Recently, a loyal Signal subscriber pondered what people were making over at College of the Canyons. Just how much does Chancellor Dr. Dianne Gee Van Damme Van Heflin Van Halen Van Morrison Van Cliburn Van Hook earn a year?
We checked with the ultimate source, Wikicougaria.com. (Cripes. Don’t be dumb and look that up.) All we could find was “… $17 an hour, plus a little overtime, which is donated to widows and orphans.” Well. It’s got a “Wiki” in front of it so you know it’s gotta be accurate.
The Mighty Signal unleashed its crackerjack investigative reporting team to investigate, not only Ms. DVH’s compensation, but also her enigmatic background and relationship to the Russians as well.
According to Wikicougaria, Di was born in 1982 in Moscow and later starred for several seasons on the Russian TV hit series, “Charliemoninov’s Anglers,” a cheap knock-off of “Charlie’s Angels,” only with vivacious and scantily clad models who fish and catch bad guys. Di briefly took the stage name of Sheryl Ladt. She was the blonde one. While on set, the plucky teen attended COC, getting her associate’s degree in Junior College Administration, a 4-unit discipline. After changing her name and a brief marriage to COC basketball coaching legend, Lee Van Smelser, controversy followed. Critics accused DVH of using her marriage to Van Smelser, The Silver Cougar, to advance her cheerleading career, which lasted six years at COC. The next logical step was to become Chancellor.
They divorced. Van Smelser claimed mental cruelty, noting Van Hook once yelled at him at Chuck E. Van Cheese and sarcastically asked: “Have you ever, in your wildest imaginings, Lee, considered that the other teams might be running something against you called a — ‘Zone!?!?!’” only in perhaps Russian. Or maybe Dutch.
Each got half the JC campus in the settlement and joint custody of their golden retriever, Van Gillespie. Then, in 2018-19, Di got a raise. What follows is her highly lucrative compensation and profit-sharing package. Here now, a Signal exclusive:
GROSS YEARLY SALARY — $42.6 million.
OIL DEPLETION ALLOWANCE — $37.42.
SALT WATER SWIMMING POOL IN THE CHANCELLOR’S OFFICE — (includes maintenance, atrium, salt water life guards, imported coral reef from Black Sea & tropical fishies) — $742,941.
TOWEL BOY ALLOWANCE — $129,774.
MASSAGE OILS — $3.
GUM — $3,400.
SCUBA DIVERS (to remove gum from pool filter) — $4,500.
SEDAN CHAIR BOYS (to carry DiVan to & fro around campus) — $0. (Interns, from COC’s prestigious P.E. Department.)
INTERN OIL — $4,300.
SEDAN CHAIR MAINTENANCE, STEAM CLEANING & DEPRECIATION — $533,399.
MUCH NEEDED DECOMPRESSION/VACATION CHATTEAU IN SWITZERLAND — $14,391,112.
UBER TO SWITZERLAND — $14,391,113.
EXPLORATORY LEGAL FEES — (to ascertain just how big you can make the letters “DR. DIANNE GEE VAN HOOK” and morally fit them atop a 90-story school building in earthquake country) $42,225.
EXPLORATORY LEGAL FEES — (to discover precedent for naming other, non-college buildings, i.e., Walmart, Taco Bell, Mabel’s Roadhouse, in SCV after chancellor) — $29,006.
EXPLORATORY LEGAL FEES — (to research drafting a state law requiring all future COC chancellors to be named, “Dianne Van Hook,” only with consecutive Roman numerals) — 50 bucks.
EXPLORATORY LEGAL FEES — (to ascertain if there’s a statute of limitation on suing a certain annoying rural satirist for “mis-typing” name as “Dr. G-String Van Hook) Another 50 bucks.
PEDICURE — (left foot only, once a year) $12.
PHOTOSHOP — (for airbrushing all campus portraits of “Gunga” Dean & COC Generalissimo Dr. Eric Van Harnish so he doesn’t look so much like NFL quarterback legend, Peyton Van Manning) — $99.
SPEECH THERAPIST — (for lessons and/or Adverse Electric Shock Therapy for Van Harnish so he won’t start EVERY sentence with the word, “Gosh…”) $399.
HIGH-SPEED ONE-WOMAN RAIL FROM VALENCIA TO CANYON COUNTRY CAMPUSES FOR SURPRISE INSPECTIONS OF DIANNE VAN HOOK SIGNS — $2.6 billion. (Note to trustees: It’s half as expensive coming FROM Canyon Country as it’s downhill so we’re actually SAVING money!)
CUTE LITTLE SGT. PEPPER/TRAIN ENGINEER OUTFIT & HAT FOR ERIC TO WEAR WHILE DRIVING HIGH-SPEED TRAIN TO CC-COC CAMPUS — $873.95 (Less, if we shop at A Chorus Line & Costume Rental, 253-0030. Ask for your Tony Van Newhall 75 percent special discount!)
PERSONABLE LITTLE CHIMPANZEE TO BE ERIC’S COMPANION & BFF IN ENGINE COMPARTMENT — $75,000 (Note to trustees: We’ll actually save money on the monkey; when it gets older and surly, like Zimmer, we’ll sell it, and, maybe Zimmer, to the COC Medical Wing for perfume and deodorant lab experiments.)
MATCHING CUTE LITTLE SGT. PEPPER/TRAIN ENGINEER OUTFIT & HAT FOR CHIMPANZEE TO WEAR WHILE KEEPING ERIC VAN HARNISH COMPANY ON HIGH-SPEED TRAIN TO CC-COC CAMPUS — $73.95. (Note to trustees: Why $800 less? Because Eric’s a big monkey…)
ALIMONY, SMELSER — $747,000, quarterly.
John Boston is the most prolific satirist in Earth, and, Santa Clarita history. He has no immediate plans to take a course at COC nor make eye contact with his pal, Dianne Jean-Claude Van Damme Van Hook. Special thanks to John Green for supplying all the numbers in the above investigative piece.