Joshua Heath | My Platform: More Laws for Santa Clarita

Joshua Heath commentary

In a recent column, entitled “Satirically Throwing My Hat in the Ring,” I announced my campaign for the Santa Clarita City Council race. As a sequel to that piece, here a few more policies I plan on enacting if I am elected to serve in local government. 

You can’t only post good news on social media 

My first law will create new rules for the social media accounts of Santa Clarita’s citizens. As it stands, we all put forward a false, idealized image of ourselves on popular websites like Facebook and Instagram. 

However, this is not a harmless trend. 

Many people look at the “perfect lives” of their peers and feel very depressed. Their own lackluster existence feels paltry by comparison. 

To combat such an unfortunate reality, I will mandate that citizens post bad updates about themselves, alongside the good stuff. If something positive happens to you, everyone’s going to be jealous. 

Therefore you have the moral obligation to also disclose some suffering that your friends and family can delight in. 

For example, say you’ve just graduated from college with a great GPA. Hooray! But you have to be considerate and think of the folks who only have high school degrees. They are going to sit behind their keyboard and seethe at the news of this delightful accomplishment. 

To balance things out, the City Council will require you to write your announcement post like this: 

“I am so blessed to finally receive my bachelor’s degree from CSUN with honors. It has been four years of hard work and dedication. However, I’m still struggling enormously with male pattern baldness. All the stress from studying clearly had an impact on my hairline. At 22, I should be in the prime of my life, a young lion ready to enter the world. Instead I look like Al Lewis from the Munsters.” 

This is what it means to practice true social justice that accounts for everyone’s needs. In this way, you get to take pleasure in your graduation, while still soothing the hair-raising envy of those who hear about it on Facebook. Everybody wins! 

More empathy for bullies 

The next law is about a topic near and dear to my heart: bullying. Now, growing up I was a constant target of this behavior. I had the misfortune of being born with a very large head. When you have that sort of a problem, the jokes are frequent. Some particularly biting ones I remember are: 

“Heath, what does your head have in common with Olive Garden’s breadsticks? They are both never-ending.” 

“Heath, you should really take better care of your hygiene and wear nicer clothes. You look like an unemployed Bob’s Big Boy.” 

“Heath, your head is massive. That’s why you’re so clumsy and uncoordinated. I truly think the first time you make love to a woman you’re going to fall off the bed.” 

At the time, you know, bullying is tough. You want to go to school and fit in. Instead you become an outcast. You grow resentful toward your bullies, aghast at their endless taunting. 

But as the years went by, I finally realized my head truly is huge. It is a Roman Colosseum, easily mistaken for one of the nine planets (except for Pluto). 

I grew to have empathy for my tormentors. I mean the jokes just came too easily. That’s why, when I am on the City Council, I will propose a bill that allows for bullying in cases like mine. 

Kids aren’t angels. They’re only human. They need to decompress occasionally. 

You see some guy with a head that size, you’re going to say something. 

That shouldn’t be a federal offense. 

Allow for citizens’ arrest of welfare cheats 

Lastly, like many of you, my heart sang like an Alabama bluebird when I heard the mighty fine song “Rich Men North of Richmond” from our new national poet, Oliver Anthony. With the voice of a corn-fed prophet, he pointed out one of today’s most pressing social ills: poor people using food stamps to buy fudge rounds. 

Nothing gets my blood boiling, after I finish a 100-hour workweek at the Piggly Wiggly, quite like going to the grocery store and seeing somebody with a cart full of government-funded treats. 

Many of us can barely afford long weenies, toilet paper, and peanut butter like mama used to make. Despite this tragic fact, we have to sit in line watching these ne’er-do-wells with bags full of fudge rounds, moon pies, drumsticks, and other tasty delights. 

My mouth waters looking at their enviable situation. I wonder about what special advantage they’ve used to gain such wealth. Are they illegal immigrants? Gay poets? Antifas? 

Anywho: Oliver Anthony only knows one language, the truth. That’s why we must pass legislation allowing law-abiding citizens to make a football tackle of any person who they find abusing the system. 

You catch someone with a grocery cart full of undeserved fudge rounds? Just lower your shoulder, let out a yell, and level that feller like you’re back in high school and the game is on the line. 

If welfare cheats knew, before they stuffed themselves with chocolatey goodness, that they risked getting knocked on the keister by a real American, things would finally change. 

With this sort of a policy, the abuse would stop overnight and we could save enough taxpayer money to balance the federal budget. 

The Rich Men North Of Richmond wouldn’t know what hit em. 

Vote Heath in 2024. He is going to focus on what truly matters. 

Joshua Heath is a Santa Clarita resident. “Democratic Voices” appears Tuesdays and rotates among local Democrats. 

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