes” found in the lunch pail of hillbilly Hart trustee Linda Storli.
• THE AMERICAN RE-EDUCATION ORDER — Some 1,433 boxes of presidential orders, when signed by Joe, would empower the DOJ, IRS, FBI, CIA, SAG, the nation’s media and Washington’s bottomless pit of gun-toting Washington alphabet agencies to go after conservatives via a deadly, nationally mandated vaccine program. Would forcibly inject citizens who use stoves, drive cars, exercise, pay taxes, the employed, homeowners, home renters, Donald Trump, people who have half a brain, Hunter’s stripper/tart girlfriend and his scattered love children and label them as “haters and racists.” New federal department would pretty much rename everything, including streets, so as to keep Americans annoyed and off-balance.
• SAVE THE WHALES. WIN VALUABLE PRIZES. — Some 488 bankers’ boxes were found dumped on the side of Sierra Highway, along with 14 tons of defective SCV Sierra Club bumper stickers (no sticky side). Would outlaw all petroleum-based products and require American citizens to locomote via harnessing trained whales. Notes from Energy Secretary Jennifer “Granola” Granholm indicated, “…some living in non-salt water major bodies of water” may feel a slight inconvenience, “…but, it’s a small price to pay for saving the planet, which will die in eight minutes unless you stupids keep voting for we woke Democrat nutburgers.” The Biden Administration also plans to scooch the legal age of abortion to 103, conveniently eliminating the possibility of getting rid of Biden, Bernie Sanders, Nancy Pelosi, Elizabeth Warren, Hillary Clinton and most of the Democratic Party’s hepcat daddy political leadership. The presidential edict would also make it illegal to be white, possibly even light-skinned, unless, of course, you’re a hysterical liberal booger-eating moron who donated to Black Lives Matter.
• REPARATIONS FOR GAYS — Again, because the Democrats wasted the last two years trying to link former president Donald Trump with the Crimea War, Biden was forced to create a presidential order vs. passing a bill through Congress. This act would give the nation’s homosexuals four equal payments of $750,000 for pain and suffering, real or imagined, plus 40 acres of land and a mule, plus an additional 10 acres for the mule if the mule is gay. Joe Biden would get 10%, or 4 acres, and 10% of each mule — appropriately, the south end. Just one box (nicely decorated with travel magazine collages) was reported discovered at Jim Backer’s executive office and while Jim isn’t gay, we note the media hasn’t unfairly picked on Backer since pre-COVID.
• SMALL PLASTIC STORAGE CONTAINER — Found at the 99¢ Store on Lyons, 1/256th-ounce Tupperware jar containing Joe’s brain. And, some stale lettuce…
Special thanks to former SCV Man AND Woman of the Year, Bob Kellar, for leaking these secret records. John Boston? The world’s most prolific satirist lives locally is not hiding any Joe Biden papers in his garage or underwear drawer. Visit johnbostonbooks.com. Buy books. Leave rave reviews.