Dear Mark Walter, Part-Owner & Chairman of The Los Angeles Dodgers:
Trust all is well and ducky with you and all the Boys, Girls, Whomevers, Curiously Undecideds and Species To Be Named At A Later Date in Blue this fine Friday afternoon.
Couldn’t help but notice recently that your Chavez Ravine batspronouns dedicated an entire evening to the fine work done by the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. Mark. I must admit. At first, I was stunned by your decision. Granted. The SPI’s earned a reputation of public vulgarity and depravity that would put a crack-whore pole-dancing-reader-of-porn-to-nursery-school-children teachers’ union rep to shame.
But, what truly shocked me, Mark? You honored a group whose World Corporate HQ is a rat hole in Baghdad by the Bay. World distribution center for fentanyl. Famous now not for the Golden Gate Bridge but for all its citizens gaily pooping about the sidewalks. I could throw in a few hundred more perversions (I’ve family up there). But ultimate outrage?
SAN FRANCISCO IS HOME TO THE SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS!!!
Shame. On. You. Mark. Walter.
The. Executive. With. Two. First. Names.
It must be tough for you to think of people and institutions to honor, chosen for their ability to dog paddle through the Cosmic Pond Scum Of Deviance. (Good Band Name.) I mean, Charles Manson Dodger Night’s out. The guy’s dead. The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence are famous for their near-naked lewd writhing and depiction of sexual acts — in front of children. I know. I know. I know what you’re going to say. Dodger brass loves kids. You ate two for breakfast.
Foof. If you want to ape in front of a camera, couldn’t think of a more offensive group with whom to align your once-stellar organization. Level with me, Mark. Was the Ku Klux Klan booked that evening? Nazis doing a luau? Hillary Clinton couldn’t make it — goat costume’s at the cleaners? With this new anti-Christ direction your ballclub is taking, I thought I might be able to help you with some future booking selections.
Have you thought of L.A. Dodger Cartel Night? First 5,000 drug ring aficionados who bring in a severed head get in free. Or, salute your neighboring congressman from Braindead Glendale, Adam Schiff (D). Everyone wearing an ass hat gets a free hot dog. Positioned in a place that knows no name. How’s about L.A. County District Attorney George Gascón Dodger Night? Anyone stabbing an innocent somebody to death inside Dodger Stadium doesn’t have to go to jail. For anything. Ever.
I don’t know how you’d get this on a poster, Mark. But what about Anemic Mentally Unbalanced Cowards In Multi-Colored Bad Haircuts Who Scream Obscenities, Throw Sucker Punches & Feces, Deface Public Property, Hold Up Traffic & Who Have Never Been To A Blankety-Blank Ballgame In Their Damn Worthless Lives Liberal Art Major Flunkies Dodger Night?
Free Heroin for The Kiddies Dodger Doubleheader? White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-“Robes”-Pierre Dodger Night? (All you have to do to get in for free is lie. How hard is that?) Personally, I like Illegal Alien Night. That’s where season ticket holders have to sit home and listen to the game on scratchy AM radio. The illegal aliens get free admission, food, overpriced trinkets and those cheap plastic blue seat cushions you guys pass off as bling. All is paid for by loyal Dodger fans, but, the illegal aliens get to camp out on the field for the rest of their lives. In county-funded mini-condos. Adios, home games. It’s a small price to pay, Mark, isn’t it?
Hey. I got another that’ll offend at least most of your Latino/Catholic fan base. Burn a Crucifix Dodger Night! Or, how about this one? In honor of the Democrat Party pro-crime initiative, you could host Steal $899 Worth of Dodger Merch Night!
By coincidence, it’s our own local Santa Clarita Dodger Night tomorrow. We’ve people who would grinningly attend a Spanish Inquisition burned-alive execution if it came with a tailgate party. I’ve neighbors (Democrats) who’d drink Bud Light, burp, then wipe their mouths afterward on someone else’s sleeve, so don’t worry about attendance.
This thing you and the Dodgers have, Mark? For hate groups? It’s just refreshingly kinky! I’ve another great idea. It’s personal. Closer to home for you and Dodger management. Why don’t you bring back the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence?
They could writhe through the bleachers, performing lewd sexual innuendos. But, this time, their masochistic victims are in compromising positions and wearing spitting image Halloween masks of the children, wives and families OF YOUR DODGER PERSONNEL!? How fun! Sure. There’d be a few alphabet-phobic Christian racist staffers who take serious offense at the Dodgers just rubbing in their face all they hold sacred and holy. If anyone on Dodger staff makes a fuss or stands up for God, themselves and family, well. That’s why Corporate America today has that wonderful slur of “racist” to throw about. That’s why Dodger Blue and other woke institutions have 1984-esque Human Resources departments! You can drag hater employees into Social Re-education Seminars without end.
I know you don’t deserve ALL the credit, Mark, for your inspired idea of honoring the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. You probably hired that one, or several, institution-killing, woke, angry, social justice warrior, that yangy, useless middle management chair-filling Booger-Eating Moron (future Dodger Night theme?) type with yard-wide mouth who grinningly came up with: “How Can Little Ol’ Me Kill Your Beloved Company?”
Good management skills, Mark.
If I were a practitioner of the sect of May You Get What You Richly Deserve, I’d light a candle. I’d make the Sign of the Cross, Star of David and bow toward Mecca. I’d pray fervently — that every single Dodger fan goes Bud Light/Target on you and your organization.
With more than 100 major writing awards, including being named both Best Serious and Best Humorous newspaper columnist in America, several times, John Boston has attended, and/or watched, his last Dodger game.
