John Boston | Uncle Fester Sits in the U.S. Senate

John Boston

One of my favorite eye-rolling statements from the wonderful folk at Fox News goes something like this: “The American people are too smart to stand for this!” Uncannily, Republican elected officials developed this bad habit, proudly sticking out chests and echoing, “The American people are too smart to stand for this!” 

I’m beginning to suspect perhaps my conservative friends aren’t getting out much. An embarrassing percentage of Americans can’t identify the three branches of the federal government. Outside the Bronx, where the dancing goochie-goochie imbecile Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dwells, many can’t name their congressman. Most couldn’t ID a Supreme Court justice and, supposedly, 81 million somehow elected, for president, a dolt noted by his peers as the Dumbest Man in Washington and that goes back to when Powhatan elders were pontificating around a campfire. 

The supposed smart people of Pennsylvania recently elected a drool cup for their U.S. senator. John Fetterman has been at the center of controversy since he ran for, and, somehow, won, the office in 2022. Right now? He’s grabbing headlines yet again, this time, for dressing like a skateboarder who hangs outside 7-Eleven, asking passers-by if they could buy beer for him. 

Besides walking on all fours, Fetterman looks like Uncle Fester and the Hunchback of Notre Dame collided in an atomic particle splitter. Fetterman dresses like The Guy Who Screams At Seagulls at Venice Beach. Shaved head, dazed expression, as if the ringing of the bells at the National Cathedral is finally getting to him, Fetterman wears hoodies. 

To work. 

At the United States Senate. 

At least he used to. Of all the important matters, just because of one Pennsylvania legislator (Democrat) (again), the Senate this week passed a near-unanimous Don’t Dress Like The Village Idiot personal appearance code.  

Really? You need legislation to remind our leaders not to pick their noses? That’s how low we’ve sunk? 

Fetterman wears butt-crack-revealing shorts and doesn’t have the legs to pull it off. Excuse me. I should have typed, “calves.” The loose, gang-banger look only reveals a few inches of his albino chicken legs, which, I’m guessing in Pennsylvania fashion circles, is tres vogue. 

How many damn dumb people are there in Pennsylvania? Well. Using Fetterman as a measuring stick, about 3 million. He shellacked his opponent, Dr. Mehmet Oz, the TV talk show personality, by about 6%. And this was after Fetterman painfully struggled on the campaign trail, touting his stance of, “Fire — BAD!!” That speech? Five takes. 

I do have compassion for people suffering from severe mental illness. But I’d stop taking my beloved subcompact to my mechanic if he broke down in tears when I mentioned, “How much for an oil change?” 

“Oil change…” my grease monkey cries, falling to the ground in a fetal ball. “HOW MANY BABY OILS WILL HAVE TO BE KILLED UNTIL YOU PEOPLE ARE SATISFIED!!!!????” 

I don’t know. Six? Seven? 

Majority Leader & Web-Footed Spawn Of Satan, Chuck Schumer (D), last week ordered that the Senate dress code be loosened to accommodate the hysterically weeping politician from the Keystone State. Then, Schumer had to backtrack when public outcry from even his own ranks arose. For a too-brief moment, every Senate gathering was Happy Jammies Day. I’m living a lifetime of being conned, swindled, lied to, cheated, and, had I been a teenage girl, vigorously sniffed, by people with reptilian smiles wearing appropriate ties and appropriate sports coats. Or, in the case of Hillary Clinton, a pastel Teletubby one-size-fits-all pants suit. 

Toy ray gun and antennas sold separately. 

Schumer is actually — once — correct. Clothes don’t necessarily make the man, woman or Mystery Gender and a non-gendered hockey net to be named at a future date. 

If you haven’t noticed, the Fundamental Unit of Human Incompetence — IS — The White Guy In A Tie. Today, the tent’s been opened. It now includes Black Guys In Ties, Gay Guys In Ties (sockless, Espadrilles), Woman Guys In Ties and Massachusetts Woman Guys In Ties Who Identify As Pocahontas. It’s high-class behavior to act and dress appropriately for the right occasion. Gauche to wear flippers to a funeral and all. But, never forget (alas, you will…). Wolf? Sheep’s clothing? Wolf screaming a stirring stump speech? Waves to crowd? Dumbbell crowd? Wolf grins toothily? Kisses baby?  

Eats baby…? 

Goodness gracious me. John Fetterman is a representative of the most powerful legislative body in Earth’s history. Fetterman’s sin? That, blinking and lost, this U.S. senator looks like he just crawled pant-less out of a freeway underpass government-issued tent? Or, on closer inspection, his knuckles are scraped from walking on them? No. Democratic Sen. John Fetterman’s sin? 

He’s conspicuous. 

Each retina is surrounded by 9 inches of white. The pacing. The panting. Fetterman’s appearance is exacerbated by those hairless pipe cleaner legs and size 52 clown shoes. But he’s not alone. From Nancy Pelosi to Debbie Wasserman Schultz, there are dozens of elected officials in America’s representative branch of federal government who writhe around the insane asylum floor, like Dracula’s loyal minion, Renfield, giggling important-sounding proclamations and dreaming of eating flies.  

“‘The American people are too smart to stand for this?!?!’” 

Two words. Har. Dee-Har-Har. That’s not been my experience. 

Thomas Jefferson said, “The government you elect is the government you deserve.”  Don’t be fooled. There are good souls, laboring mightily in honorable stewardship and service in D.C. Also? There’s an entire Executive Branch manned by liars, crooks, civilization arsonists and perverts, President Joe Biden leading the hysterical outpatients. 

The House of Representatives? The Senate? There’s John Fetterman, easily recognizable as the one wearing the Dark Ages oaf costume. The rest? 

Our Washington elite are camouflaged nicely in the proper uniforms — suits and high heels. Yet, they are better suited to star as bicycle-horn-honking clowns, posers, shriekers and fools in the next themed Cirque du Solei show in Las Vegas — “American Idiocracy.” 

Earth’s most prolific satirist, John Boston, lives here in Santa Clarita. Visit his bookstore at Please browse, but wear pants, or a skirt, and certainly not both.

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