Dearest Congresswoman Katie Hill,
Taking digits to keyboard this fine Santa Clarita morn to congratulate you and urge that you keep up your righteous work in Washington. Also, I apologize.
I used to think Democrats were — well. Amusingly theatrical. Harmless. Unable to reason their way out of a Glad Bag. Helium-filled. I mis-thought. Sorry. I’m overwhelmed at the creativity, energy, vision and direction you and your colleagues share in fundamentally changing America. Eagerly watching how you vote!
Your frosh colleague, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-Venezuela), published detailed plans for a Green New Deal. Many of you Democrats, including three presidential candidates, nearly elbowed each other to passionately support it. It’s jolly well about time! I’m F.P.U. (Fed Plain Up) with this bothersome electricity!
Curling irons. Lip gloss manufacturing machines. Hair dryers. Those annoying factories where they bottle perfumes, roll sanitary napkins, forge high heels or stitch those too-too-fabulous evening gowns. Refrigeration. Lights. Smart phone chargers. Who needs this crap? I’m sick of people pointing out you Democrats ache in the loins to take us back to the Dark Ages. That’s a fib. There were cows in the Dark Ages. And white males. Both farted. No farting allowed in the Green New Deal!!
It’s a planet-ender!!!
What’s the deal with those whiny people in the East and Midwest carping about subzero weather? Freezing to death is a small price to pay for abolishing fossil fuels. The Russians survived, didn’t they? Well. Some of them. If Santa Clarita didn’t have to depend on Devil Oil, we could knit our clothes from wool (or, just buy it from overseas!) hoping, of course, the sheep wouldn’t pass wind, deplete the ozone layer and destroy the planet and the SCV along with it, according to your party’s calculations, by lunch 2029.
Your party is advocating the eradication of airplane travel in 10 years. Planes make coughie air-poopy, you know. Tiny question, KH. If you have your way, will we still have an Air Force in 2029? I know! We could sign a TREATY with Russia, China or the Cayman Islands NOT to attack us! Peace will guide the planet! It’s the Dawning of the Age of Aquarius! Gosh. I hope you, Al Gore, Joy Behar and Leonardo di Caprio get special congressional dispensation and get to fly. As the Virginia blackface and rape scandal points out, different strokes for different Democrat Party folks. Right? Wink-wink. Nudge? Right? Right, Katie? When Airplanes are Outlawed, Only Kamala Harris Will Have Airplanes!
There’s so much work to be done, so many things — diet, travel, words, thoughts — that need outlawing, regulation, control.
Imagine, Katie, as your Democratic Party dreams. In just a decade, no cars. No planes. No farting horses. How fab utopian. Perhaps we mouth-breathing commoners can commute via pogo sticks. Thanks for the strong legs I’ll soon have!
Well. Or not.
Your friend AOC and leaders of your party proposed: “…aid for even those unwilling to work.” Really? Truly? A thousand pounds has been lifted from my chest!! Thanks to your party’s love affair with master planning, I see an America for my child where EVERYBODY is unwilling to work! And the one or two people left making $28,000 a year can pay for it!
Love your position of rebuilding EVERY building in America, from mansions to outhouses. I know when the government is in charge of designing something, it won’t be ridiculously expensive or a dog-butt ugly eyesore. Like the FBI building in Westwood.
Or, our own Valencia county offices.
Thank you again, Katie Hill (D-SCV), for your party’s dream to whisk everyone around via high-speed rail. I guess that leaves out weekend trips to Home Depot for a couple of 2-by-4’s, delivering newspapers or that trip to Hawaii. What a buzz kill though. Our own California Gov. Gavin Newsom killed ours. Know why? It just needed more of those tracky things, and, well, more money.
Let’s print some, then, what-say, go have lunch?
(Girlfriend: I know a place that still has STRAWS!!!!)
Thanks, also, for your party’s heroic stance on abortion-after-birth in New York and Virginia (Home of the Black Face, which, if memory serves, is a Democratic invention!). Yay for the pink searchlights on the New York capitol and the cheers for infanticide. Pregnancy. It’s so — slavery-ish! The teachers’ unions will be relieved. Smaller classrooms!
And what’s with those lousy newborns? That first breath. The divine light in those little, endless, trusting eyes? The miracle, the promise of Life? A chance of becoming who you’re supposed to be? That stupid expectation your mom and dad will love you, take care of you, protect you?
There-there, we voters can tell that next newborn. Not to worry. And don’t turn your head. We voters — liberal AND conservative — are going to make you comfortable and then that nice man or woman behind you will end your life. Not to worry. We don’t call it “killing.” It’s just a “procedure.” Afterward, though you are not deemed human, the strain and strife, the promises and lessons of this world will dissolve away, forever. Then Mommy and Daddy can go do their Pilates..
Great job you and your party’s doing, Santa Clarita’s Katie Hill, Democrat! We’ll be watching your votes with interest…
Mr. Santa Clarita Valley, aka, John Boston, has penned more than 11,000 essays, columns, blogs, editorials and think pieces, making him the most prolific satirist and humorist in world history.