The following is a loose transcription of Gov. Gavin Newsom’s first foray into a presidential bid.
Newsom: I am now open to questions. Please identify your state of origin so I can adjust my response accordingly.
Boy: Gov. Newsom, I’m from Texas and my parents won’t get me a dog. Can you help me?
Newsom: Texas is such a barbaric, undemocratic state. Come to California and I’ll make sure you get that dog. We’re a sanctuary state for everybody and everything. We have plenty of dogs to go around. I only ask that you tell your folks to vote for me when I run for president.
Girl: I’m in high school and I live in California. I go to George Washington High School and my Critical Race Theory teacher told me that Washington was a slave owner and an oppressor. Knowing that, I cannot, in good conscience, attend Washington High. Can you help me?
Newsom: Damn that George! California is an enlightened state. We do not tolerate intolerance. I will see to it that your high school is renamed Greta Thunberg High School, in honor of the Swedish goddess of goodness. Problem solved.
Man: I’m from Arkansas and I’ve spent the last seven years in prison for assault with a deadly weapon. I don’t like prison. It’s boring, the food sucks, and there are no women. Can you help me?
Newsom: I can help you indeed, my good man. Come to California where we don’t believe in sending people to prison for petty crimes like assault. As a matter of fact, we are turning San Quentin into a sort of Club Med for criminals, or, as we like to call them in California, the wrongly accused. You’ll fit right in.
Woman: I’m from Boron but I’d like to live in Huntington Beach. One problem … I can’t afford it. Can you help me?
Newsom: I have the solution to your problem. We are going to install an accessory dwelling unit in every back yard in Huntington Beach, whether they like it or not. We’ll show those NIMBYS that high density is the way to go. We’ll make Huntington Beach the next Koreatown.
Man: I’m from Southern California and I spend hours every week sitting in traffic no matter where I travel. Can you help me?
Newsom: Haven’t you heard of the bullet train? It is going to relieve traffic in that pesky bottleneck between Bakersfield and Modesto. You look to be around 40. You will be able to enjoy the bullet train in your retirement. Sweet!
Woman: Gov. Newsom, I’m from Florida (audible groan from Newsom). How will you pay for your sanctuary-for-all programs?
Newsom: You sound like you’ve been listening to that fascist Ron DeSantis. Look, the people elected me and I even won a recall election. They must approve of the way I’m spending their tax dollars. As P.T. Barnum once said … That concludes our Q&A. Let me just say, if elected, I will do my best to turn the United States into one big California. How does that sound?