DEAREST PRESIDENT XI JINPING — Top of the morning to you, amigo. Howzithanging? Representing the citizens of the riparian and gentrified community of SClarita, California, home to braindead yuppies without number, I take digits to keyboard this fine Friday to extend a warm and sincere invitation to visit us!!
Xi-man. Holding such titles as General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party, President of China, and Chairman of the Central Military, cripes almighty, you’ve gotta be busy. To be honest, I was surprised to discover that you make ends meet just nicely on a yearly salary of $22,000. Your wife must be a whirling dervish with the coupons because, somehow, you and the missus managed to stretch that into a personal fortune of $1.2 billion. That makes you one of the richest men in the world. Heavens! That doesn’t even take into account that anywhere you visit in The Red Dragon, all you have to do is nod, point, and declare, “Gimme! That’s mine!” And so it happens. I represent a strong percentage of SClaritians who support communism and, I gotta say, it made me proud to hear how much you’re worth. Geez, Xi-ster. If EVERYONE is equal under socialism, that has to mean EVERYBODY in China is worth $1.2 billion (and then some) just like you!
Just slap my butt, hand me a one-size-fits-all avocado-colored jumpsuit and point me to the traitorous neighbor I’m signed up to spy upon!
Watched, with interest, your recent visit to SClarita’s sister city — San Francisco. Remember? You were there last week to attend the 30th Annual APEC Economic Summit? For so long, I thought “APEC” stood for “A Pet for Each Child.” A friend corrected, noting it means “Asian Pacific Economic Summit.” Guess you guys were discussing how to make everyone on America’s West Coast a billionaire.
Thank you. No. Really. Thank you! With fond warmness, we, in the Santa Clarita Valley, look forward to our first installment checks! Alas, dear Pingster, do forgive. That’s not why my organization is writing. We just couldn’t help but notice that San Francisco has been going through a slow, writhing, narcotizing death spiral. Crime. Perversion. Corruption. Haven for drug addicts. Zombies willy-nilly pooping on the sidewalks. Mass exodus of the sane and hard-working. Thousands are passed out in opiate-induced comas, which is another thing I could never figure out. You’d think with all those steep inclines in San Francisco, all the hobos would just naturally roll downhill into the bay.
A snap of the fingers and all these problems disappear on your arrival. Streets are scrubbed clean. Tent cities are magically swallowed. The police actually go to work for a day, cat-herding vagrants and storing them where they belong. In Oakland.
Anywho. Thought you might like to know. Some local and dangerous wags called “Republicans,” “Independents,” or “Undecideds” are already on our Watch List. They refer to you and our own People’s Patriots like Gavin Newsom, President Joe Biden and the tireless public servants of most of California’s Democrat-run political districts as, no offense, “pond scum sucking commie bastards.” They ask why your wonderful country where everyone’s a billionaire is buying up American farmland, building chemical factories, contributing to election campaigns, indoctrinating our young and organizing violent campus riots.
Our enemies ask why Democrats grin out of context. How come we’re so overbearing? Self-righteous? Immune to facts? They ask why we can’t come up with a simple answer when challenged, just an injured cow snort. Why are we Democrats the way we are? Because America is just a horrible place to live. You can come and go as you please. What’s up with that? Get in your world-ending polluting car and cross county and state lines without so much as filling out 24 pounds of forms and a Mother-May-I. We have markets that sell Dr. Pepper in a variety of sizes and produce departments that offer hundreds of choices beyond cabbage. Can you believe it? Worse, Xi? There are people who don’t bring their own bags and some will even visit the 12 Items Only checkouts with 14 or 15 items!! I have neighbors who feel they have a right to defend themselves or express thoughts different than yours and mine! The puny running dog fools. They think they have a right to raise their own children, to decide when is the proper age for a sex change operation and pole dancing. These traitors. They cannot see the wisdom of turning their lives to the infallible, omniscient People’s Central Government and to us, The Central Government’s Omniscient Helpers, Santa Clarita Valley chapter. Round ’em up, tie them to a gurney, slap the soles of their bare feet as many times as necessary and send them to concentration camps.
Concentration camps. It’s such a freeing reality, to have a sanctuary, with distinct boundaries, where other, wrong-thinking people can visit to break rocks, eat gruel, polish statues of fearless leaders like you and Hillary and just — ponder the age-old question: — “What can I do to make others obey me?”
So, Dear Leader Xi, come visit us in our useless Santa Clarita. Brainwash our kids. Dig potholes in our roads. Tell us where to live and shame us into bringing illegal aliens into our homes because most of us have too much space for our own good. Guide us on how to avert our eyes when we see vulgar corruption in our leaders. Rewire our brains and remove the annoying cells that subvert obedience with unquestioned obedience. Teach us the goosestep.
T. Nutzoid McGillycutty
President, SCV Democratic Club
John Boston is the most prolific humorist/satirist in Earth’s history. Look for his upcoming political humor book, “The Unauthorized Autobiography of Joe Biden.” It’ll be available within the coming days at johnbostonbooks.com.