John Boston | Post-Durham, We Need Heads. Human Heads.

John Boston

Fabled attorney, law professor and pundit Alan Dershowitz recently said something that made me contort into One Of Those Faces. 

Like a lion smelling a warm hyena, your nose scrunches. You squint. You grimace like you just happily popped a Brussel’s Sprout, thinking it was a See’s caramel nougat. 

The good barrister was commenting on last week’s unveiling of the four-year-long Durham Report. That’s where Special Counsel John Durham noted that everyone in the FBI, CIA, DOJ, EPA, NAACP and Future Farmers of America should be given near-fatal doses of high colonics then immediately forced to rhumba on “America Dances Like A Chimp In Estrus” or some such imbecilic network talent show. 

Actually, the Durham Report didn’t call for intestinal purging of the useless bureaucracy. I’m just a hopeless romantic. When someone asks Washington to “spill their guts,” perhaps I’m being unreasonably literal. 

America, perhaps deservedly, has suffered through this ongoing Laurel & Hardy passion play. Our intelligence communities and the Democratic Party joined forces to orchestrate a coup. They’ve created mayhem in the streets, allowed our country to be invaded, sold out, drugged out, betrayed and perverted. The Dumbbell Mafia sits in The White House. 

The Durham Report pointed out what everyone knew. Federal munchkins became emboldened, committing one moral and ethical atrocity after another. 

Federal men and women in suits and badges stole our country. Critics railed. Wrote op/ed pieces. Shook bony fists against the sky and promised that, “…the Ladies Auxiliary will certainly hear about THIS!!”  

Short of thesauruses of conservative thinkers cracking open, nothing happened. Me? To hell with the speeches. 

I want to see a human head. Several, actually. Then, I’d like to open an account at Acme Fly Rental and lease a few thousand pesky insects to buzz around the bloating noggins, motionless on pikes and steamy in the late-spring humidity. Network news execs. Shrill, scullery maid small-screen morons. Braindead celebrities. Spies. Crooked cops. Hillary. Legions upon legions of consultants and lawyers. IRS mucky-mucks, former thoses and thems, all turned color commentators, aping for the camera. 

Someone needs to pay. Will they? Probably not. 

Not Dershowitz’s “good people,” but evil ones, have worked tirelessly to make the socio-political horror classic, “1984,” a reality. That is profoundly ugly. And — what

So what? Now what? 

Shall the Ladies Auxiliary be notified? 

Alan Dershowitz had the gall to codify the behavior of uncounted Washington corpulent sewer rats. Here’s what the Barrister of Olympus told Forbes Magazine: 

“The basic conclusions reached by the Durham report mirror the thesis of my book, ‘Get Trump’ — namely that good people have been willing to do bad things in order to prevent Donald Trump from being elected (or reelected) as president. These good people honestly believe that the noble (at least in their view) end in getting Trump and preventing him from being president justifies ignoble means, including mendacity and violation of long-established principles.” 

No. And no. And no. And another no. 

You are not a good person when you commit treason. You are not a good person when you actively and secretly work to overthrow any duly elected president of the United States. 

You don’t like the guy? Don’t work for him. 

I firmly believe Barack Obama was the worst president in American history (until his braindead buddy, Joe Biden, took office). My painful observations and obsessions aside, I’d fight to the frigging death to defend Obama in his duly elected office. An entire passel of buttheads elected a flimflam artist. But. They did elect him. Four years later, an apologetic, bumbling weakling ran against him and Obama served another four years. 

Sucks canal water. Makes me wince. Not only do dumbbells get to vote, their vote counts. It’s called, “Democracy.” 

But not for the liberals. Something doesn’t go their way, they burn the streets. A cult of inside power brokers and Mandarins (named after the fawning Chinese courtiers who destroyed an empire to save their cushy lifestyles) toppled the Trump presidency. Mr. Dershowitz holds that this coup — and make no mistake, it was the first overthrow of the American citizen government — wasn’t some clumsy, “Whoops, sorry!” by well-meaning souls. It was treason. 

Stalin? He was actually a loving father. He used to entertain his daughter, Stalina, with Three Stooges imitations. Joe, a socialist, murdered millions. Does that mean the Russian strongman should come in first, second, third and honorable mention for Father of the Year? 

And actually, this is EXACTLY what Mr. Dershowitz and the Washington establishment are implying. “Hey. We’re cute. We’ve got families. And shoulder holsters. The rules — the consequences — shouldn’t apply to us. We’re special, not like you unwashed regular mutts between the two coasts…” 

And that’s the cautionary tale for all of us. Most of us, driven by temptation and circumstance, are capable of things far more heinous than murder. Supposedly good men and women, in the nation’s corridors of power and responsibility, were two-faced. Whether it was an Obama or Trump, it doesn’t matter. Some of Trump’s trusted staff smiled and genuflected, laughed at jokes, promised to “get right on it!” Then, the deviants actively worked to spit on the trust of tens of millions of people. 

It’s beyond vulgar. I don’t want to hear that Agent So-&-So plays tuba at the retirement home on his own time. I don’t want to hear that Congressman Jones or Senator Smith tells a great joke or does a perfect Larry Fine impersonation. 

We all slip. Without change and a contrite heart, we’re all sliding toward Hell on the minute with our grand to petty miscues. But there’s no salvation for the reptilian traitor who not only slips, but, with ugly hubris, tells himself he’s doing God’s Work with his treason. I want amends. Honest, sincere, amends from Washington and its slimy residents with the bloated resumes. I want a contrite apology. An actual change of behavior. 

Short of that, I want human heads. 

Federal human heads. 

The SCV’s John Boston is history’s most prolific humorist/satirist.  

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