John Boston | Buying 87,000 IRS Alligators for the Swamp

John Boston

Hard to believe, but despite all the Happy Face McIRS posters, the government may not necessarily be your BFF palsy-pal, he typed as his voice crept up eight octaves toward the end of the sentence. 

The IRS was originally created in 1862 by Abraham Lincoln to raise money to pay the Civil War debt. It was disbanded a decade later, then reformed in 1913 with the passage of the 16th Amendment, which essentially reads: “We, Your Holy Royal Majesty Feds, shall force you to Assume The Position and smile with uncertain violation. Then, we take your money. Like, all of it. After that, you may politely request: ‘Whooo-Hooo! Thank you sir that was profoundly ribald!! Please? May I have another?’” 

Bonus? This week? Add to the unrequested jungle romance, we peasants get to be shot. 

In a blink, the early IRS grew by tenfold. By 1918, they pelted the wealthy with a top tax bracket of 77% and a promise to return for the other 23%. Fast forward to 1942 and another World War — the IRS mutated again. In 1939, the number of Americans paying taxes was about 4 million. Six years later? About 42 million were contributing to the national government’s growing phantasmagoria. 

Woodrow Wilson used the IRS to arrest people who disagreed with his World War I policies. Pretty much, every president has used it as a political weapon. Franklin Roosevelt used audits to squelch dissent from everyone from William Randolph Hearst to Catholic radio talk show host Father Charles Coughlin. Although, I can’t imagine how many stale communion wafers the IRS pried out of the good padre. 

In 1951, Republicans uncovered a massive fraud and strongarm operation. Only 66 agents were canned. The agency limped off to the tall shrubbery to lick its wounds. Of course, J. Edgar Hoover was the FBI director who would have KILLED at the chance to break into Melania Trump’s closet and wiggle into some of Melania’s dresses and fab high heels. Hoover used the FBI and IRS to dig up charges on just about everybody from Martin Luther King to Jesus. Nixon, a Republican, looked into using the IRS to ruin his political enemies. The too-cute-Who-Me? Obama and his IRS witch Lois Lerner weaponized the tax collector. 

I remember being a kid in the 1950s. The IRS ordained random inspections of people’s homes. I remember one leviathan of a lady wandering through our house, opening drawers, commenting that our furniture was a little too nice and that we owned a piano. Damn our eyes and the unregistered black keys. 

A few years back, due to an obvious IRS goof, my second mom had three years of Social Security withheld. It was a major hardship. The IRS AGREED they made a mistake. But would they fix it? No. She had to borrow money from family. Finally, a connected son-in-law in Montana had to contact his congressman, who contacted a pal congressman in California, who contacted the IRS and raised hell. 

Not everyone has someone in high places to stand up for them. 

The braindead Left will assure that, if you’ve done nothing wrong, then you have no reason to fear the IRS. I was audited 20 years ago. With fines, fees, along with various kazoo sound effects, they actually wanted MORE than what I made that year. I kept bulletproof records and receipts. Still. I was forced to spend about 100 hours, writing a separate report FOR EVERY SINGLE RECEIPT. It filled two banker’s boxes. Had a great tax accountant, a former IRS exec. She noted the feds actually OWED ME an additional $500 refund. She also warned that I’d have to be that special kind of stupid to try and collect it. She suggested we invent some figure — about $150 — to pay them to save face. 

“You don’t want to get stuffed in their Y.S.O.F.F.,” my tax gal explained. 

Roughly translated, “Y.S.O.F.F” means you are inserted into their “You’re So Obscenely Fooied File” but she didn’t say, “Fooied…” 

Fast forward a few years to this week. The Democrats just passed their latest Green Idiocy Act with a nearly $1 trillion price tag. It’s Loot & Grab. Again. The logic is Congress will make the planet Just The Right Temperature by hiring an additional 87,000 IRS agents. I know. Picasso Math. Bonus? And not making this up? On the employment forms, applicants were asked if they wouldn’t mind using deadly force. There’s a recruitment commercial: “If Blood Squirting from Turnips Makes you Dizzy. If a parent begging for their life is music to your ears — then Come Work For the IRS!” 

Some wags complain that in recent months alone, the IRS has added — added — 5 million more rounds of ammo to their already bloated arsenal of an existing 4,500 guns and 5,062,006 bullets and shells. The IRS has 10 million rounds of ammunition. Poor IRS. There’s only 330 million legal citizens in the U.S. That leaves the agency just one bullet for every 33 Americans. 

Heavens. What if one of the agents — misses? 

With the Left giddy at the thought of shredding the Second Amendment and disarming private citizens, there have been more than a few conspiratorial questions raised. Could the Feds and IRS be buying up ammo in such insane quantities so the public — can’t? 

Are the Democrats, once again, trying to mold the American voice by hiring 87,000 new agents because they must join the National Treasury Employees’ Union. The NTEU donates an eye-twitching 98% of their political donations to — Democrats. From small towns to big cities, more and more, we’re drowning in the radical liberal swamp.  

And dumbbells we, we just keep cutting checks to the Democrats so they can buy more man-eating alligators to add to the marsh. 

Santa Clarita’s John Boston’s is the most prolific humorist/satirist in world history. Check out his new book, “The 25 World’s Most Terribly Inappropriate Dog Breeds.” It’s available in trade paperback, ebook and full-color hardcover. Visit

Related To This Story

Latest NEWS