DEAR MR. SANTA CLARITA VALLEY — I place digits to laptop to protest the current sorry state of local Santa Clarita Valley water, how it’s being improperly managed and often being piped directly to the wrong people. We need responsible leadership in our local water boards and a blue-ribbon task force should be immediately formed to further study the matter. Other than water is somehow mysteriously getting more expensive, there is no excuse for why our rates should be so high. Perhaps there’s a leaky pipe somewhere. I had one once. It warped a bathroom door and caused lots of problems in that my wife’s sisters frequently came over to take showers and you could see stuff.
— Un-Watered in Canyon Country.
DEAR MR. SANTA CLARITA VALLEY — In response to Mr. Un-Watered’s completely idiotic take, I take umbrage to his one-size-fits-all approach to solving the death knell state of SCV water. My husband has sisters. They don’t take showers at our home or their place of employ (Burger King). Granted. They smell. Like burgers. We don’t need more useless bureaucrats spending years and billions of dollars to study water shortages and price hikes. Duh. FREEZE. THE. WATER. Take out the ice cubes in convenient and easy-to-handle little plastic trays when you need them and defrost, Un-Watered (if that is your REAL name). You mutt.
— Betty Icy-Wicey, The Cold Road
DEAR MR. SANTA CLARITA VALLEY — In response to the April 18 letters to the editor in The Signal today, I don’t know what all the hub-bub is about. Where I come from, all my friends can get all the water they need, both fresh and salty. No monthly bills. No raised voices. We’re all just happy under the sea, making bubbles.
— Aquaman, California Aqueduct
DEAR MR. SANTA CLARITA VALLEY — This is going to sound weird, but I was peeking through the blinds and noticed several hundred local, county, state and federal workers in hard hats outside my window, right next to our 13-foot par-7 Hole No. 6 for Old People. I went out to ask what the big to-do was about and they said, in unison, they were hydro experts, trying to figure out why the sprinkler water seems to disappear after it hits a hot sidewalk. “Darndest thing,” one agency vice president said. “One minute, there it is, on the concrete. Next? It’s just — gone.” The grandkids were over so I didn’t want to get into the uncharted waters of evaporation so I went back inside and watched, “The Little Mermaid” with them.
— Friendly Fred of Friendly Valley
P.S. When I was a kid growing up? We didn’t even HAVE water. We and the horses had to drink sun tea.
DEAR MR. SANTA CLARITA VALLEY — RE: today’s dialogue about local water shortages, let me put some new colors in your Crayola box. WE’RE drinking it! We’re using water to wash our cars, steam rice and beans and even use it to spit. AND IT’S ONLY GOING TO GET WORSE SO DON’T SAY WE NEVER WARNED YOU!
— Bob Waterbucket, President, SCV Alliance of Illegal Aliens With Criminal Records
DEAR MR. SANTA CLARITA VALLEY — O ye wretched and woeful ignoramus platypusi. Clearly, what is needed here to solve the ongoing mismanagement of Santa Clarita water is Common Sense. There. I said it. I’m not taking it back. And management. Good Management. Not big fat knucklehead management. How I could name names. Separate subject? Have you guys at the paper heard rumors about alligators coming up out of local toilets? Read somewhere that some Saugus elderly lady was bitten on the unmentionables and dragged screaming backward into a leach line, which emptied into a culvert next to a local elementary and now kids are missing. That’ll set high school potty training back a century …
— Cap’n Hook in Honby
DEAR MR. SANTA CLARITA VALLEY — Hey. This may be off-topic, but I’ve got this really neat little booklet I wrote, “101 Ways To Cook Yummy Delicious Water!” We also offer exercise classes, but, alas, everyone seems too lethargic to take one.
— Drippy LaVeen, Valencia Diabetes Center
DEAR MR. SANTA CLARITA VALLEY — If I may, about today’s (April 18) thread about high-costs AND an unreported report about local officials filling up buckets and those 1,256-ounce 7-Eleven freezee to-go cups with the public’s water, I just want to say that I am upset. No. Check that. Darn mad. What are you people in Santa Clarita whining about? I’m in a nursing home in Nashville, Tennessee, and we get these little eyedrop cups of water every three days and I found a barnacle in one and the guy in the next bed over found an eyeball. World War II vet. He drank it. Buncha babies. Who do I punch?
— Dave, Who Has a Daughter in Stevenson Ranch Who Won’t Return Phone Calls
DEAR MR. SANTA CLARITA VALLEY — All I have to say is: “…water, water, everywhere, And all the boards did shrink. Water, water, everywhere — your wife is fat and pink.”
— Samuel Taylor Coleridge, Castaic Lake (at the bottom)
With more than 11,000 columns and 100-plus awards, Santa Clarita’s John Boston is the most prolific humorist/satirist in world history. Visit his bookstore online at johnlovesamerica.com/bookstore.
